Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Things I Wish I Knew While Coming to Terms With my Sexuality

I heard someone the other day say "Everyone's a little gay." Haha for real though, isn't everyone at least a little gay?

Been too long, I got too many songs.
Song time:

Aye first song is a bit depressing but I love when you can feel the emotion in songs. Second song deals with a thought a bit later on.

I know it's been over a year but I'm BACK ON MY BULLSHIT!!!

Haha for real though, things have been going so well I forgot about this blog, but recently I've had a few close friends come out to me, and usually I'm one of the first people they tell because I too am gay, and because, I'm fucking rad who wouldn't tell me? Anyway whenever people come out I always remember my blog, and I think "I should send them a link to my blog, maybe my past can help them a bit." but today I finally went back through and read some of my old post and damn I'm a lunatic. Anyway it gave me the idea to write a post about things I wish I knew while I was coming to terms with my sexuality.


1. Haha you're gay nerd.

Terrible way to word it, but man, I wish someone would have just told me "dude ur gay." I was on the fence so long. I'd see a dude and be like "man he's hot" but then I'd see a girl and be like "I could hopefully make it work with her" and somewhere in there had time to convince myself I might not really be gay. I can tell you now, if you're a closeted Mormon and you think you might be gay, chances are you hella gay bro. or brah, or whatever the female equivalent of bro is. I wish someone had sat me down and said "You're gay and there's nothing you can do about it. Accept it." So I'll tell you all now. You're gay and there's nothing you can do about it but embrace it and love yourself for it.

2. Haha others are gay nerds too.

I hear stories like this a lot. Young Mormon boys think they might be gay, get on tinder to look at dudes, they see someone they kinda know, and freak the fuck out and delete tinder, and accept they they will be outed ASAP by the person they met once a few years ago that they just saw on tinder. I got news for ya'll, it aint work like that. Sure, I'm guessing at some point someone somewhere outed someone via tinder, but chances here (UT) are that the people you saw are either in the same boat and you and equally scared by seeing you on tinder, or they have been in the same situation you are in, and totally understand it, and respect you and your situation because they know how shitty it is. God I wish I understood this, I did that shit too many times, and always thought I would be outed, and never was. It caused me a lot of unnecessary stress.

3. You're gay, who cares?

Ya'll we are lucky to live in a time where being gay really isn't a big deal. It's magical. I mean, we gotta be a bit careful because sure there's shitty people out there that don't like you because you're gay, but that's pretty fuckin' rare these days. I have officially come out everywhere, Facebook, instagram, snapchat. Fuck twitter and anyone who uses it (not really though I love you all, I just don't tweet). So far I haven't noticed anyone treat me differently (notice is the key word, I'm sure some people might, but I sure as hell don't notice, and that's what matters). The people who love you, they are smart. They love you for who you are, not for your sexuality. Sure some may be surprised when you come out, but most tend to get over it and get used to it quick. Plus a lot of them probably already know. It sad, but those close to you can pick up on shit like that. Don't discredit the intelligence of your friends and loved ones. The point of this is to say, don't stress being gay. I did a lot, it caused me a lot of problems connecting with friends. I wish someone had told me "Nobody will care that you're gay, it's not a big deal." I'm not saying it's not a big deal to you, because it is. It should be a big deal to you, but it just isn't a big deal to others. They have their own lives and their own shit to worry about, they have bigger fish to fry. So don't stress it so much.

4. If people don't accept you when you come out, they aren't people you want to have around anyway.

God I heard this so much, and hated people for it, so get ready to hate me. I would always think "yeah, but they're my friends and they mean so much to me we've had such great times. I really can't lose them." Yeah, people can mean a lot, but trust me when I say that on the very rare chance someone makes a stink about you being one of the gays, they really don't mean a lot, and you won't regret losing them. I had one friend in particular who was pretty homophobic (it seemed). He would use slurs and talk about how disgusting gays were when it came up, but when I told him I was gay, his tune changed immediately. He stopped using slurs, starting being more open minded about the gays, and we're still great friends. He truly means a lot to me. I had another friend who I was equally as close with, but he never used homophobic slurs or ever talked bad about gays. Because of this, when I came out to him, I did it pretty casually and pretty quickly thinking it would be no big deal, but he acted shocked and quickly quit inviting me places. Sure we had some great times, but he wasn't a person who was worth keeping around, and I felt no pain or heartache when he quit being my friend. I was too busy hanging out with those who accepted me. Those who really mean a lot will always stick around. Don't be afraid of losing people, because if being gay drives them away, you had no business gracing them with your time. Also, if you do lose a friend, you can still remember all the good times fondly. Losing someone doesn't have to taint old memories. You shouldn't let it taint old memories, but you shouldn't have to hide who you are to keep a friend.

