It's a New Year

Songs:

Ok now onto the main stuff. It's 2016. Woo. I guess. I've never been into the whole "New year new me" type shit. If you really wanna change yourself, do it ASAP. Do it the minute you think about it. Don't wait for a "new year" to change your life. It's like every procrastinators wet dream. If something is really worth doing or changing, you won't put it off to the new year. I don't do resolutions. I do set goals for myself. Very loose though, just stuff that can't be done asap, but that I want to work on. I set the goals yearly, but mine for 2016 started back in November or so when I cam up with the idea. I want to become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality in public. I'm still hiding shit like I'm in the closet, but I'm not. I've stated that I don't give a shit if people know I'm gay anymore, but I don't act that way. So I want to start acting that way. Well, that's bad wording. I don't want to act like I don't give a shit, but I want to be more comfortable with it, and not hide it like I'm hiding a dead body or something. It's just something I've been trying to work on and will continue to focus on in 2016.

This whole thing goes along with the theme of being comfortable about being gay.

So after thanksgiving I've been a little on edge when it comes to family. I love them dearly, we all get along well and we all have a really good time, so I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was bothering me, until a night or two ago. Although I'm "out" to my family, they still treat it with much awkwardness. Whenever the subject of homosexuality comes up at all, my parents give me weird looks and I can tell they tiptoe around the subject. They don't treat me or the subject like they are understanding or caring. They treat it like it's best not to bring it up or discuss it, and I'm not sure if they treat it like that due to their own discomfort with it, or with the thought that I am gay, or if they think that I'm a pussy when it comes to my gayness and will be offended. I don't know why they do it, but it really fucking annoys me. When came out to them (and when I came out to me brother) I told them that they can talk to me about any part of it, or ask me any questions about it, and no matter how offensive or awkward they might think it would be, I wouldn't get upset of offended and would answer just about anything. Both times my parents and my brother had no questions and kinda shut down talking about it as fast as they could. So this leads me to believe they avoid the topic because of their own insecurities with it, and I don't know how to go about addressing them. but it annoys me because it's like they're secretly ashamed of me or ashamed for me, and feel the need to hide it even though I have no desire to hide it. I don't know how to go about resolving this problem, but it's really kinda pissed me off all holiday. I love my parents dearly but I really wish I could just talk to them about this shit casually, and not have to sit them down and have a serious conversation about it with them.

They don't ask about my dating life or anything that could even come close to talking about me being gay, they just avoid it all. My dad still talks about girls that would be perfect for me though (as if one could be) and shit like that. It's no big deal, but it irks me. The other night some hot af dude came on tv and someone made a comment questioning his attractiveness and I almost jumped in with a comment but backed off last second because I didn't know how it would be received. Another time my mom was writing a list on blank paper and her column wasn't perfectly vertical, and my brother made a comment like "can you please write straight?" and my mom replied "It is straight." and I was about to say "Really mom, that's about as straight as I am." But once again backed off because I don't feel like my parents want to talk about it. I don't know man, maybe I'm making a big deal outta this, maybe not, But it's been bothering me either way. I need to evaluate the situation, and maybe address it tomorrow? We'll see what happens.

Oh and fuck my hometown. I told that one girl i was gay, but my dude friend I didn't. It never came up or even came close to coming up in conversation so I left it alone. Other than that I feel terrified of my homosexuality here. Nobody is gay here and it's still heavily looked down upon, so even though it's not a big deal it's been kinda emotionally draining with it in the back of my head the whole time I've been here. I'm pretty ready to go back to Provo so I can be myself again.

Oh but Christmas rocked, it's been fun, I guess what I'm saying is even though everything's been fun and great, it hasn't been REAL. it's been faked, forced, and the conversation directed. My second Sunday I didn't want to go to church and my dad guilted me into it, and when I brought up not taking the sacrament (i'm still worthy, but I don't associate with the church much and don't feel the need to take it) He told me to just take the sacrament and that if I'm worthy I shouldn't even consider not taking it. It's almost like my parents are in denial and acting like everything is "normal."

All in all tho, good times at home. A little confusing, but I'm glad I came home. Hope ya'll had great holidays as well. As always, sorry things get a bit rambley, but I do what I want. Hope you all have a great 2016, and great 2017  and so on. I just hope ya'll do what makes you happy and do what you need to do without making excuses.  Seize the day motherfuckers.

Peace.

