Saturday, November 7, 2015

Had to Vent

Song of the post:

So anyway I'm sure all of ya'll have been getting blasted by this whole new D. Todd Christofferson thingy on facebook about children of same sex couples and what not. I'm not here to talk about it or to tell people how to feel about it. I can say that it doesn't bother me, I think they have the right intentions and what not, but I was reading a lot of peoples' on my facebooks opinions, and holy shit some people are just stupid. There's the one group that's like "Oh the church hates innocent children just because their parents are the same gender" and then there's the other group that is like "Good, the church needs to be harsher and less supportive of homos" and what not. I dunno man, it just seems like the church doesn't want to come between parents and children by telling children that thier parents are sinners, at least until the child us old enough to fully understand the situation. Sounds Kosher to me?

That's not the point of this post. All the opinions have really got me thinking, which isn't good. I've come out to my parents and most friends and shit, but I'm still really fucking messed up when it comes to being gay and stuff. I'm stuck between really believing the church and feeling like shit, and thinking the church is total horseshit, and feeling scared. Let me break this down. I'm still living next to BYU, and almost everyone around me is mormon. I no longer attend church, and identify as inactive. I haven't renounced the church and don't intend to, nor do I intend to have my records removed from the church. Sometimes when talking to the people around me and talking about church, I still feel it. I still feel like it's the truest damn thing I ever heard, in which case I feel terrible for not going, and for not wanting to go to church. And then I start thinking about cute girls I could take on dates, and then I feel even shittier because I don't want to date or marry a woman... So over time my mentality switches to the exact opposite. I wonder why any sentient being would put me on a planet to experience life, and then limit the hell out of my experience under penalty of eternal unhappiness. (I guess telestial or terestrial isn't necessarily unhappiness, but I want that celestial shit yo). I don't understand how wanting to be in love, something that is considered one of the best and most necessary life experiences, could be taken and held off limits for me. This train of thinking makes me scared, because it makes me think "Is there a God, is there anything after death? What is the purpose?" and that shit is super scary to think about. I don't like it.

So I'm in this lose lose situation. And I'm so fucking tired of it, but I don't know how to go about fixing it. I know I can't have the security of religion with the happiness of being gay, but there's got to be something that will satisfy me. Usually I'm fine not thinking about any of this shit, but all these stupid posts on facebook got me thinking again and it's terrible. I don't care. At all. I had no idea so many of my mormon friends thought about homosexuality at all, or even cared about it, but suddenly every dumb motherfucker on facebook has an opinion. Why? A majority of them aren't even affected by it. I've never read so many bigoted comments from both sides of the spectrum.

I just don't know what to think or how to feel anymore. I just drown my feelings and thoughts in other activities, like sports, or now that it's cold outside, videogames. I feel like I'm not progressing or doing anything constructive, but fuck, at least I'm not thinking about how shitty of a situation I'm in. I don't really know the point of this post, I just had to vent. Sorry for the incoherent mess that is my thoughts. Time to go try to give myself diabetes from those delicious Costco cookies, and get some sleep. Hopefully this whole thing will blow over and I can get back to not worrying about it. I know that not worrying about it or even thinking about it may seem like a bad idea or a bad plan, but for now it's the only thing keeping me sane, so I'm going to ride this train till something drastic happens.


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