5. Being gay is too fun to be sad.

Holy shit I love being gay. Dudes are just too fine for me to waste my time with women (sorry ladies, you're all great people though). I spent years depressed and lonely because I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality. I tried to be straight, tried to deal with women, and was always sad. It's because being gay (when you are gay) is too damn fun! Embrace the gay. Some of my gay readers may want to stay in the church though. Hear this though, you can be gay and stay with the church. And the church has said explicitly that it's fine. What a time to be alive, you can be openly gay in the Mormon church. So if you want to stay with the church, don't hide yourself, you're still fucking gay. Be the gayest you that you can be. It's too fun. Goddammit it's fun as hell. Sure you won't be able to date, but you can throw the sassiest Z-Snaps the congregation has ever seen. Don't hide yourself to make staying with the church easier. It won't. Being openly gay in the church is more fun, and healthier, than staying closeted in the church. If you're gay, BE GAY, and own it. The church will accept you, and you can be free. It's win win. To all the gays who don't stay with the church, you have nothing holding you back from being gay, so BE FUCKING GAY! It's just too fun to be the real authentic you. Stop hiding and being sad. Life is short, so have fun, be yourself, and eat ice cream year round.

6.  There is happiness outside the church.

This is probably the most important thing to me. This might get a bit negative with the church, so if you are happy in the church skip this. I spent over a year in perpetual misery because I knew I was gay, knew I wanted to date men, but couldn't because I was told so often, and so loudly, that there WAS ZERO HAPPINESS OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. None. Only tears, misery and pain. I was told that every goddamn week, so even once I decided I couldn't live within the church rules, I still couldn't get myself to leave the church because I was already so sad, I didn't want to be more sad from being out of the church. I finally grew the sack and decided to not go to church. I wasn't going to make up and dumb excuses (I used to get sick a lot on Sundays, or "go to friends wards" a lot) but this week I decided not to go to church because I didn't want to, and for no other reason. I remember sitting in my room that Sunday. My roommates all walked in after church and were like "oh we missed you today why weren't you at church?" And I said "Because I didn't want to go." They all looked at me with faces of horror, and I waited for the existentialist dread and sadness of not having the church in my life to hit, but it never did. As a matter of fact, I'm more happy outside the church than I ever though I could be while in it. But nobody ever told me you could be happy outside the church so I spent over a year in sadness in the church, that I could have spent happy outside of it. Don't let fear of being unhappy keep you in the church. So I'm going to tell you all now, straight up. THERE IS HAPPINESS OUTSIDE OF THE MORMON CHURCH.

7. You can make your own Rumspringa

I always envied the Amish. They get a week (I think) to try everything. I knew I liked dudes, but had only ever been with women, so I didn't REALLY know did I? I wished I could just go make out with a dude and see if I enjoyed it. I thought I would, but I also thought I'd like making out with a lady, which I ended up hating. I was always unsure of my sexuality because I never had a real gay experience, but I didn't want to have a gay experience because if I ended up not liking it, then I had just sinned for no reason. Here's the catch though, the church will (almost) always take you back. Going on a date with a guy won't get you excommunicated, I don't think kissing a dude will either. Also, if you intentionally sin, it doesn't flip a switch in you body that allows SATAN full control of you life. If you sin, you're still yourself, you have all of the same thoughts and desires. So if you're unsure of your sexuality, go on a date with someone of the same gender, hell even kiss them. If you like it, great, sexuality confirmed. Maybe think about leaving the church. If you hate it, boom, you just crushed you gay feelings. Now staying in the church is easy. Yeah, you'll have to be ready to do some repenting, but that feeling of unease, that doubt in your sexuality will be gone, and you'll be able to give your all to the church. Don't be afraid to sin a bit. Everyone does, God will still love you. I finally realized after a year and a half of doubt and unhappiness, that having confirmation one way or the other (gay or not) would allow me to be the realest me. So I gave myself a one month "Rumspringa." I didn't go to church for that month, and I went on a few dates with a guy and ended up kissing him. I was still the same me though, the only thing that changed is that I KNEW FOR A FACT I was gay. I was so unsure for so many years that I didn't live a good life. But after that I knew who I was and what I wanted. ON the other hand, if I didn't like kissing a guy, then I could have gotten over my thoughts that I might be gay, gotten back in the church, and served them with all my heart and without doubts that I was living the right life for me.

I'm realizing now that my wording on this last point has gotten sloppy, sorry I'm a bit tired. What I'm trying to say is don't let fear of sin stop you from confirming your sexuality. If you're having doubts, act on them (carefully). Test the water. Testing the non-church waters won't kill you, and you can go back to the church waters at any time. Don't waste time making decisions that you don't know both sides to. If you need to, don't be afraid to learn both sides. I wish someone had told me that it was ok to date a guy, and that it was okay to kiss a guy, and that after I did those things I could still choose to go back to church. You don't have to be all in, or all out. And if you do leave the church, it isn't permanent. It will always be there if you want to go back to it.