Happy Holidays N Stuff

Idk no real point to this post, just haven't posted anything in a while and have some stuff to get out. It's Christmas time and I celebrate Christmas so here's a Christmas song. I'll post a non-holiday song as well.

So I can't remember what my last post was about. I do remember posting about how I was going to tell my brother in the coming weeks, well I did and it was really anti-climactic. I mean, We were just talking about life, he'd been pretty stressed and not feeling like himself so we were talking about all that kinda stuff, and we got down to it and it turns out he's known for a while. Someone I trusted had told him. It doesn't really bother me though, I just wish he would have told me he knows sooner so I didn't have to stress out about it for months and wonder how he was going to react. Turns out he was avoiding me too because he didn't necessarily want to have that talk, not because he has issues with it, but just because it's an awkward as fuck discussion, especially with your brother you've known for 21 years... It's just weird. We both could have been spared a lot of discomfort had I known he knew, but it's whatever. It's out, he knows, we're cool. Now I can honestly say that everyone important knows.

Anywho I'm back home for Christmas, and it's weird. I ]'m stoked to get out of Utah, but at the same time being 'home' doesn't feel like home. I've lived independently for so long, and lived in Utah for three years so being with my parents is nice, but it doesn't feel like home. The biggest issue here is that my hometown is really small. Everyone knows everyone and that sorta shit. Nobody here but my parents know I'm gay. Honestly the only 2 openly gay kids in my high school both had to transfer because they were bullied so badly. This place is a fucking mess of homophobia and bigotry. I don't mind telling people I'm gay anymore, but I don't really want my whole hometown knowing. Not because I'm scared, I couldn't give two shits what these assholes think of me, but because I'm done with this life and want to move on. I just feel like the stage of my life that took place here is over, and a new me was born, a gayer me, and I'm leaving confused, scared, old me in the past and in my hometown, and there is no need to try to introduce new me to a place that has so little to do with new me. Everyone here can remember me as the good normal kid I was.

At the same time, I went to sacrament meeting with my parents on Sunday. It was my first time at a church service in about 10 months. It was fine, I fucking love Christmas programs, but I honestly don't miss going to church at all. No part of me felt bad for not having been in months. The only problem was I could feel everyone thought differently of me. I'm 21, haven't gone on a mission, etc. etc. I can tell people at my home ward talk about me and stuff, you know like the basic church gossip like "Oh why didn't he go on a mission? What did he do to prevent him from serving?" And I kinda just want to be like "Yo mofos, I'm homo." or something. Does it matter tho? I don't care that they're talking about me, fuck dude I talk about people like that all the time, but I can't decide if I want people to know what's really happening, or if I should just leave them in the dark and let them think what they want. I can't decide how important it is to me that people know I'm gay.

I've always been the kind of person who thought being gay was no big deal, I figured it was just a characteristic that influenced who I was, but didn't define who I was. That's still true, but previously I've never felt the need to address it around people. However now I find myself wanting to tell people, even if it doesn't matter to them or matter that they know. How do I know who to tell and how to tell them without coming across like a needy bitch who wants attention? I really don't want attention, I really don't want to be like a vegan who has to bring it up every 8 seconds, but for some reason I feel myself wanting to tell people. I guess I just need to figure out it what point it matters to me that people know I'm gay.

I've hung out with some of the friends I had when I was in high school, and it's weird. I feel like a whole new, better person, but I regress to old confused scared me when I'm around them. The more I write this the more I realize that I need to realize that I'm a new person and I can't be afraid to introduce old friends to new me. This is why I still write on this blog. It helps me take a step back an look at myself differently and realize things I couldn't realize without writing. I did tell one of my old friends earlier today, but it was a lady so it was low-risk. I'm hanging out with my best guy friend from high school tomorrow, I need to not give fuck and if it arises, just tell him about new me. I'm not "into" him or anything so it doesn't matter, but dudes always react weird to finding out one of their friends is gay. Idk man. We'll see what happens.

Being in my hometown just reminds me of how scared and confused and fucked up I was in highschool. I'm so glad I was able to be honest with myself and figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I feel closer to my family than ever before, and I'm glad I'm out of the terrible part of life that was high school. I'm a newer, better, stronger person and I'm thankful for that everyday.

Merry Christmas ya'll (or happy holidays).

Peace.

Story Time

Buckle up, it's story time.

Before we start, Branches is so hawt right now. Check it (wait for the horn, it's mad cash).

