Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I'm tired and it's late and I need to get this out.

          First off, posting as Badger because holy hell those little guys are cute. Second, it's late, I have homework and I need to get some shit off my chest to help me calm down. I'm not writing this for anyone other than myself just to vent and clear my mind and help myself focus on finals a bit more haha. Anyway, basically all you need to know to understand this blog is that first, I'm a Mormon. I really like the religion and agree with the doctrine, but there's one small issue. I'm pretty sure I'm gay. That complicates everything because being gay and Mormon mix about as well as some newborn babies and a raging bull in a confined space. It's going to get ugly. So here's the deal:
           I'm surrounded by religious people that stereotype the hell out of gay people, so I can't really come out to anyone other than the 2 friends I already have. And when I did come out to those friends I avoided the word "gay" to avoid any negative stereotypes associated with that word (I hate shopping, have terrible sense in fashion, and I'm not femme at all). It just boggles my mind that people hear a word and change their perceptions of a person just based on that one word. I am who I am and that's not going to change at all, I haven't been acting to fool anyone into thinking I'm someone I'm not, there's just a small piece of information that most people don't know that doesn't change anything about me, but if people found out that one slice of info they would treat me as a whole different person. I can't understand it.
           The other general rant on this stuff I need to get out right now is people claiming it's a choice. Like that mindset really screwed me up. All my life I was raised thinking it was a choice, so when I was 14 or 15 and really started having "gay" thoughts I'd just be like "eww I choose to not like that" and I repressed all my feelings and by the time I hit college I had never been in any sort of relationship and had no idea what I wanted out of one or anything. I was confused plain and simple. The thoughts and feelings never went away, and had I addressed them earlier I feel like I would be in a better place as far as this goes right now. So I can tell you that it's not a choice. The other really good thing I learned to discuss this mindset with people (sorry it's late and me no grammar well when tired) is to make them try to change what they are attracted to. I have a very homophobic friend who I was discussing the topic with. I told him I had a different friend come out to me recently and I didn't know how to feel about it (testing the water with my real friend). He went off on how it's disgusting and he could never be friends with a gay person. I asked if he thought it was a choice or not. He said hell yeah it's a choice hence why it's so terrible and nasty. So I asked him if he was attracted to fat chicks. He said no ew that's gross (apparently fat chicks and gays are on a similar level with him) so I told him that if attraction is a choice, to be attracted to fat chicks. Let's just say he was done talking about it real fast after that. But really if you're somehow reading this, think about a group of people from the gender you are attracted to (maybe you like fat chicks but aren't into emo chicks, so think of emo chicks) and try your hardest to be attracted to them. Like sincerely attracted. I'm sure some people can do it, but really, are you really attracted to them?
          Now here's the real deal. I want to be in a relationship, and dating women (the few times I've tried) has turned no results, so today, I took the gender filter off Tinder. I've already matched a few guys, and for the first time I'm like actually into tinder. Like I've matched tons of ladies and I'm just like "eh whatever." But now I'm actually excited and stuff like I want to talk to people on there and see where it goes, and this terrifies me. Like truly terrifies me. I don't know what to do. I'll tell this story later, but I've only really addressed the fact that I might be gay like a year ago (told my first person this time last year). I don't know what I'm doing. But for once I feel excited about relationships and things of that nature. At the same time I terrified about what might happen due to conflicts with being Mormon. So I feel incredibly excited, but at the same time I feel kinda dirty and gross. I don't know what to do with myself. I've used anonymous apps to ask other members of the church, and all the gay ones have since left the church, and all the straight people I ask tell me to suck it up and not act on my feelings. Why can't there be middle ground? This is where my internal conflict lies. I guess only time can tell. The unease I felt in my stomach before writing this is dying down, so I'm going to go get some homework done hopefully.


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