NOTE: On those last few lines I'm not suggesting you bounce back and forth willy nilly. Leading a partner on to only leave them to go back to church is a shitty thing to do and makes you a shitty person. I'm saying you should inform yourself of both sides (through very casual non-committal experiences) and then make an educated decision for yourself, and hold to that decision. If you want to stay in church, good, serve them with all your heart. If you don't cool, but let the church go. Forget it, intend to never go back. If you decide to be gay with intent to later go back to the church, you're looking to get yourself fucked, and not in the fun way. Educate, decide, then carry out. Pick the side that makes you the most happy, and then milk it for all of it's happiness. Flip flopping won't give you any lasting happiness. Making a decision and sticking to your guns will. Just don't let fear prevent you from educating yourself of both sides, because nothing is more unhappy than picking and side and having doubts forever. Pick your side with all the information you need to make a lasting, happy decision.

Oke so that's my basic list. I'm realizing now that I quickly grew tired while writing and my coherency quickly deteriorates. Hopefully someone can get something of use out of this post. I do intend to post more, I've come a long way in the last year, and wanna catch ya'll up. Now I'm just writing with intent to help others, not just myself.

I have this titled "Everyone is Gay!" because it took a lot of people I knew coming out before I realized that others could use the help I never got, so now I want to help them. I'm finally in a good enough place to help them. I'm like a fucking veteran gay at this point, and should use my knowledge for good. I'm going to change the title to the list thingy though, with hopes that my title will be useful in helping those that need to see this list find it.

EDIT: Just learned Rumpringa lasts about 2 years for most Amish? What the fuck if that ain't the raddest shit I ever heard. Fucking own that shit bois!

funny pic
Image result for me @ myself whenever i develop feelings for someone


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Post Election Thoughts

Been a while, here's some songs:

I've never been a big facebooker, but after the election I feel the need to share some thoughts on facebook. I drafted up a post and wanted to share it on here too. I grew up in a small town in nevada that was really conservative, so I've seen a lot of shit about the election on facebook, mostly targeting liberals and protestors. So here's my draft: I want to make it shorter, but idk how. I'll likely revise and post it tomorrow:

So I rarely post anything of substance on here, but recent events have made me feel the need to share my thoughts. Since the election I've seen tons of posts on here that go any sort of direction, some rude, some begging for kindness, I simply want to throw some of my observations and thoughts out there. Plus I've been toying with the idea of deleting facebook for a while, it's a huge time consumer and I feel as if nothing good comes from it, so in a few days I'll be deactivating it for a month or two to see how it goes, so these are my closing thoughts for now.

The election has brought a lot of different opinions out, I have thoroughly enjoyed it. The mixing of ideas and opinions to create the best environment for everyone is what I think makes America great. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and everyones opinion should be valued and respected, no matter how it differs from our own. I saw a lot of posts saying "If you support X candidate you should unfriend me now!" and things like that. That is not a healthy approach. Surrounding youself in differing opinions opens up thoughts and ideas we never would have had otherwise, and opens our minds to be more understanding and makes it easier to connect with others. I encourage all my friends and aquaintences to have differing opinions, and know that I will always respect those opinions. We may not agree, but that is ok, and it is great. I want to learn from you, but hope you can have the respect to treat my opinions the same and want to learn from me. I hope nobody unfriend me because of my ideas and opinions, but if you feel you must, then go for it.

That being said, my political stance this election was pretty simple; "Anyone but Trump please." I have my reasons that I'll state in a minute, I just want to say that Trump won and I acknowledge that. The people have spoken and he will be my next president. I hope he does the best he can for the country. I will respect him. I will stand by his good ideas, question his questionable ones, and be the best and most supportive citizen I can be.

All of this leads into the main reason I'm writing this. No matter what opinions and ideas people have, violence and hate are never okay with me, especially against fellow countrymen and women. The fact that Trump ran on a platform based around hate didn't sit well with me. The fact the people from both political sides wished harm and death upon each other makes me sad. We are one country, we need to support and understand each other. That's why it bring me a lot a pain to see people calling each other out, especially the protestors. I want people to realize that the people protesting aren't "babies" and they aren't "pussies" who need to "get over it, Trump won." Protests are a legitamate way to voice concerns in a very public way that is easy to get noticed. And I know a lot of you are thinking "We didn't protest when Obama won, why should they protest now?" I'll tell you why. Obama never threatened to take away peoples' civil rights. Obama never promoted or stood for openly descriminating against people. As much as you can say about Trump and defend him, he has done both of those. The protests are because people are scared of having rights taken away, or being descriminated against. These concerns are legit. These concerns are scary. How do I know this?
I've never been a fan of saying things on facebook, ever, but I feel that at this time it is important that I help people understand. I know how scary the Tump/Pence presidency can be because I am gay. I am who I am, no matter how hard I tried, or how hard I prayed, I can't change who I am, and I have grown to accept and take pride in myself. I admitted to myself that I was gay four or so years ago, and stopped hiding it about two years ago. I only mention it as it comes up, I don't feel the need to make a big deal about it, because it doesn't define me, it's just a small part that makes up who I am. I am so much more than my sexuality.