Sooooo, this week I had an "oh F---" moment.

Let me preface this story by saying that I got a new job a few months ago basically doing my hobby. Don't want to give to much away, but I love my job. There's a few catches though. All my coworkers but one are Mormon, and the current owner and one of my managers are HELLA Mormon, like shit we played one of the Saturday conference sessions on the customer tv, then closed early for the second session. anyway the Mormon stuff doesn't bother me I'm used to it, but make a note of it. Also due to politics with my job I don't want to get into, we're getting ready to move to a new manager who is 20 years old, which is one year younger than I am. It doesn't bother me, so it's no big deal, However his father is the Hella Mormon owner of the shop. Not a big deal but it contributes to the story.

Sooo to the story.

Sometimes when I feel the need I use tinder, usually with my preferences set to women only, just in case someone were to open the app on my phone, but occasionally when I'm feeling it I switch to dudes and take it seriously, but not too seriously because c'mon it's tinder lol. So anywho when I tind for ladies, it's just right swipes (like) as fast as possible, "stackin' mad chicks" as my friend puts it. So I had a friend over who just broke up with his girlfriend, and he is back on the tinder game, so I swapped to ladies and did my mad right swiping thing, and we were having a good laugh, making fake conversations with the bots on there and what not (Note: bots are the fake accounts trying to get users to go to pornsites). Anyway the friend eventually left. Before this instance I hadn't been on tinder in months, so after my friend left I got ready to go to bed, and got back on tinder, I swapped my preferences back to dudes and BAM! it's my soon to be manager. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What the fuck tho.

I don't know why but i got kinda messed up over seeing him on tinder? It was just awkward as hell yo I don't know why. So here's where shit escalates.

I freak the fuck out, I don't really want people at work knowing I'm gay because it doesn't matter at all. I don't want it to affect the way they treat me. So I rush and throw my preferences back to females praying that it won't show him my profile. But then I'm sitting there and start thinking about all the people (especially in provo) who view both men and women on tinder, and their bio usually says something like "not gay, just looking for friends" or some shit like that. I mean, my new manager does seem like the kinda kid who would do something like that so I swap my preference back to dudes and go on the hunt. Yo I tore through like 80 dudes before finding my manager again. Shit was intense. I open his profile and the first thing that catches my eye is "Prince Charming" and I'm thinking ok, he wants to be someones prince charming, not necessarily gay, but then I really read it and it says "just looking for my prince charming" and YOOOOOOO! damn that's some hella gay shit right there. The kick in the pants is that I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows. Maybe his close friends know, but I don't think his family knows and I know none of our coworkers (some of whom are his family) know. It's a lot of pressure. I don't want to fuck it up for him,

So here's the deal. I swapped back to ladies and haven't gone back. this happened about a week ago. that story got a little crazy because just thinking it brings back some intense feelings. Let me clear up any questions you may be asking now.

-Are these emotions because you like your boss?
No, I don't want to be rude but he's just not my type so that has nothing to do with the story.

-Why did you react in such a weird way, since you yourself are gay? It shouldn't be a big deal right?
No it shouldn't be a big deal, but it's not every day you find out your super Mormon boss is gay. I guess that just because I'm gay I still really haven't had to deal with other people that are close to me being gay, hence the over-reaction. It's not a big deal, but I guess I just don't know how to handle it like it's no big deal haha. I also just realized while typing this that a lot of my reaction comes from pressure I now feel to not give anything away. I don't think anyone close to him besides me and maybe some friends know. I don't want to fuck up and reveal he is gay or something.

-do you plan on doing anything about it?
Hell naw. I have been in that situation and I have deep respect for anyone in it. I know how tough it is, and it's not my place to act on it for you. He will do what he feels comfortable, tell who he feels comfortable, and do it in his own time. I don't want to do anything to affect that.


So yeah, that happened. now I'm sitting here, about to see this coworker at work tomorrow and I don't think he knows that I know he's gay. I guess the point of this story was just to get out a weird and shocking experience. I've actually only ever met one other gay person face to face, so now this coworker makes two? Makes you realize that anyone could be gay, no matter how straight they are....

But here's my real fear, now that I know my coworker/boss is gay and Mormon, he could be on here and could read this. If that's the case dude, talk to me. Just write "talk to me" on my to-do list at work or something. Or just call me a homo I don't care. But only do it if you want and are comfortable talking to me about it. If not, just act like you never read this, if you for some reason did read this.

