Twas the Night After Christmas

My parents are super into my brothers dating life, like I went somewhere alone with my parents today and they asked a lot about my brother and his dating and stuff, and nothing about me. I wonder if they have an idea that I may be gay. Eh whatever....

Anywho hope all ya'll had a great Christmas. I got some neat stuff I'm really blessed to have such a great family because we been having some dope ass family time. It's weird tho because the girl I took to prom senior year is getting married tomorrow... Just makes me look at my life and where I am right now. I've determined I don't care. Much like I have determined about a lot of stuff in my life. Sorry for the few incoherent thoughts to start this post out.

Anyway I think it's about time to talk about the tinder story. First off since I first mentioned the tinder story I have gone back to women only on tinder, and stopped using it altogether. Here's the what went down to this point. It's still not 100% resolved.

So when I tind I usually swipe right to everyone (when on females only, mostly due to the fact that once again I don't care). But once I added dudes I was super careful and picky. I swiped right to like 1 out of every 50+ dudes at best. I matched with most people I said yes too. One of them however looked really familiar and attractive... (One issue is that since I've repressed my gay feelings all my life I don't know how to verbalize how I feel about guys, so attractive is my go to word). Anyway we matched and then didn't talk, and I saw him the next day on BYU campus in the Chemistry building. It was weird, I think he recognized me but I wasn't sure and I was only like 75% it was really him. Anyway I messaged him the next day and we talked a bit. He said he was going to UVU studying economics. I was thought it wasn't the kid I saw on campus, and kept talking. I mentioned I went to BYU and he asked what a guy from BYU was doing tinding for men. I made some really ambiguous replies without saying anything outright. He eventually asked if I was attracted to men. I replied it would appear that way, and then he quit messaging me, I assumed he went to bed.

I then began thinking about the kid I saw on campus, and how I really thought they were the same person, and if that kid lied about going to UVU and really went to BYU, and he knows I'm gay, what could happen.. So I had to find out. Using my l337 hacking skillz (facebook person finder, add their first name and shared interests from tinder) I found him on facebook (took 2 minutes.... It's kinda scary how easy it is to find people on the internet in this day and age). Anyway his profile straight up said BYU and one picture was of an O-Chem book. So he was lying about school and major. Turns out we have tons of other shit in common, like music taste and what not. Either way after finding him I went to bed and in the morning he had unmatched us.

My first reaction was to freak out. He was obviously just trying to find gay byu students on tinder to out them. I thought I'd go to school and my picture would be all over with homosexual written on it. I went to campus and found everything normal. So I began thinking about it more. I mean, who would use their personal facebook account to go on gay tinder unless they were actually gay, like nobody would risk getting caught unless they are really gay. Like that's not something people do as a joke. So i thought about when I first "came out" to my bishop and my friend, and I actually remember going on gay tinder once before. I matched with the first dude I swiped right to, he said "what's up" and I thought to myself "Oh shit this cant be happening this is too real holy fuck what do I do?" and freaked out and blocked him and went back to women only tinder. I figure maybe he did something similar, and began thinking about reaching out to him.

Now the day after he Unmatched us I went to bed late (2am ish) and got on the app Yik-Yak before hitting the hay. One of the top Yaks was something about choosing a busy medical career so not dating wouldn't be suspicious to his parents so he wouldn't have to come out to them. Remembering the Ochem textbook, I have 4 friends that have/are taking Ochem and all of them are pre-med, so there's a potential it was the kid I matched on tinder.

Going back to my first time hitting up gay tinder, After I freaked out and reverted to straight tinder, I resorted to anonymous secret telling apps to "come out" more... Something about saying I was gay online helped me feel better.

With this information I have a story of what might have happened. Kid gets home from his mission and addresses his gay thoughts. He might have even gone on his mission to try to get rid of said thoughts. Anyway he gets home and realizes he needs to address them. He gets brave and ventures onto gay tinder, still 100% in the closet. He matches a few people, learns one of them also goes to byu, freaks out at the chance of being recognized as a homo on campus, blocks him, then resorts to anonymous secret telling apps to find solace. Sounds a lot like what I did (minus the mission part)....