I have goals in life, and dreams. I hope that in the next four or so years I'll meet someone, settle down and get married. I hope to start a career, I want to do things, go places in life. I never considered the fact that I may have difficulties reaching for these dreams and goals because of the government, but with Trump/Pence winning the election, I'm starting to realize I may have been wrong. Trump has said he will consider appointing Supreme Court Justices that would undo marraige equality. Pence passed legislation is his state that allowed descrimination of LGBTQ+ people. A lot of the head honchos in the trump camp are extremely anti-LGBT. This tells me that even if I meet the man of my dreams in the next year or two, there's a change we won't be able to legally be married. It means I could start a career, and then one day be fired for the sole reason that I'm gay. It has also opened up the doors for people to be more vocally homophobic. I've already been called slurs and offensive words be people I thought liked and support me. It terrifies me to think about it.

So I can tell you first hand, the Trump presidency is scary. The people out protesting are just as scared if not more scared than I am. Instead of name calling, maybe we should reach out and try to understand each other, try to combat these fears, make sure they never become reality. We are so quick to judge and so slow to try to understand. Everyone has differenct concerns and fears, and they are all legit. We need to understand that, and understand each other. It saddens me to see people that care so little about their neighbor.

This leads to my last point, are all Trump supporters homophobic and racist? The easy answer is no. I've seen accusations thrown around, and fingers pointed. But people need to understand that when you were given two choices, both equally shitty, and you chose the one that puts peoples rights and well being in jeopardy, they are going to feel strongly about it. Anyone of my friends who voted for Trump, I can see why you did. I don't blame you, but I can tell you that it makes me feel as if my rights are expendable in your mind. It makes me feel as if you don't care about me, and other LGBT persons. It feels really awful. So when people blame you or call you racist or homophobic, we all know that you most likely aren't, but to a degree you do support it. The anger and dissapointment directed at you is legitamate. Just think about that please. I don't want to make you feel bad, I just want you to understand where people are coming from, and hopefully we can use this to combat any descrimination that may be brought up during this next presidency.

There's no telling what Trump will do, he may be the best president ever, he may treat LGBT people and minorities very well, but at this current state in time it looks to be the opposite, so please respect peoples' fears, and understand that they are real and legit. I've only hit on the fears and concerns I can share my insight on, I can't speak for women or minorities or anyone else who may feel scared by the new Pres. Just please think twice before calling someone out, think about where they might be coming from. Lets all understand each other so we can work towards one goal of not only making america great, but making the world a great place to live for everyone.

Thanks for reading, I hope it gives you a different look into some aspect of this voting season.
If any of you really need to reach me I'll be on facebook another day or two, then you can hit me up on instagram or snapchat, both @[name removed]. I love you all and appreciate everything that makes you all different and unique. embrace it.

Thats where the post ends, I actually just think I'll write a really shortened version of that, and link my facebook to this page if anyone wants to read the full thing


Monday, February 1, 2016

Baby Steps

Idk so here's two songs for all ya'll. (Second song has a long intro)


So my last post was about the awkwardness that was present at Christmas with my family, how like everyone avoided the Gay topic. Shoutout to my boy Evan for the comment (for real though, thank you) about how the awkwardness was just my parents not wanting to offend me, and me not having set a clear idea of what is ok and what isn't. Right before heading back to Provo, the opportunity presented itself to sit down and talk with my father. Quick preface, my dad is a convert, he converted at 20 years old, married me mum who is a lifeling member. My dad was in the military.. etc. So my dad is a lot more open minded and 'progressive' if you want to word it like that. So we started talking and I told him about how I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. And how I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life. Like shit, do I wanna be gay? Do I want to try to stick it out with the church and marry a woman... We had a real heart to heart and it was really nice. I explained how things felt awkward, and that I felt like any slightly gay topic was avoided like the plague, and he explained it was for two reason. First, my parents just weren't sure what they could or couldn't say that would or wouldn't offend me. I guess it makes sense that they don't want to offend me, but I want them to speak their minds and not hold back. I explained that to my dad and he was glad for the clarification. The other part to the awkwardness he admitted was my mothers discomfort on the subject. He told me that she still loved me and didn't think differently of me, but she was still trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I'm gay. We talked about a lot more shit, like who I should marry and what I should do with my life and it was great. It felt good to speak honestly to my dad, and to talk about being gay with him and not feeling bad about it and not sugar coating anything.