NOTE: This whole story is a fucking mess. I'm going to go back over it tomorrow and clean it up but I gotta sleep.

---------------------------

Anyway that's the story. Thought it was share worthy. But on a more personal note, I usually say things like "everyone important knows" when talking about being in or out of the closet, but I realized that I still haven't told my brother. I've been chatting with my dad, and we kinda decided I just have to tell him and how he react is what it is (He's pretty mormon, got mad and super preachy when I didn't go on a mission. Told me I was going to hell for not actively asking the bishop for a calling, that kinda stuff). I set the gears in motion tonight to tell him, so it will happen in the next week or two. Wish me luck.



One last thing, I want to switch the title of my blog. I'm pretty inactive right now and don't want to give off the idea that I'm actively Mormon anymore. Would calling my blog something to do with "Provo Homo" seem insensitive? I honestly am not a politically correct person, but I don't want to offend anyone with the title of my blog. Living in provo and being a homo do come with complications and are the stem of a lot of my posts... Just let me know.

"Anyone could be gay, no matter how straight they are"
-Badger 2015


Peace

Had to Vent

Song of the post:

So anyway I'm sure all of ya'll have been getting blasted by this whole new D. Todd Christofferson thingy on facebook about children of same sex couples and what not. I'm not here to talk about it or to tell people how to feel about it. I can say that it doesn't bother me, I think they have the right intentions and what not, but I was reading a lot of peoples' on my facebooks opinions, and holy shit some people are just stupid. There's the one group that's like "Oh the church hates innocent children just because their parents are the same gender" and then there's the other group that is like "Good, the church needs to be harsher and less supportive of homos" and what not. I dunno man, it just seems like the church doesn't want to come between parents and children by telling children that thier parents are sinners, at least until the child us old enough to fully understand the situation. Sounds Kosher to me?

That's not the point of this post. All the opinions have really got me thinking, which isn't good. I've come out to my parents and most friends and shit, but I'm still really fucking messed up when it comes to being gay and stuff. I'm stuck between really believing the church and feeling like shit, and thinking the church is total horseshit, and feeling scared. Let me break this down. I'm still living next to BYU, and almost everyone around me is mormon. I no longer attend church, and identify as inactive. I haven't renounced the church and don't intend to, nor do I intend to have my records removed from the church. Sometimes when talking to the people around me and talking about church, I still feel it. I still feel like it's the truest damn thing I ever heard, in which case I feel terrible for not going, and for not wanting to go to church. And then I start thinking about cute girls I could take on dates, and then I feel even shittier because I don't want to date or marry a woman... So over time my mentality switches to the exact opposite. I wonder why any sentient being would put me on a planet to experience life, and then limit the hell out of my experience under penalty of eternal unhappiness. (I guess telestial or terestrial isn't necessarily unhappiness, but I want that celestial shit yo). I don't understand how wanting to be in love, something that is considered one of the best and most necessary life experiences, could be taken and held off limits for me. This train of thinking makes me scared, because it makes me think "Is there a God, is there anything after death? What is the purpose?" and that shit is super scary to think about. I don't like it.

So I'm in this lose lose situation. And I'm so fucking tired of it, but I don't know how to go about fixing it. I know I can't have the security of religion with the happiness of being gay, but there's got to be something that will satisfy me. Usually I'm fine not thinking about any of this shit, but all these stupid posts on facebook got me thinking again and it's terrible. I don't care. At all. I had no idea so many of my mormon friends thought about homosexuality at all, or even cared about it, but suddenly every dumb motherfucker on facebook has an opinion. Why? A majority of them aren't even affected by it. I've never read so many bigoted comments from both sides of the spectrum.

I just don't know what to think or how to feel anymore. I just drown my feelings and thoughts in other activities, like sports, or now that it's cold outside, videogames. I feel like I'm not progressing or doing anything constructive, but fuck, at least I'm not thinking about how shitty of a situation I'm in. I don't really know the point of this post, I just had to vent. Sorry for the incoherent mess that is my thoughts. Time to go try to give myself diabetes from those delicious Costco cookies, and get some sleep. Hopefully this whole thing will blow over and I can get back to not worrying about it. I know that not worrying about it or even thinking about it may seem like a bad idea or a bad plan, but for now it's the only thing keeping me sane, so I'm going to ride this train till something drastic happens.

Peace.