Now If that story is correct or even partially correct, the best thing for this kid is to have someone to talk to. Finding a friend to share my gay thoughts with is the only thing that kept me sane at first. Hell the only point of this stupid fucking blog is to vent my gay frustrations. Anyway part of me really wants to reach out to this kid and be like "yo if you wanna talk about things I got you" but doing that on facebook would be creepy? wouldn't it? He works in the library on campus so I see him around quite often, so slipping him a note might work? The real complication is that we met on tinder, and I don't want him thinking I want his dick or anything. If he's uncomfortable with it dating is 100% off the table, I don't care. I just think it would be cool to have someone at BYU who is going through the exact same thing as me to talk to, and like how hard it is and how much it really sucks to be gay at BYU, Plus if the story is true a person to talk to could really help him out, but I'm afraid if I reach out he'll shoot me down for fear of being "outed" or that I wanna date him or something hella gay like that. Ya feel me? Like I'm a chill person who doesn't care about much, so if he just want an unbiased acquaintance to talk to, I'm there, I'm chill with whatever and won't be trying to do anything freaky ya know. but due to the connotations attached to tinder I fear he will assume the worst and not want any part of it.

So I have a note written up in my wallet ready to hand to him if I ever catch him alone (fool is always talking to people at work so it's hard to catch him at work), but part of me is thinks if I write out a Facebook message well enough it won't be too creepy. Idk that's where the tinder story stands. I was hoping to drop the note before i left for break but I was too damn busy so now I'm here. Comment thoughts and opinions or some shit, really I don't care too much I'll do what I think is best.

On a hella more gay note I got cow patterned onsie pajamas for xmas that are hella gay but I love them. Hahaha so gay. All the homo.
EDIT: just noticed I mentioned these Pjs my last post. That's how much homo.

And here's a funny picture to end on a good note. Plus it's tinder related.



Peace.

Murry Crimmus

It's that day of the year! Merry Christmas! I gotta sleep so Santa can drop off my presents, so this will be quick. I sent said friend an email explaining where I am and whats up (will post later). He read it the morning after I posted my last entry, and he texted me saying everything was good and it won't change anything. I did notice he quit saying gay and homo though, which is kinda sad because it was hilarious when he would. But really it's really good. When i see him in person again I'll talk to him more about it (we haven't talked about my personal stuff other than the few texts and emails) which will be nice, because it's hard over text. Reaction was good though so I'm happy. Plus i got a dope ass cow patterned footie pjs (early christmas) that I'm wearing right now and I'm comfy AF. They're kinda gay tho hahaha, but I guess if the shoe fits.....

Best Christmas Music ever you're welcome

Peace on earth, good will towards men

Well Damn....

Wanted to title this with the F word but I'm trying to be more appropriate haha. Anyway so I told said friend via text. We were actually in an online chat, and I told him I had something to tell him as he logged off, so he texted me and told him to say what it was.

When it comes to this friend I had two idea of how he would react. Reaction A would be to be disgusted/pissed and not reply/get angry. Reaction B would be to not care at all (Omg options are care or not care... surprise!) and feel a little bad (he does say fag and gay and homo in a derogatory way quite a lot). I was seriously praying for reaction B, but I'm at the point where I've heard this a lot:
"IF people can't accept you as gay, then they aren't a real friend anyway and you don't need them" so I just kinda yoloed and was like if reaction A happens it's all good.

Anywho reaction B was the initial reaction thank goodness. Here's my take on it though... I feel bad that he feels bad about it. Being that I don't really care about anything anymore, I don't give a shit what words people use or how people live their lives. As long as nobody is directly attacking me I'm okay. Plus when said friend uses gay and fag in a negative way, I know he doesn't actually mean they are homosexual. They're kinda like mormon swear words, they just mean they don't like the person. So I really don't care that anyone uses those words, hell I even use gay all the time (meaning stupid) and fag (meaning asshole more than anything) so it's not a big deal to me.

Here's the gay thing, my stupid homo brain (from a TV show) decided to tell him at like fucking 2 in the morning, so he went to bed before we could really discuss it. the initial reaction was 100% solid, but I like to talk about this shit when I tell people so that they can get a solid guage as to how I am the was I am and I can sway them into not being bothered by my love of men. I don'd want people I tell overthinking it because I couldn't clear everything up for them, and then treat me funny. It doesn't affect our friendship at all ya know.

Anywho I'll report tomorrow what happens I guess. here's the youtube video for "my stupid homo brain." I probably shouldn't use that phrase as much as I do haha.

Peace

I'm not a clever man...

