Saturday, January 2, 2016
Ok now onto the main stuff. It's 2016. Woo. I guess. I've never been into the whole "New year new me" type shit. If you really wanna change yourself, do it ASAP. Do it the minute you think about it. Don't wait for a "new year" to change your life. It's like every procrastinators wet dream. If something is really worth doing or changing, you won't put it off to the new year. I don't do resolutions. I do set goals for myself. Very loose though, just stuff that can't be done asap, but that I want to work on. I set the goals yearly, but mine for 2016 started back in November or so when I cam up with the idea. I want to become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality in public. I'm still hiding shit like I'm in the closet, but I'm not. I've stated that I don't give a shit if people know I'm gay anymore, but I don't act that way. So I want to start acting that way. Well, that's bad wording. I don't want to act like I don't give a shit, but I want to be more comfortable with it, and not hide it like I'm hiding a dead body or something. It's just something I've been trying to work on and will continue to focus on in 2016.
This whole thing goes along with the theme of being comfortable about being gay.
So after thanksgiving I've been a little on edge when it comes to family. I love them dearly, we all get along well and we all have a really good time, so I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was bothering me, until a night or two ago. Although I'm "out" to my family, they still treat it with much awkwardness. Whenever the subject of homosexuality comes up at all, my parents give me weird looks and I can tell they tiptoe around the subject. They don't treat me or the subject like they are understanding or caring. They treat it like it's best not to bring it up or discuss it, and I'm not sure if they treat it like that due to their own discomfort with it, or with the thought that I am gay, or if they think that I'm a pussy when it comes to my gayness and will be offended. I don't know why they do it, but it really fucking annoys me. When came out to them (and when I came out to me brother) I told them that they can talk to me about any part of it, or ask me any questions about it, and no matter how offensive or awkward they might think it would be, I wouldn't get upset of offended and would answer just about anything. Both times my parents and my brother had no questions and kinda shut down talking about it as fast as they could. So this leads me to believe they avoid the topic because of their own insecurities with it, and I don't know how to go about addressing them. but it annoys me because it's like they're secretly ashamed of me or ashamed for me, and feel the need to hide it even though I have no desire to hide it. I don't know how to go about resolving this problem, but it's really kinda pissed me off all holiday. I love my parents dearly but I really wish I could just talk to them about this shit casually, and not have to sit them down and have a serious conversation about it with them.
They don't ask about my dating life or anything that could even come close to talking about me being gay, they just avoid it all. My dad still talks about girls that would be perfect for me though (as if one could be) and shit like that. It's no big deal, but it irks me. The other night some hot af dude came on tv and someone made a comment questioning his attractiveness and I almost jumped in with a comment but backed off last second because I didn't know how it would be received. Another time my mom was writing a list on blank paper and her column wasn't perfectly vertical, and my brother made a comment like "can you please write straight?" and my mom replied "It is straight." and I was about to say "Really mom, that's about as straight as I am." But once again backed off because I don't feel like my parents want to talk about it. I don't know man, maybe I'm making a big deal outta this, maybe not, But it's been bothering me either way. I need to evaluate the situation, and maybe address it tomorrow? We'll see what happens.
Oh and fuck my hometown. I told that one girl i was gay, but my dude friend I didn't. It never came up or even came close to coming up in conversation so I left it alone. Other than that I feel terrified of my homosexuality here. Nobody is gay here and it's still heavily looked down upon, so even though it's not a big deal it's been kinda emotionally draining with it in the back of my head the whole time I've been here. I'm pretty ready to go back to Provo so I can be myself again.
Oh but Christmas rocked, it's been fun, I guess what I'm saying is even though everything's been fun and great, it hasn't been REAL. it's been faked, forced, and the conversation directed. My second Sunday I didn't want to go to church and my dad guilted me into it, and when I brought up not taking the sacrament (i'm still worthy, but I don't associate with the church much and don't feel the need to take it) He told me to just take the sacrament and that if I'm worthy I shouldn't even consider not taking it. It's almost like my parents are in denial and acting like everything is "normal."
All in all tho, good times at home. A little confusing, but I'm glad I came home. Hope ya'll had great holidays as well. As always, sorry things get a bit rambley, but I do what I want. Hope you all have a great 2016, and great 2017 and so on. I just hope ya'll do what makes you happy and do what you need to do without making excuses. Seize the day motherfuckers.