It's Been a While

Lol it's been so long since I've posted I got a shitton of good music to post, I can't decide which song to go with. I guess this song since I been jammin' to it a lot lately

Ok so here's the skinny. I haven't posted one of these bitches in a while. There's a lot of reasons why, but here's the two big reasons why...
     1. I was using this blog to try to help get rid of my depression. I was in a dark place and had nobody to talk to and nothing to do but stew in my own negative thoughts and used this blog as an attempt to fight it. I'm in a much better place now, I have a job I love and lots of good friends (not out to many of them but lol whatever) and I'm not as classically depressed as I was before (I still have bad days and shit tho) so I have little need to blog.
     2. Making this blog public may have been a mistake. I used to have no cares as to what I said or how I said it, I used to just say "fuck it" and post whatever I needed to vent in whatever way I felt like at the time. After I made this blog public and got added to MOHO I received a lot of support and stuff for my blog which was great, but at the same time I'd like to think being public doesn't affect what I say, but even I know I'm just lying to myself. I can't help it, but when I know others and going to see my work I do things differently. I always have. Alone I dress like a fuckin' savage, idgaf what I look like, but when I go anywhere where people will see me I have to shower and dress presentable and do my hair and shit. It drives my family nuts. "Just throw on your slippers lets go!" followed by "No, let me get dressed it'll just take a minute or two" is commonplace in my family. Anyway that same concept happened with my blog and it made writing less relieving.

So here's why I'm writing now.... I'm in a better place, and just because I don't have much depression to vent anymore doesn't mean I shouldn't write. I feel like just getting my feelings out can help others that are in places I used to be. Plus I think writing is hella fun. So I'm going to try to write more and get more shit posted.
Another idea I've been toying with is slightly becoming more and more public, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not, or if people know or not. I'm the same person either way, Why do I need to hide it? I've seen a lot of stuff about people who are openly gay at BYU or openly gay Mormons and I envy their courage. That shit takes massive balls man. Idk I guess I'm kinda playing with this idea because I want to be fully out and not have to give a shit anymore, but unfortunately I kinda give a shit. Well I'm just playing with this idea so we'll see whether it happens or not.

Here's the "gay theme" if you want to call it that this post.

I recently texted another gay kid at BYU. we talked and really got along and could totally relate to each other, and I suggested meeting up and talking in person (I have no intentions of hooking up, I just want a friend I can talk to about gay shit who actually understands it). He seemed totally down with the idea at first, but then backed out last second with some bullshit message about "This isn't what I want, I can't do this or live this way.. blah blah blah." Like you wtf man, I just wanted to talk. Fucking chill. Why do people think that all gay dudes wanna do is get their noodle wet? Fawk that man. But even more important than that, it pains me to see this guy scared of himself. I guess one of my issues with the church is that it creates an environment where if you are different you are taught to be scared of yourself and your emotions and not to face them, which leads to so many fucked up issues down the road. Luckily I was able to somehow force myself to get over what I had been taught and to face my gay demons (That sounds hardcore tho) and now I'm in a much better place. I'm not saying I'm special or super strong willed or anything, but some people are taught harder and can't overcome the deep seated hatred of themselves that the church instills and they can't face their gay demons, and it totally fucks them up. The guy I was talking to was super nice, but he seemed really weird at the same time, Like he was doing a drug deal or some terrorist shit just by talking to me. I'm not the bad guy in this situation I just want to help people, and in turn help myself with what I'm facing in life, but I can't do that because people get so caught up on what the church wants us to be they can't even think about what they really are. I dunno man... It makes me sad.

So that seems really negative towards the church, and it's not really intended to be. I love the gospel, I think the church does a lot of great things, but it is a terrible environment for young gay people to grow up in. This is my opinion, but I feel like I was taught growing up to hate myself and to shun my gay side and hide the fuck outta it like hiding jews during the holocaust. That's a really racy comparison, but it fits. Sorry I'm being a bit vulgar, but I feel really strongly about this. A lot of my issues stem from the fact that I still kinda hate the gay inside me, and feel like it's awful and makes me an unworthy human being. I don't blame the church for it, but the church environment, The culture and the teachers I had and that sorta shit.

So anyway I just want people to know there is nothing wrong with facing your gay demons, It has helped me so much, it's helped me feel better about myself and become a better person. It's hard to do, I know, but I promise if you man up and do it, you won't regret it. I pains me to see people scared of themselves. Don't be. You are who you are and that won't change, so fucking own it. You are awesome, and have nothing to hide.