And I can't think of proper titles for my entries but deal with it. Anywho I'm at a stage with a friend where we have been hanging out a lot lately, and sometimes talk of girls comes up and it's like I feel like we're close enough that I could tell him that maybe I don't really care about girls (I don't mind listening to him talk about girls, but I don't like having to make stuff up and be like 'oh yeah she's hot' because frankly I don't care or think that). Anywho it just sucks like this friend I have had for a while might suddenly flop and not like me or treat me different. We hang out alone a lot so it might make things awkward even though it shouldn't. I wish there was an easy way to tell people and not have it be awkward, like a greeting card type thing that's like 'Yo lil nigga I'm gay' and people get it and they're like 'oh okay cool wanna get some ice cream?' But instead it's a lot of questions and clarification, you gotta go through the whole 'I'm not attracted to you, but not because you aren't attractive but because we're friends' type of deal and it's just a hassle. So I'm thinking about doing it over text while we're on winter break so he can digest it and think about it while we're apart, but at the same time I feel like it's something that should be done face to face. It really just sucks. I'll figure it out... If anyone reads this before I let you know what happens, leave me a comment on if it's weird to come out over text/phone call, or if it's not a big deal. Is doing it in person always better?

On a less gay note, I got raped by finals. yay. But they're over right? found this picture that was titles "finals week"



Peace

Quickie

Don't read too much into the title haha. Had a good day today, got a lot done on my big project, got some hw done last night, and I calculated days, and technically Monday was Gay day. I told my bishop on the 8th of December, 2013... Also, if you've never heard of Lord Huron and you like chill ass indie music, check them out. Dope stuff.

anywho I know I promised the Gay tinder story this time, but I have a shorter idea because I still have some homework to get done, and Gay tinder is going to take a long time to write, and it's still developing, like I'm in the middle of some shit I should likely resolve before delving into that story.

I wanted to talk about my swearing. I get a shit-ton of dirty looks here at BYU for it, but it's like yolo I do what I want. Basically one summer my family took a trip down to San Diego (I lived there quite some time) from Nevada to visit old friends and stuff. This was either the summer before 7th grade, or the one before 8th grade (Junior High bby!). Anywho my dad had a military shindig so we stayed out in the hotel on North Island on the base, which was like 100 feet from the beach. Being beach lovers me and my brother were out there constantly. At one point me mum was in the hotel and my bro and I were alone on the beach. He asked me if I ever swore, and I was like "yeah when I get really mad I'll think like the A word or something." He asked if I was being for real, then admitted he swore like a sailor when he was alone.

He told me he asked our home ward bishop why swearing was a sin. The bishop replied that it was the offence intended in the word that was the sin, not the word itself. So my brother proposed the idea that if I wasn't offended and he wasn't offended, swearing to each other wasn't a sin. My want to be cool and edgy overtook me, and I said "Fuck" out loud for the first time ever that day. Shit got a bit wild after that, some gnarly swearing storms to each other (always out of fun, not anger or anything cuz that was a sin). We eventually got over the initial excitement of swearing, and things mellowed out.

some time later my bro asked me if I swore in front of people. I admitted to using not bad bad words like piss and hell and fag (I had no idea what it meant at the time lol) but never anything BAD or anything. I did swear like a sailor in private, but not to other people. About freshman year of highschool, I made a mormon friend who swore pretty heavily. I always avoided it, but it I was never bothered by it so we got along really well. Here's where things get a little weird.

I now know the cause of this, but I started feeling bad, and gross, and almost unworthy in the eyes of the church for a while. The weird thing was I had no reason at all to feel like that. Sure I was a punk, but I never did anything bad. At this point in highschool I was hanging out with mormons mostly, or other good kids, and avoided trouble at all costs. So why did I feel bad? It didn't feel right, so I began swearing in front of my friends (them only, nobody else was to know) to almost give myself a reason to feel bad. As the years went on, the feelings got worse, and my swearing grew. I began including the F word in my everyday speech, I quit watching what I said in front of other people, I was really only careful around mormons, because I didn't want anyone telling me mum haha. By senior year though I had quit caring altogether, and was swearing in front of mormon teachers who were on the high council with my dad. Crazy stuff.

I made one other mormon friend who swore with me, but lost my original swearing mormon friend. Other than that I hung out with non-mormons, but still good kids. I'm still great friends with a few highschool kids, but I quit hanging out with mormons altogether in highschool because of this unworthy feeling.