My mom called me a few days later and wanted to talk about the same kinda stuff, but as expected she didn't handle it well. She was trying to figure out what went wrong or what event or what could have influenced me as a kid to make me gay. I kinda just rolled with it and tried to explain that I've had gay feelings for as long as I could remember, but she just kept trying to pinpoint it to a single thing that would make me gay. Lol. Hopefully she'll come around soon enough. 

After talking to both of my parents the idea that I need to set the tone with my gayness came out. They basically said that the more casually I treat it, the more casually they'll treat it. I need to set the mood, so I can't be afraid to be gay and make gay comments around my family... It's kinda scary, but it needs to be done. Next time I'm at a family gathering I'll test the waters and let you know how it goes...

In other big news... I met a guy! He's and ex mormon who is new to the whole dating thing and what not, so we're kinda learning together. It's really cool though to be dating and to like, actually be into it, ya know? Like I actually care about dating this guy and I want to make a good impression and I'm really nervous and shit like damn it's fun but scary at the same time. It's really cool. We're going to have our first official date soon, but we've been texting like crazy and met a few times. I'm super stoked. When I would date girls I had no idea this is what real dating felt like damn it's fun.

Anywho that's enough for tonight.


Saturday, January 2, 2016

It's a New Year


Ok now onto the main stuff. It's 2016. Woo. I guess. I've never been into the whole "New year new me" type shit. If you really wanna change yourself, do it ASAP. Do it the minute you think about it. Don't wait for a "new year" to change your life. It's like every procrastinators wet dream. If something is really worth doing or changing, you won't put it off to the new year. I don't do resolutions. I do set goals for myself. Very loose though, just stuff that can't be done asap, but that I want to work on. I set the goals yearly, but mine for 2016 started back in November or so when I cam up with the idea. I want to become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality in public. I'm still hiding shit like I'm in the closet, but I'm not. I've stated that I don't give a shit if people know I'm gay anymore, but I don't act that way. So I want to start acting that way. Well, that's bad wording. I don't want to act like I don't give a shit, but I want to be more comfortable with it, and not hide it like I'm hiding a dead body or something. It's just something I've been trying to work on and will continue to focus on in 2016.

This whole thing goes along with the theme of being comfortable about being gay.

So after thanksgiving I've been a little on edge when it comes to family. I love them dearly, we all get along well and we all have a really good time, so I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was bothering me, until a night or two ago. Although I'm "out" to my family, they still treat it with much awkwardness. Whenever the subject of homosexuality comes up at all, my parents give me weird looks and I can tell they tiptoe around the subject. They don't treat me or the subject like they are understanding or caring. They treat it like it's best not to bring it up or discuss it, and I'm not sure if they treat it like that due to their own discomfort with it, or with the thought that I am gay, or if they think that I'm a pussy when it comes to my gayness and will be offended. I don't know why they do it, but it really fucking annoys me. When came out to them (and when I came out to me brother) I told them that they can talk to me about any part of it, or ask me any questions about it, and no matter how offensive or awkward they might think it would be, I wouldn't get upset of offended and would answer just about anything. Both times my parents and my brother had no questions and kinda shut down talking about it as fast as they could. So this leads me to believe they avoid the topic because of their own insecurities with it, and I don't know how to go about addressing them. but it annoys me because it's like they're secretly ashamed of me or ashamed for me, and feel the need to hide it even though I have no desire to hide it. I don't know how to go about resolving this problem, but it's really kinda pissed me off all holiday. I love my parents dearly but I really wish I could just talk to them about this shit casually, and not have to sit them down and have a serious conversation about it with them.

They don't ask about my dating life or anything that could even come close to talking about me being gay, they just avoid it all. My dad still talks about girls that would be perfect for me though (as if one could be) and shit like that. It's no big deal, but it irks me. The other night some hot af dude came on tv and someone made a comment questioning his attractiveness and I almost jumped in with a comment but backed off last second because I didn't know how it would be received. Another time my mom was writing a list on blank paper and her column wasn't perfectly vertical, and my brother made a comment like "can you please write straight?" and my mom replied "It is straight." and I was about to say "Really mom, that's about as straight as I am." But once again backed off because I don't feel like my parents want to talk about it. I don't know man, maybe I'm making a big deal outta this, maybe not, But it's been bothering me either way. I need to evaluate the situation, and maybe address it tomorrow? We'll see what happens.