Ok so I have a cold and am tired so this is a bit ramble-y and I apologize, so here's funny pun to send ya'll off.



Peace.

Confusion

So here's the song. No explanation needed, I just like it.

Well so at this point I'm out to most people that matter, and it feels great, but I've entered into a state of complete confusion. Like before I was out I was only allowed to think one way, but now that I can do what I want and be who I want, I don't really know what I want. I mean, it's become pretty apparent to me recently that it would be hard for me to be happy with a woman, and with the support of my parents and the weight of having to go to BYU off my shoulders, I think I'm ready to try dating who and what I want. The issue is that in my life I've always avoided dating due to a lack of interest or inability to date the people I want. Because of this I don't know how to date, or better yet how to get a date. I'm not sure Provo is the best place to learn the how to's of dating, but I really
like it here. I don't know if I should stay in Provo, if I should even go right back to school or take some time off, or what. All these issues are hitting me at once and I have no idea what to do about it. It's created a lot of confusion for me.

I think the real issue is that I'm dying to date someone. I really want the whole relationship deal, like caring about someone and having them care about me, and being connected to them more than just a friend (I'm not saying sex). I have just wanted that for a while now, and all the questions I'm asking myself that I mentioned above affect this desire to be in a relationship, and it's killing me.

I asked an engaged friend what the hell he was doing, like fuckin' a we're 20 years old man why is he getting engaged already, and his reply changed the way I've looked at relationships forever. He said something to the effect of "We'll I guess I found someone I want to hang out with more than anyone else. I'd rather sit and do homework with her, than play Halo with the boys ya know?" And like damn son that changed everything. I want to find someone that I want to hang out with like that you know? Someone that I care about so deeply.

So anywho due to not letting myself be gay up to this point I'm helplessly lost when it comes to dating or fuck even flirting? I was talking to a guy, semi-romantically and shit he was smooth man I was blushing and shit, but I had no idea how to respond or anything. I guess other than that there's no real point to this post. I just wanted to get it off my chest because it's frustrating as shit that I want nothing more than to be in a relationship but have no idea how to go about it.

Welp other than that life is plugging along I'm doing pretty well. It seems the depression is slowly lifting, some days it's really bad others it's not but I have noticed it's steadily getting better. I have a pretty close group of friends who all know I'm gay now, and it's hella awesome like I have a lot more fun now and can just be myself. All in all life is getting better and I'm pretty happy for once.

SOooo I've got more shit to post about so look for some new stuff coming soon.

Instead of doing a funny picture to end things here's a funny youtube video. I laughed wayyyyyy to hard at this.

Peace

Dude, Like I Don't Even Know Man...

Whenever I get really confused I say "Dude like I don't even know man" and it used to piss my mom off. She was like "I'm your mom, not dude, and definitely not man..." Anywho, the title is slightly fitting because I'm really confused about what to title this entry haha. Anyway I heard of a South African rap rave group a few years ago called Die Antwoord (pronounced: Dee Ant-voort) and liked them a bit but thought they were really strange. So I recently saw the movie Chappie and the two singers in Die Antwoord are two of the main characters, and a lot of their music is featured. I liked what I heard so I went home and looked them up. They're actually pretty cool people, even though their music is really really "out there." so I thought I'd post one of their songs to start. NOTE: IT'S EXTREMELY VULGAR AND HAS INAPPROPRIATE THEMES. It's good for getting pumped though:

Here's another amazing song from a group I been listening to a lot lately. This one is clean and more like the music I usually post. This will be long so two songs because I can.

So here we go. Shortly after my last post I realized I wasn't acting like myself. Last year I had an 8am Class I hated, and would wake up like 15 minutes before class started, and be like "Oh shit I gotta go!" and I'd spring up, get dressed, grab a muffin and run to class. I hate missing class. I could do that every day for a week on 3-4 hours of sleep a night. This semester however, I have a 10am class I really like, and I'll wake up with half an hour to get there, with 6-7 hours of sleep and I'd think "Alright let's do this, gotta go to class..." but then I'd get back in bed and go back to sleep. I didn't want to but mentally I couldn't force myself to get up. At first I thought I was being lazy, but I just didn't have the strength to face the day. After that I noticed I lost interest in tons of things. Friends would invite me to do things I love and I just wouldn't go with them, no excuse. And it's not like I was skipping stuff to stay home and watch netflix or play video games or something, I'd just lay in bed or sit at the table and think about how bad I'm fucking up my life and how there's no hope for me. I then realized that I may be clinically depressed. I consulted a friend who has been diagnosed and has been dealing with severe clinical depression for a while, and she told me I was explaining exactly how her depression started.