I now know that feeling was my gay thoughts and stuff. They were always there, and they made me feel unworthy, inadequate, and dirty. I legitimately hated myself for a majority of highschool and had no idea why. I really think that if I hadn't gown up thinking that being gay was the root of all evil, I may have never picked up such an awful swearing habit. Now I embrace it, and use it to filter out all the obnoxious mormons at school. I ditched the F word at BYU (except around close friends, and after failing a test in the testing center), but it keeps all the insane mormons out. I've found a lot of good friends who embrace me swearing and all. The next question is can they handle my love of the man? That's what I'm sitting at now haha.

Favorite F word at BYU was defo in the testing center. I walked out feeling good, and saw a 56% on the screen, and shook my head, chuckled, and in a normal non-whisper said "Fuck it"

I thought I was going to have holy water thrown on me after that haha. People in general need to relax and accept people for who they are, not judge them on every little thing they do wrong. If all people would chill and be non-judgmental I wouldn't have to worry about telling people I'm gay, but that's a rant for another time.

I know I said this would be quick, and it looks long, but I'm a pretty quick typer so it actually was pretty quick for me, plus it's a lot shorter than the Tinder story would have been.

here's a funny picture that relates to how I felt when I first started swearing with my brother that summer day on the beach....

PS I'm likely going to make this blog public soon. We'll see what happens. We'll see what kinda response a swearing gay mormon gets.

Peace.

Happy Gay Day

Lol that title is super gay, but I guess I find it fitting. This will be a short entry tonight due to the fact that I stayed up too late already doing HW so I really need to get to bed, but I feel this is important. I know I'm writing this Monday morning technically, but I still count it Sunday beacuse I haven't fallen asleep yet, so I'm still saying that today marks one full year of "being out" if you know what I'm saying. I told my first person ever (my bishop, relate to my last post for that story) a year ago today. It feels like a big day for me haha, even though it's really a janky Sunday. I know the date isn't the same as the day I "came out" but it was this exact Sunday last year that I did the unthinkable. I was the weekend after Thanksgiving weekend, so it's a big weekend for me. I guess this means tomorrow or Tuesday is the year anniversary of the day I told my first person besides my bishop, which I guess would be real Gay Day since I don't really count my bishop as "coming out" since it was really only for myself that I told him and he never really addressed it besides like 2 sentences. I'll  celebrate harder tomorrow hopefully haha. Oh well off to bed. I got some shit going on with gay tinder but it can wait haha. It's a good story so if my next blog is posted when you read this, get some popcorn cooking.

Peace.

Day 2

Well I got a lot on my chest so deal with it I'm posting 2 days in a row. Yolo or something like that right?

Last night was a mess haha, I was beyond tired and had work in the morning and a fair amount of homework. Now most of the homework is done, and I finally have time to relax. I got some bigass projects due soon but I can only work on them on campus so it's kinda nice because I get home and can just relax. Good stuff mang. Anywho I'll likely be on campus all night tomorrow so I'm just chillen tonight because I know I won't be able to tomorrow.

So anyway here's the skinny. I gotta preface this by saying yeah, I'm mormon, like for real. Go to church every week and all that jazz, but I do have a decently foul mouth I know. This is my blog, so deal with it. Having a foul mouth doesn't mean I'm a bad mormon or that I don't believe the church. I'll explain how it started another day, but please just realize that swearing doesn't mean I'm a bad mormon or bad person. Yesterday I mentioned telling a full story about coming to acknowledge the fact that I might not be straight, so why not right now?

My Senior year of highschool, deep in the repressing stages of my feelings, I really started noticing feelings towards a male classmate, and was kinda like "shit yo what's happening like I can't still be feeling like this these feelings should be gone by now damn get me outta here" Like it really was that frantic. Anywho I managed to repress those feelings as well, but it planted the idea in my head. Then freshman year more confusion arose, and about winter time I was just like damn, I think I might be gay. But at the same time I was like "Yo, I hate shopping, I hate fashion, I hate all the stereotypical 'gay' stuff, so what's really going on here?" One night I decided to figure it out. I went to bed an hour or so early, and just laid there and thought to myself "what do I want out of life (relationship wise), who am I (was I covering parts of my personality when I was in my repressing faze?)?" and other deep question like this. However before hand I promised myself I would be honest with myself, and be okay with what ever I decided. No more parents telling me anything is bad or good or the way things are supposed to be, just me, and myself. Nobody had to know what happened in my thoughts that night. After a few hours of thinking and hashing things out to myself, I was able to admit my attraction towards men was legit, like I couldn't deny it anymore no matter how much I wanted to.

