Well so at this point I'm out to most people that matter, and it feels great, but I've entered into a state of complete confusion. Like before I was out I was only allowed to think one way, but now that I can do what I want and be who I want, I don't really know what I want. I mean, it's become pretty apparent to me recently that it would be hard for me to be happy with a woman, and with the support of my parents and the weight of having to go to BYU off my shoulders, I think I'm ready to try dating who and what I want. The issue is that in my life I've always avoided dating due to a lack of interest or inability to date the people I want. Because of this I don't know how to date, or better yet how to get a date. I'm not sure Provo is the best place to learn the how to's of dating, but I really
like it here. I don't know if I should stay in Provo, if I should even go right back to school or take some time off, or what. All these issues are hitting me at once and I have no idea what to do about it. It's created a lot of confusion for me.
I think the real issue is that I'm dying to date someone. I really want the whole relationship deal, like caring about someone and having them care about me, and being connected to them more than just a friend (I'm not saying sex). I have just wanted that for a while now, and all the questions I'm asking myself that I mentioned above affect this desire to be in a relationship, and it's killing me.
I asked an engaged friend what the hell he was doing, like fuckin' a we're 20 years old man why is he getting engaged already, and his reply changed the way I've looked at relationships forever. He said something to the effect of "We'll I guess I found someone I want to hang out with more than anyone else. I'd rather sit and do homework with her, than play Halo with the boys ya know?" And like damn son that changed everything. I want to find someone that I want to hang out with like that you know? Someone that I care about so deeply.
So anywho due to not letting myself be gay up to this point I'm helplessly lost when it comes to dating or fuck even flirting? I was talking to a guy, semi-romantically and shit he was smooth man I was blushing and shit, but I had no idea how to respond or anything. I guess other than that there's no real point to this post. I just wanted to get it off my chest because it's frustrating as shit that I want nothing more than to be in a relationship but have no idea how to go about it.
Welp other than that life is plugging along I'm doing pretty well. It seems the depression is slowly lifting, some days it's really bad others it's not but I have noticed it's steadily getting better. I have a pretty close group of friends who all know I'm gay now, and it's hella awesome like I have a lot more fun now and can just be myself. All in all life is getting better and I'm pretty happy for once.
SOooo I've got more shit to post about so look for some new stuff coming soon.
Instead of doing a funny picture to end things here's a funny youtube video. I laughed wayyyyyy to hard at this.