Oh and fuck my hometown. I told that one girl i was gay, but my dude friend I didn't. It never came up or even came close to coming up in conversation so I left it alone. Other than that I feel terrified of my homosexuality here. Nobody is gay here and it's still heavily looked down upon, so even though it's not a big deal it's been kinda emotionally draining with it in the back of my head the whole time I've been here. I'm pretty ready to go back to Provo so I can be myself again.

Oh but Christmas rocked, it's been fun, I guess what I'm saying is even though everything's been fun and great, it hasn't been REAL. it's been faked, forced, and the conversation directed. My second Sunday I didn't want to go to church and my dad guilted me into it, and when I brought up not taking the sacrament (i'm still worthy, but I don't associate with the church much and don't feel the need to take it) He told me to just take the sacrament and that if I'm worthy I shouldn't even consider not taking it. It's almost like my parents are in denial and acting like everything is "normal."

All in all tho, good times at home. A little confusing, but I'm glad I came home. Hope ya'll had great holidays as well. As always, sorry things get a bit rambley, but I do what I want. Hope you all have a great 2016, and great 2017  and so on. I just hope ya'll do what makes you happy and do what you need to do without making excuses.  Seize the day motherfuckers.


Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Happy Holidays N Stuff

Idk no real point to this post, just haven't posted anything in a while and have some stuff to get out. It's Christmas time and I celebrate Christmas so here's a Christmas song. I'll post a non-holiday song as well.

So I can't remember what my last post was about. I do remember posting about how I was going to tell my brother in the coming weeks, well I did and it was really anti-climactic. I mean, We were just talking about life, he'd been pretty stressed and not feeling like himself so we were talking about all that kinda stuff, and we got down to it and it turns out he's known for a while. Someone I trusted had told him. It doesn't really bother me though, I just wish he would have told me he knows sooner so I didn't have to stress out about it for months and wonder how he was going to react. Turns out he was avoiding me too because he didn't necessarily want to have that talk, not because he has issues with it, but just because it's an awkward as fuck discussion, especially with your brother you've known for 21 years... It's just weird. We both could have been spared a lot of discomfort had I known he knew, but it's whatever. It's out, he knows, we're cool. Now I can honestly say that everyone important knows.

Anywho I'm back home for Christmas, and it's weird. I ]'m stoked to get out of Utah, but at the same time being 'home' doesn't feel like home. I've lived independently for so long, and lived in Utah for three years so being with my parents is nice, but it doesn't feel like home. The biggest issue here is that my hometown is really small. Everyone knows everyone and that sorta shit. Nobody here but my parents know I'm gay. Honestly the only 2 openly gay kids in my high school both had to transfer because they were bullied so badly. This place is a fucking mess of homophobia and bigotry. I don't mind telling people I'm gay anymore, but I don't really want my whole hometown knowing. Not because I'm scared, I couldn't give two shits what these assholes think of me, but because I'm done with this life and want to move on. I just feel like the stage of my life that took place here is over, and a new me was born, a gayer me, and I'm leaving confused, scared, old me in the past and in my hometown, and there is no need to try to introduce new me to a place that has so little to do with new me. Everyone here can remember me as the good normal kid I was.

At the same time, I went to sacrament meeting with my parents on Sunday. It was my first time at a church service in about 10 months. It was fine, I fucking love Christmas programs, but I honestly don't miss going to church at all. No part of me felt bad for not having been in months. The only problem was I could feel everyone thought differently of me. I'm 21, haven't gone on a mission, etc. etc. I can tell people at my home ward talk about me and stuff, you know like the basic church gossip like "Oh why didn't he go on a mission? What did he do to prevent him from serving?" And I kinda just want to be like "Yo mofos, I'm homo." or something. Does it matter tho? I don't care that they're talking about me, fuck dude I talk about people like that all the time, but I can't decide if I want people to know what's really happening, or if I should just leave them in the dark and let them think what they want. I can't decide how important it is to me that people know I'm gay.

I've always been the kind of person who thought being gay was no big deal, I figured it was just a characteristic that influenced who I was, but didn't define who I was. That's still true, but previously I've never felt the need to address it around people. However now I find myself wanting to tell people, even if it doesn't matter to them or matter that they know. How do I know who to tell and how to tell them without coming across like a needy bitch who wants attention? I really don't want attention, I really don't want to be like a vegan who has to bring it up every 8 seconds, but for some reason I feel myself wanting to tell people. I guess I just need to figure out it what point it matters to me that people know I'm gay.

I've hung out with some of the friends I had when I was in high school, and it's weird. I feel like a whole new, better person, but I regress to old confused scared me when I'm around them. The more I write this the more I realize that I need to realize that I'm a new person and I can't be afraid to introduce old friends to new me. This is why I still write on this blog. It helps me take a step back an look at myself differently and realize things I couldn't realize without writing. I did tell one of my old friends earlier today, but it was a lady so it was low-risk. I'm hanging out with my best guy friend from high school tomorrow, I need to not give fuck and if it arises, just tell him about new me. I'm not "into" him or anything so it doesn't matter, but dudes always react weird to finding out one of their friends is gay. Idk man. We'll see what happens.