I've always hated labels, but had you asked me at the time to label myself it likely would have been Bi. I still wasn't able to let go of what I was supposed to be, but I opened up to myself and my real feelings. This was about the same time a mission was coming into the picture, so I promised myself that I would get things "cleared up" before I left. I was able to keep the parents at bay in the mission department, but my sophomore year I wasn't so lucky. We had a big talk, and my father being the more rational one just asked that I fill out my papers. I didn't need to actually submit them, just fill them out. So I started the process. I had a meeting with my bishop, and was like "yo this is it, drop the bombshell right now, just walk in there and be like 'Yo bish I like the dude, I'm a fan of the man' you got this." but of course, guess who pussied out? Yours truly. At this point I was about to explode like I just had to tell someone. I was tired of bottling a secret up for years and years and just had to let it out. I was seriously suffering. Half the time I was googling things about how the LDS church receives and deals with gays and stuff that I could barely study. So I tried to schedule my next bishops meeting ASAP, but of course it was like 3 weeks out.

I waited patiently, and the day finally came. I was mad nervous, like the kinda nerves that make your tummy feel funny. I went in and sat with the bishop and I was like sweating in the middle of December and I was borderline nauseous. The meeting was standard, and it was coming to a close, and I remember thinking "you gotta do this or you'll never forgive yourself." Being an action sports junky I use this to get myself to do scary stunts all the time, and it worked this time as well. My bishop said "I think we're all done here, do you have any additional concerns?" and before I could think I managed to get out and "umm acutally... yeah..." My bishop asked what it was, and then came one of the most painful silences ever, followed by an even more painful mumbling by me where I was trying my hardest to avoid saying what I needed to. It was like "uhm.. yeah... well I uh.... I uh.. don't really know how to say this... uhh... So I guess... I uhh guess that I uhhh... will just say it?" Which led to a shorter silence. I had never said anything about this out loud to another person before, and took a lot of mental power to force it out, but I just said "I think that right now, I feel more attracted to men than women.." Holy damn brah like the peace I felt after that can rarely be matched. It was finally out. My issue... my secret was out and another person knew it. I was still a bit nervous for my bishops response, but it was out and I already felt a ton of relief. My bishop thought about what I said for a minute, and then quietly said "well I can tell you that you aren't alone..." and at first I was like "hell yeah there's other homo dudes at BYU like gimme their numbers" but I quickly realized this had other connotations as well.

You might think it's odd to say that "coming out" can be a spiritual experience, but it was. I felt warm, I felt loved, I felt like this big issue I had stressed countless hours about and hated myself for, wasn't a big deal and that Heavenly Father loved me no matter what.

A shot talk with my bishop later I was walking back to my truck with the biggest smile on my face. I had never felt so at peace with myself, with my mind and with my feelings and thoughts. I finally felt okay with myself. It was amazing. There was a fresh layer of snow on the ground, everything felt peaceful and happy. I was floating on the clouds. It really was an experience I'll never forget.

The next day I was chilling with a really good friend who was taking the lessons for the first time and at the point where he was really considering baptism. I had mentioned that I had something I needed to talk to my bishop about (not a sin or anything) that concerned my life and going on a mission. We were hanging out, I was eating all of his cool ranch doritos and we were playing some league of legends (it's what I was doing to keep my mind of my gay thoughts) and he asked how my meeting with the bishop went. I told him how good it felt and everything, and he had to know what it was. I said that I wouldn't tell him what it was about, but if he guessed it I wouldn't deny it.

He quickly started off with "you're physically healthy right? You're shoulder is okay and everything (multiple shoulder injuries and surgery all in one year were still bothering me a bit at that point)" to which I replied yeah I'm physically fine." to which he kept rambling on "you still believe the church, you haven't sinned, you're not gay.... you aren't-"At that point I threw up the classic wobbly hand (as to say 'so-so' with you hand) and dropped a quite "eh?" My friend gasped and was like "no way!" I quickly explained gay wasn't the word I'd use, but I explained where I was. He was totally understanding and we had the first of many great talks about it. It was a great week for me.

It's hard to explain to people that don't live with a secret or a burden for that long just hoe it feels to come clean about it and tell someone. Not only that, but I hated myself and thought I was a bad person for these thoughts and feelings I had and was trying to repress/run from. It really felt like someone took a physical burden from me. I've never felt so light and happy in my life. I did have a weird phase shortly after where I felt hellllla gay. Like I'd walk on campus and someone would look at me and I'd be like "shit he knows!" and duck away quickly. In all truth he was likely looking at me funny because I was ducking away quickly from him haha, but it was great. This time was quickly followed by a darker time, but I'll get into that later.