It's crazy, last semester I found a statistic that said 70-80% of all LGBT students at BYU develop depression at some point (not sure if develop is the right word but it gets the point across). When I read it I was like "haha bitches life is good I ain't getting depression" but damn do I regret saying that. It's like everything finally caught up with me. I finally grew some testes and went it and talked to my bishop. I told him I thought I had depression and he asked me some questions and told me it's not uncommon for college kids to get it. I then told him I liked dudes. The first thing he said after I told him was "Well that definitely is a factor of the depression then eh?" We had a good talk, tried to figure some things out, and I went on my way. We agreed I should tell my dad and see what he wanted to do about it (Get off campus medical help, or go to BYU's free mental health center). I put it off for a week or two, but finally I was talking to my dad and asked if he was free later that night, because I had something serious to talk about. He got nervous and asked if I'd done anything wrong, I said no and told him I'd call him later.

That night I called my dad up and the first thing he said was "What's wrong just tell me?" I don't really remember what I said but I awkwardly told him I thought I was depressed. He asked some basic questions, I explained how I was feeling, and he agreed I probably have an issue. He asked me how classes were going (grade wise) and I said not great. This was my biggest fear. All my life my parents have put a lot of emphasis and pressure on getting good grades. I remember my first C in college. Me mum made is seem like the world was ending. I got yelled at a bit for it. I was terrified of telling my parent's that my grades were suffering from this depression. After I told him it wasn't going well he calmly explained that if need be I could withdraw from the semester, but that we should talk about it a bit first. It was a huge relief. I could finally stop worrying about my parents reaction when I dropped that bomb on them and focus on fixing myself (getting myself back to the way I was). He then moved on to ask me what could be causing the depression. I told him about the academic pressure that the school causes, and also the pressures I feel from him and my mom, and the pressure they put on me and how it affects me. He told me that he and my mother were ok with me not doing well, and that they would support me and help me if I needed to take a semester or two off. He asked if there was anything else contributing, and I mentioned I had some personal issues that I was working through with the bishop that were obviously contributing. He asked me what they were, but I explained it was extremely personal and I'd rather not talk about it. He asked for hints or ideas, and I told him it wasn't a sin or I wasn't in trouble, but I had some stuff I needed to figure out. That ended the conversation.

It was a huge step in the right direction. We came up with a plan to get me in to see a professional, and it took a huge weight off my shoulders. It allowed me to focus more on fixing the depression, instead of how to tell my parent's I'm not doing well/how to hide the fact that I'm not doing well in school. I was blown away by my father response. I got started on the plan we made, and then rolled along this weekend. I went out and had some fun with friends Friday and Saturday, and Sunday my dad asked if I'd be free to Skype. I knew he wanted to follow up with what we had talked about, so I told him when a good time was, and Skyped him Sunday afternoon. My mom was sitting with him, and they got straight into talking about how I was feeling. At first it felt a bit accusatory but after a minute my mom cleared the air and said she wasn't accusing me of anything and she wasn't mad. The tone in her voice was concern.

My mom has always been a bit crazy (in a good way) where if things aren't going her way or the way she had planned, she makes them go her way, and for my brother and I that was always punishment or yelling or nagging till things were going how she wanted. A few times my mom had threatened to take away the financial support she was giving me. Before I came to college my parents made me the deal that if I could pay for school and my everyday expenses (food and what not) that they would pay for housing. They didn't mind helping me pay for food (they weren't going to let me starve) but wanted me to cover most of it. Sounded like a deal to me, and that's the way it's worked since freshman year. Over the years as issues with grades have arisen my mom has used taking away their support in paying for my housing as motivation for me to get things back on track. It was a huge relief when this time, when I was actually in a bad situation, she really just cared for me and didn't bring up money or anything at all. I could tell she really just wanted the best for me.