Being in my hometown just reminds me of how scared and confused and fucked up I was in highschool. I'm so glad I was able to be honest with myself and figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I feel closer to my family than ever before, and I'm glad I'm out of the terrible part of life that was high school. I'm a newer, better, stronger person and I'm thankful for that everyday.

Merry Christmas ya'll (or happy holidays).


Monday, November 16, 2015

Story Time

Buckle up, it's story time.

Before we start, Branches is so hawt right now. Check it (wait for the horn, it's mad cash).

Sooooo, this week I had an "oh F---" moment.

Let me preface this story by saying that I got a new job a few months ago basically doing my hobby. Don't want to give to much away, but I love my job. There's a few catches though. All my coworkers but one are Mormon, and the current owner and one of my managers are HELLA Mormon, like shit we played one of the Saturday conference sessions on the customer tv, then closed early for the second session. anyway the Mormon stuff doesn't bother me I'm used to it, but make a note of it. Also due to politics with my job I don't want to get into, we're getting ready to move to a new manager who is 20 years old, which is one year younger than I am. It doesn't bother me, so it's no big deal, However his father is the Hella Mormon owner of the shop. Not a big deal but it contributes to the story.

Sooo to the story.

Sometimes when I feel the need I use tinder, usually with my preferences set to women only, just in case someone were to open the app on my phone, but occasionally when I'm feeling it I switch to dudes and take it seriously, but not too seriously because c'mon it's tinder lol. So anywho when I tind for ladies, it's just right swipes (like) as fast as possible, "stackin' mad chicks" as my friend puts it. So I had a friend over who just broke up with his girlfriend, and he is back on the tinder game, so I swapped to ladies and did my mad right swiping thing, and we were having a good laugh, making fake conversations with the bots on there and what not (Note: bots are the fake accounts trying to get users to go to pornsites). Anyway the friend eventually left. Before this instance I hadn't been on tinder in months, so after my friend left I got ready to go to bed, and got back on tinder, I swapped my preferences back to dudes and BAM! it's my soon to be manager. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What the fuck tho.

I don't know why but i got kinda messed up over seeing him on tinder? It was just awkward as hell yo I don't know why. So here's where shit escalates.

I freak the fuck out, I don't really want people at work knowing I'm gay because it doesn't matter at all. I don't want it to affect the way they treat me. So I rush and throw my preferences back to females praying that it won't show him my profile. But then I'm sitting there and start thinking about all the people (especially in provo) who view both men and women on tinder, and their bio usually says something like "not gay, just looking for friends" or some shit like that. I mean, my new manager does seem like the kinda kid who would do something like that so I swap my preference back to dudes and go on the hunt. Yo I tore through like 80 dudes before finding my manager again. Shit was intense. I open his profile and the first thing that catches my eye is "Prince Charming" and I'm thinking ok, he wants to be someones prince charming, not necessarily gay, but then I really read it and it says "just looking for my prince charming" and YOOOOOOO! damn that's some hella gay shit right there. The kick in the pants is that I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows. Maybe his close friends know, but I don't think his family knows and I know none of our coworkers (some of whom are his family) know. It's a lot of pressure. I don't want to fuck it up for him,

So here's the deal. I swapped back to ladies and haven't gone back. this happened about a week ago. that story got a little crazy because just thinking it brings back some intense feelings. Let me clear up any questions you may be asking now.

-Are these emotions because you like your boss?
No, I don't want to be rude but he's just not my type so that has nothing to do with the story.

-Why did you react in such a weird way, since you yourself are gay? It shouldn't be a big deal right?
No it shouldn't be a big deal, but it's not every day you find out your super Mormon boss is gay. I guess that just because I'm gay I still really haven't had to deal with other people that are close to me being gay, hence the over-reaction. It's not a big deal, but I guess I just don't know how to handle it like it's no big deal haha. I also just realized while typing this that a lot of my reaction comes from pressure I now feel to not give anything away. I don't think anyone close to him besides me and maybe some friends know. I don't want to fuck up and reveal he is gay or something.

-do you plan on doing anything about it?
Hell naw. I have been in that situation and I have deep respect for anyone in it. I know how tough it is, and it's not my place to act on it for you. He will do what he feels comfortable, tell who he feels comfortable, and do it in his own time. I don't want to do anything to affect that.

So yeah, that happened. now I'm sitting here, about to see this coworker at work tomorrow and I don't think he knows that I know he's gay. I guess the point of this story was just to get out a weird and shocking experience. I've actually only ever met one other gay person face to face, so now this coworker makes two? Makes you realize that anyone could be gay, no matter how straight they are....