I now love the winter (early winter) because it brings back remnants of those light and happy and peaceful feelings. I just wanted to talk about how it felt to not hold my "secret" all to myself anymore, and how "coming out" actually turned out to be a spiritual and great experience. I should probably hit the hay now though, gotta work on me projects tomorrow. I'll leave you with this .Gif that makes me laugh, even though it really kind of explains what it's like trying to hide from your own feelings n shit.


Peace

I'm tired and it's late and I need to get this out.

          First off, posting as Badger because holy hell those little guys are cute. Second, it's late, I have homework and I need to get some shit off my chest to help me calm down. I'm not writing this for anyone other than myself just to vent and clear my mind and help myself focus on finals a bit more haha. Anyway, basically all you need to know to understand this blog is that first, I'm a Mormon. I really like the religion and agree with the doctrine, but there's one small issue. I'm pretty sure I'm gay. That complicates everything because being gay and Mormon mix about as well as some newborn babies and a raging bull in a confined space. It's going to get ugly. So here's the deal:
           I'm surrounded by religious people that stereotype the hell out of gay people, so I can't really come out to anyone other than the 2 friends I already have. And when I did come out to those friends I avoided the word "gay" to avoid any negative stereotypes associated with that word (I hate shopping, have terrible sense in fashion, and I'm not femme at all). It just boggles my mind that people hear a word and change their perceptions of a person just based on that one word. I am who I am and that's not going to change at all, I haven't been acting to fool anyone into thinking I'm someone I'm not, there's just a small piece of information that most people don't know that doesn't change anything about me, but if people found out that one slice of info they would treat me as a whole different person. I can't understand it.
           The other general rant on this stuff I need to get out right now is people claiming it's a choice. Like that mindset really screwed me up. All my life I was raised thinking it was a choice, so when I was 14 or 15 and really started having "gay" thoughts I'd just be like "eww I choose to not like that" and I repressed all my feelings and by the time I hit college I had never been in any sort of relationship and had no idea what I wanted out of one or anything. I was confused plain and simple. The thoughts and feelings never went away, and had I addressed them earlier I feel like I would be in a better place as far as this goes right now. So I can tell you that it's not a choice. The other really good thing I learned to discuss this mindset with people (sorry it's late and me no grammar well when tired) is to make them try to change what they are attracted to. I have a very homophobic friend who I was discussing the topic with. I told him I had a different friend come out to me recently and I didn't know how to feel about it (testing the water with my real friend). He went off on how it's disgusting and he could never be friends with a gay person. I asked if he thought it was a choice or not. He said hell yeah it's a choice hence why it's so terrible and nasty. So I asked him if he was attracted to fat chicks. He said no ew that's gross (apparently fat chicks and gays are on a similar level with him) so I told him that if attraction is a choice, to be attracted to fat chicks. Let's just say he was done talking about it real fast after that. But really if you're somehow reading this, think about a group of people from the gender you are attracted to (maybe you like fat chicks but aren't into emo chicks, so think of emo chicks) and try your hardest to be attracted to them. Like sincerely attracted. I'm sure some people can do it, but really, are you really attracted to them?
          Now here's the real deal. I want to be in a relationship, and dating women (the few times I've tried) has turned no results, so today, I took the gender filter off Tinder. I've already matched a few guys, and for the first time I'm like actually into tinder. Like I've matched tons of ladies and I'm just like "eh whatever." But now I'm actually excited and stuff like I want to talk to people on there and see where it goes, and this terrifies me. Like truly terrifies me. I don't know what to do. I'll tell this story later, but I've only really addressed the fact that I might be gay like a year ago (told my first person this time last year). I don't know what I'm doing. But for once I feel excited about relationships and things of that nature. At the same time I terrified about what might happen due to conflicts with being Mormon. So I feel incredibly excited, but at the same time I feel kinda dirty and gross. I don't know what to do with myself. I've used anonymous apps to ask other members of the church, and all the gay ones have since left the church, and all the straight people I ask tell me to suck it up and not act on my feelings. Why can't there be middle ground? This is where my internal conflict lies. I guess only time can tell. The unease I felt in my stomach before writing this is dying down, so I'm going to go get some homework done hopefully.

Peace.