We talked a lot about therapy and stuff, and withdrawing from school, and then we got back onto the causes of the depression. My parents were incessant on knowing the reasons. I kept just talking about school and stuff, but noted my personal issues that I was working out with the bishop. They asked what my personal issues were and I said I'd really rather not talk about it. They asked if I was in trouble or had done anything wrong. I said no, and they told me that if that's the case I had nothing to fear. Now being completely honest I told them to wait a sec and ran to my bathroom and tried to phone up one of my really good friends to get his advice. Unfortunately there was no answer, so I quickly checked to make sure nobody could hear me, and walked back to my computer with no idea what to do.

Here's the thing, I'm a pretty tough person. I can't remember the last time I cried. In the last 2 years I've broken 3 bones, had surgery on one, and severely fractured the inside of my knee with no tears. I walked myself to the hospital close to half a mile with a destroyed collar bone without shedding a single tear. However as I sat down I couldn't handle it. I mean, to save my image it wasn't like a full on cry, but yo I was tearing up pretty bad and ya I was pretty much crying. I'm sure some of you have felt it before but all the pressure and everything was hanging on this moment. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how my parents would react (check some of my old posts to see how homophobic my parents were growing up) and I just was terrified.

I sat back down and voiced my want to not share my personal issues. My Mom got a bit mad and said "At this point if you don't tell us I'll be more mad at you that anything you possible could just tell me." So I decided to just go for it. I'm not good at breaking the new to people, so I said "Well, you guys get on me for not dating, what if I had a reason for not dating?" and my parents were like what is it? So I said it was a lack of interest. My dad said "That's no big deal you don't have to date..." and I said "Well I want to date.... just...." and my dad was like "Oh a lack of interest in women?" and I nodded, and my dad asked "But you are interested... in guys?" to which I nodded again. At that moment it was out. The secret I'd hid from my parents for nearly 10 years was out. They now knew everything about me. I was terrified of the reaction (I honestly thought my mom wouldn't believe it/try to fix me) but the first thing said was by my mother, who said to my father "Oh so like, gay?"

It makes me laugh thinking about it now, but that was the first thing said after I "came out" to my parents. We had a really good talk, and quite frankly I'm still blown away by how understanding my parents were. I don't know what i expected really, but man it was way better than I ever could have hoped for. We discussed leaving BYU (I likely will) leaving the church (I probably won't right now) and things of that nature. It was amazing. To end my dad said "Well you are the way you are and there's no changing that. So be yourself, and decided what will honestly make you happy. If it's leaving BYU and/or the church, then so be it. We just want you to be happy and do what is best for you." Holy shit man I mean... I'm still speechless.

So that happened like a few days ago and I'm still just blown away. I feel free. I feel like I can finally talk to my parents. I'm hiding noting. I have a good friend that wants to move in with me in the summer, and I yoloed and told him everything I was dealing with (don't want a friend to find out after living with me for a few months that I'm gay, because then there's potential for it to go really bad). He was super chill though and said nothing would change. It's just a huge relief to see that people still love me and support me. Growing up I thought if people found out I'd be disowned and excommunicated and all my friends would want to burn me, which I know is unreasonable but it's always made me scared to tell people. I mean, I just keep lifting weights off my shoulders this week it feels awesome.

Now I owe a lot to a buddy of mine who's on his mission. I emailed him about all my issues and my fears about talking to my parents and he said (and this is straight outta his email) "I love you [name], and if you can pray for the strength to talk to your dad I would do it, I think its a good idea to talk to him, I know he loves you and will want to help you too, just go for it." Me and this friend have a history of doing crazy shit together, and when I was scared to do something he'd just say "Dude just do it, yolo mate, no balls." at the end of the email when he says "just go for it" it was like he was there joking with me saying "no balls dude do it." That probably doesn't mean much to other people, but that can get me to do just about anything, and it worked here. Gotta thank my friend for the motivation to do this.

Well this entry has been written over 3 days, and is really long, gets a bit ramble-ish but I had to get it out. There's still a lot more I need to write but give me a few days. I'm going to start posting more to hopefully help get some shit off my chest and get me out of this depressed state I seem to be in.

Now to end on a lighter note ya'll have to see the movie The Kingsmen. it's an over the top spy movie about the british secret service, but man the british kills me they're all like "Don't even fink about showin ya face in here again bruv, get out ya pleb" and it's just super funny to hear them talk. great movie. 10/10 would reccomend.

So there you have it, I'm out to my parents and am trying to figure out where to go from here, but for now I feel great. Sorry for the long post, here's some funny pictures to make it up.

(that's exactly what someone who does cocaine would say...)

Peace