Ok so here's the skinny. I haven't posted one of these bitches in a while. There's a lot of reasons why, but here's the two big reasons why...
1. I was using this blog to try to help get rid of my depression. I was in a dark place and had nobody to talk to and nothing to do but stew in my own negative thoughts and used this blog as an attempt to fight it. I'm in a much better place now, I have a job I love and lots of good friends (not out to many of them but lol whatever) and I'm not as classically depressed as I was before (I still have bad days and shit tho) so I have little need to blog.
2. Making this blog public may have been a mistake. I used to have no cares as to what I said or how I said it, I used to just say "fuck it" and post whatever I needed to vent in whatever way I felt like at the time. After I made this blog public and got added to MOHO I received a lot of support and stuff for my blog which was great, but at the same time I'd like to think being public doesn't affect what I say, but even I know I'm just lying to myself. I can't help it, but when I know others and going to see my work I do things differently. I always have. Alone I dress like a fuckin' savage, idgaf what I look like, but when I go anywhere where people will see me I have to shower and dress presentable and do my hair and shit. It drives my family nuts. "Just throw on your slippers lets go!" followed by "No, let me get dressed it'll just take a minute or two" is commonplace in my family. Anyway that same concept happened with my blog and it made writing less relieving.
So here's why I'm writing now.... I'm in a better place, and just because I don't have much depression to vent anymore doesn't mean I shouldn't write. I feel like just getting my feelings out can help others that are in places I used to be. Plus I think writing is hella fun. So I'm going to try to write more and get more shit posted.
Another idea I've been toying with is slightly becoming more and more public, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not, or if people know or not. I'm the same person either way, Why do I need to hide it? I've seen a lot of stuff about people who are openly gay at BYU or openly gay Mormons and I envy their courage. That shit takes massive balls man. Idk I guess I'm kinda playing with this idea because I want to be fully out and not have to give a shit anymore, but unfortunately I kinda give a shit. Well I'm just playing with this idea so we'll see whether it happens or not.
Here's the "gay theme" if you want to call it that this post.
I recently texted another gay kid at BYU. we talked and really got along and could totally relate to each other, and I suggested meeting up and talking in person (I have no intentions of hooking up, I just want a friend I can talk to about gay shit who actually understands it). He seemed totally down with the idea at first, but then backed out last second with some bullshit message about "This isn't what I want, I can't do this or live this way.. blah blah blah." Like you wtf man, I just wanted to talk. Fucking chill. Why do people think that all gay dudes wanna do is get their noodle wet? Fawk that man. But even more important than that, it pains me to see this guy scared of himself. I guess one of my issues with the church is that it creates an environment where if you are different you are taught to be scared of yourself and your emotions and not to face them, which leads to so many fucked up issues down the road. Luckily I was able to somehow force myself to get over what I had been taught and to face my gay demons (That sounds hardcore tho) and now I'm in a much better place. I'm not saying I'm special or super strong willed or anything, but some people are taught harder and can't overcome the deep seated hatred of themselves that the church instills and they can't face their gay demons, and it totally fucks them up. The guy I was talking to was super nice, but he seemed really weird at the same time, Like he was doing a drug deal or some terrorist shit just by talking to me. I'm not the bad guy in this situation I just want to help people, and in turn help myself with what I'm facing in life, but I can't do that because people get so caught up on what the church wants us to be they can't even think about what they really are. I dunno man... It makes me sad.
So that seems really negative towards the church, and it's not really intended to be. I love the gospel, I think the church does a lot of great things, but it is a terrible environment for young gay people to grow up in. This is my opinion, but I feel like I was taught growing up to hate myself and to shun my gay side and hide the fuck outta it like hiding jews during the holocaust. That's a really racy comparison, but it fits. Sorry I'm being a bit vulgar, but I feel really strongly about this. A lot of my issues stem from the fact that I still kinda hate the gay inside me, and feel like it's awful and makes me an unworthy human being. I don't blame the church for it, but the church environment, The culture and the teachers I had and that sorta shit.
So anyway I just want people to know there is nothing wrong with facing your gay demons, It has helped me so much, it's helped me feel better about myself and become a better person. It's hard to do, I know, but I promise if you man up and do it, you won't regret it. I pains me to see people scared of themselves. Don't be. You are who you are and that won't change, so fucking own it. You are awesome, and have nothing to hide.
Ok so I have a cold and am tired so this is a bit ramble-y and I apologize, so here's funny pun to send ya'll off.
Peace.
