Saturday, December 27, 2014

Twas the Night After Christmas

My parents are super into my brothers dating life, like I went somewhere alone with my parents today and they asked a lot about my brother and his dating and stuff, and nothing about me. I wonder if they have an idea that I may be gay. Eh whatever....

Anywho hope all ya'll had a great Christmas. I got some neat stuff I'm really blessed to have such a great family because we been having some dope ass family time. It's weird tho because the girl I took to prom senior year is getting married tomorrow... Just makes me look at my life and where I am right now. I've determined I don't care. Much like I have determined about a lot of stuff in my life. Sorry for the few incoherent thoughts to start this post out.

Anyway I think it's about time to talk about the tinder story. First off since I first mentioned the tinder story I have gone back to women only on tinder, and stopped using it altogether. Here's the what went down to this point. It's still not 100% resolved.

So when I tind I usually swipe right to everyone (when on females only, mostly due to the fact that once again I don't care). But once I added dudes I was super careful and picky. I swiped right to like 1 out of every 50+ dudes at best. I matched with most people I said yes too. One of them however looked really familiar and attractive... (One issue is that since I've repressed my gay feelings all my life I don't know how to verbalize how I feel about guys, so attractive is my go to word). Anyway we matched and then didn't talk, and I saw him the next day on BYU campus in the Chemistry building. It was weird, I think he recognized me but I wasn't sure and I was only like 75% it was really him. Anyway I messaged him the next day and we talked a bit. He said he was going to UVU studying economics. I was thought it wasn't the kid I saw on campus, and kept talking. I mentioned I went to BYU and he asked what a guy from BYU was doing tinding for men. I made some really ambiguous replies without saying anything outright. He eventually asked if I was attracted to men. I replied it would appear that way, and then he quit messaging me, I assumed he went to bed.

I then began thinking about the kid I saw on campus, and how I really thought they were the same person, and if that kid lied about going to UVU and really went to BYU, and he knows I'm gay, what could happen.. So I had to find out. Using my l337 hacking skillz (facebook person finder, add their first name and shared interests from tinder) I found him on facebook (took 2 minutes.... It's kinda scary how easy it is to find people on the internet in this day and age). Anyway his profile straight up said BYU and one picture was of an O-Chem book. So he was lying about school and major. Turns out we have tons of other shit in common, like music taste and what not. Either way after finding him I went to bed and in the morning he had unmatched us.

My first reaction was to freak out. He was obviously just trying to find gay byu students on tinder to out them. I thought I'd go to school and my picture would be all over with homosexual written on it. I went to campus and found everything normal. So I began thinking about it more. I mean, who would use their personal facebook account to go on gay tinder unless they were actually gay, like nobody would risk getting caught unless they are really gay. Like that's not something people do as a joke. So i thought about when I first "came out" to my bishop and my friend, and I actually remember going on gay tinder once before. I matched with the first dude I swiped right to, he said "what's up" and I thought to myself "Oh shit this cant be happening this is too real holy fuck what do I do?" and freaked out and blocked him and went back to women only tinder. I figure maybe he did something similar, and began thinking about reaching out to him.

Now the day after he Unmatched us I went to bed late (2am ish) and got on the app Yik-Yak before hitting the hay. One of the top Yaks was something about choosing a busy medical career so not dating wouldn't be suspicious to his parents so he wouldn't have to come out to them. Remembering the Ochem textbook, I have 4 friends that have/are taking Ochem and all of them are pre-med, so there's a potential it was the kid I matched on tinder.

Going back to my first time hitting up gay tinder, After I freaked out and reverted to straight tinder, I resorted to anonymous secret telling apps to "come out" more... Something about saying I was gay online helped me feel better.

With this information I have a story of what might have happened. Kid gets home from his mission and addresses his gay thoughts. He might have even gone on his mission to try to get rid of said thoughts. Anyway he gets home and realizes he needs to address them. He gets brave and ventures onto gay tinder, still 100% in the closet. He matches a few people, learns one of them also goes to byu, freaks out at the chance of being recognized as a homo on campus, blocks him, then resorts to anonymous secret telling apps to find solace. Sounds a lot like what I did (minus the mission part)....

Now If that story is correct or even partially correct, the best thing for this kid is to have someone to talk to. Finding a friend to share my gay thoughts with is the only thing that kept me sane at first. Hell the only point of this stupid fucking blog is to vent my gay frustrations. Anyway part of me really wants to reach out to this kid and be like "yo if you wanna talk about things I got you" but doing that on facebook would be creepy? wouldn't it? He works in the library on campus so I see him around quite often, so slipping him a note might work? The real complication is that we met on tinder, and I don't want him thinking I want his dick or anything. If he's uncomfortable with it dating is 100% off the table, I don't care. I just think it would be cool to have someone at BYU who is going through the exact same thing as me to talk to, and like how hard it is and how much it really sucks to be gay at BYU, Plus if the story is true a person to talk to could really help him out, but I'm afraid if I reach out he'll shoot me down for fear of being "outed" or that I wanna date him or something hella gay like that. Ya feel me? Like I'm a chill person who doesn't care about much, so if he just want an unbiased acquaintance to talk to, I'm there, I'm chill with whatever and won't be trying to do anything freaky ya know. but due to the connotations attached to tinder I fear he will assume the worst and not want any part of it.

So I have a note written up in my wallet ready to hand to him if I ever catch him alone (fool is always talking to people at work so it's hard to catch him at work), but part of me is thinks if I write out a Facebook message well enough it won't be too creepy. Idk that's where the tinder story stands. I was hoping to drop the note before i left for break but I was too damn busy so now I'm here. Comment thoughts and opinions or some shit, really I don't care too much I'll do what I think is best.

On a hella more gay note I got cow patterned onsie pajamas for xmas that are hella gay but I love them. Hahaha so gay. All the homo.
EDIT: just noticed I mentioned these Pjs my last post. That's how much homo.

And here's a funny picture to end on a good note. Plus it's tinder related.

Keeeeeeeeeeemberrrrrrrrrrr. Thanks for voting on content.. r,; Member i" 113. 2014. 8: 55 AM a deaf ' would shout Thanks asshole. made me blow a snot 10/10


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