So I can't remember what my last post was about. I do remember posting about how I was going to tell my brother in the coming weeks, well I did and it was really anti-climactic. I mean, We were just talking about life, he'd been pretty stressed and not feeling like himself so we were talking about all that kinda stuff, and we got down to it and it turns out he's known for a while. Someone I trusted had told him. It doesn't really bother me though, I just wish he would have told me he knows sooner so I didn't have to stress out about it for months and wonder how he was going to react. Turns out he was avoiding me too because he didn't necessarily want to have that talk, not because he has issues with it, but just because it's an awkward as fuck discussion, especially with your brother you've known for 21 years... It's just weird. We both could have been spared a lot of discomfort had I known he knew, but it's whatever. It's out, he knows, we're cool. Now I can honestly say that everyone important knows.
Anywho I'm back home for Christmas, and it's weird. I ]'m stoked to get out of Utah, but at the same time being 'home' doesn't feel like home. I've lived independently for so long, and lived in Utah for three years so being with my parents is nice, but it doesn't feel like home. The biggest issue here is that my hometown is really small. Everyone knows everyone and that sorta shit. Nobody here but my parents know I'm gay. Honestly the only 2 openly gay kids in my high school both had to transfer because they were bullied so badly. This place is a fucking mess of homophobia and bigotry. I don't mind telling people I'm gay anymore, but I don't really want my whole hometown knowing. Not because I'm scared, I couldn't give two shits what these assholes think of me, but because I'm done with this life and want to move on. I just feel like the stage of my life that took place here is over, and a new me was born, a gayer me, and I'm leaving confused, scared, old me in the past and in my hometown, and there is no need to try to introduce new me to a place that has so little to do with new me. Everyone here can remember me as the good normal kid I was.
At the same time, I went to sacrament meeting with my parents on Sunday. It was my first time at a church service in about 10 months. It was fine, I fucking love Christmas programs, but I honestly don't miss going to church at all. No part of me felt bad for not having been in months. The only problem was I could feel everyone thought differently of me. I'm 21, haven't gone on a mission, etc. etc. I can tell people at my home ward talk about me and stuff, you know like the basic church gossip like "Oh why didn't he go on a mission? What did he do to prevent him from serving?" And I kinda just want to be like "Yo mofos, I'm homo." or something. Does it matter tho? I don't care that they're talking about me, fuck dude I talk about people like that all the time, but I can't decide if I want people to know what's really happening, or if I should just leave them in the dark and let them think what they want. I can't decide how important it is to me that people know I'm gay.
I've always been the kind of person who thought being gay was no big deal, I figured it was just a characteristic that influenced who I was, but didn't define who I was. That's still true, but previously I've never felt the need to address it around people. However now I find myself wanting to tell people, even if it doesn't matter to them or matter that they know. How do I know who to tell and how to tell them without coming across like a needy bitch who wants attention? I really don't want attention, I really don't want to be like a vegan who has to bring it up every 8 seconds, but for some reason I feel myself wanting to tell people. I guess I just need to figure out it what point it matters to me that people know I'm gay.
I've hung out with some of the friends I had when I was in high school, and it's weird. I feel like a whole new, better person, but I regress to old confused scared me when I'm around them. The more I write this the more I realize that I need to realize that I'm a new person and I can't be afraid to introduce old friends to new me. This is why I still write on this blog. It helps me take a step back an look at myself differently and realize things I couldn't realize without writing. I did tell one of my old friends earlier today, but it was a lady so it was low-risk. I'm hanging out with my best guy friend from high school tomorrow, I need to not give fuck and if it arises, just tell him about new me. I'm not "into" him or anything so it doesn't matter, but dudes always react weird to finding out one of their friends is gay. Idk man. We'll see what happens.
Being in my hometown just reminds me of how scared and confused and fucked up I was in highschool. I'm so glad I was able to be honest with myself and figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I feel closer to my family than ever before, and I'm glad I'm out of the terrible part of life that was high school. I'm a newer, better, stronger person and I'm thankful for that everyday.
Merry Christmas ya'll (or happy holidays).
Peace.