But here's my real fear, now that I know my coworker/boss is gay and Mormon, he could be on here and could read this. If that's the case dude, talk to me. Just write "talk to me" on my to-do list at work or something. Or just call me a homo I don't care. But only do it if you want and are comfortable talking to me about it. If not, just act like you never read this, if you for some reason did read this.

NOTE: This whole story is a fucking mess. I'm going to go back over it tomorrow and clean it up but I gotta sleep.


Anyway that's the story. Thought it was share worthy. But on a more personal note, I usually say things like "everyone important knows" when talking about being in or out of the closet, but I realized that I still haven't told my brother. I've been chatting with my dad, and we kinda decided I just have to tell him and how he react is what it is (He's pretty mormon, got mad and super preachy when I didn't go on a mission. Told me I was going to hell for not actively asking the bishop for a calling, that kinda stuff). I set the gears in motion tonight to tell him, so it will happen in the next week or two. Wish me luck.

One last thing, I want to switch the title of my blog. I'm pretty inactive right now and don't want to give off the idea that I'm actively Mormon anymore. Would calling my blog something to do with "Provo Homo" seem insensitive? I honestly am not a politically correct person, but I don't want to offend anyone with the title of my blog. Living in provo and being a homo do come with complications and are the stem of a lot of my posts... Just let me know.

"Anyone could be gay, no matter how straight they are"
-Badger 2015


Saturday, November 7, 2015

Had to Vent

Song of the post:

So anyway I'm sure all of ya'll have been getting blasted by this whole new D. Todd Christofferson thingy on facebook about children of same sex couples and what not. I'm not here to talk about it or to tell people how to feel about it. I can say that it doesn't bother me, I think they have the right intentions and what not, but I was reading a lot of peoples' on my facebooks opinions, and holy shit some people are just stupid. There's the one group that's like "Oh the church hates innocent children just because their parents are the same gender" and then there's the other group that is like "Good, the church needs to be harsher and less supportive of homos" and what not. I dunno man, it just seems like the church doesn't want to come between parents and children by telling children that thier parents are sinners, at least until the child us old enough to fully understand the situation. Sounds Kosher to me?

That's not the point of this post. All the opinions have really got me thinking, which isn't good. I've come out to my parents and most friends and shit, but I'm still really fucking messed up when it comes to being gay and stuff. I'm stuck between really believing the church and feeling like shit, and thinking the church is total horseshit, and feeling scared. Let me break this down. I'm still living next to BYU, and almost everyone around me is mormon. I no longer attend church, and identify as inactive. I haven't renounced the church and don't intend to, nor do I intend to have my records removed from the church. Sometimes when talking to the people around me and talking about church, I still feel it. I still feel like it's the truest damn thing I ever heard, in which case I feel terrible for not going, and for not wanting to go to church. And then I start thinking about cute girls I could take on dates, and then I feel even shittier because I don't want to date or marry a woman... So over time my mentality switches to the exact opposite. I wonder why any sentient being would put me on a planet to experience life, and then limit the hell out of my experience under penalty of eternal unhappiness. (I guess telestial or terestrial isn't necessarily unhappiness, but I want that celestial shit yo). I don't understand how wanting to be in love, something that is considered one of the best and most necessary life experiences, could be taken and held off limits for me. This train of thinking makes me scared, because it makes me think "Is there a God, is there anything after death? What is the purpose?" and that shit is super scary to think about. I don't like it.

So I'm in this lose lose situation. And I'm so fucking tired of it, but I don't know how to go about fixing it. I know I can't have the security of religion with the happiness of being gay, but there's got to be something that will satisfy me. Usually I'm fine not thinking about any of this shit, but all these stupid posts on facebook got me thinking again and it's terrible. I don't care. At all. I had no idea so many of my mormon friends thought about homosexuality at all, or even cared about it, but suddenly every dumb motherfucker on facebook has an opinion. Why? A majority of them aren't even affected by it. I've never read so many bigoted comments from both sides of the spectrum.

I just don't know what to think or how to feel anymore. I just drown my feelings and thoughts in other activities, like sports, or now that it's cold outside, videogames. I feel like I'm not progressing or doing anything constructive, but fuck, at least I'm not thinking about how shitty of a situation I'm in. I don't really know the point of this post, I just had to vent. Sorry for the incoherent mess that is my thoughts. Time to go try to give myself diabetes from those delicious Costco cookies, and get some sleep. Hopefully this whole thing will blow over and I can get back to not worrying about it. I know that not worrying about it or even thinking about it may seem like a bad idea or a bad plan, but for now it's the only thing keeping me sane, so I'm going to ride this train till something drastic happens.