Monday, February 1, 2016

Baby Steps

Idk so here's two songs for all ya'll. (Second song has a long intro)


So my last post was about the awkwardness that was present at Christmas with my family, how like everyone avoided the Gay topic. Shoutout to my boy Evan for the comment (for real though, thank you) about how the awkwardness was just my parents not wanting to offend me, and me not having set a clear idea of what is ok and what isn't. Right before heading back to Provo, the opportunity presented itself to sit down and talk with my father. Quick preface, my dad is a convert, he converted at 20 years old, married me mum who is a lifeling member. My dad was in the military.. etc. So my dad is a lot more open minded and 'progressive' if you want to word it like that. So we started talking and I told him about how I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. And how I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life. Like shit, do I wanna be gay? Do I want to try to stick it out with the church and marry a woman... We had a real heart to heart and it was really nice. I explained how things felt awkward, and that I felt like any slightly gay topic was avoided like the plague, and he explained it was for two reason. First, my parents just weren't sure what they could or couldn't say that would or wouldn't offend me. I guess it makes sense that they don't want to offend me, but I want them to speak their minds and not hold back. I explained that to my dad and he was glad for the clarification. The other part to the awkwardness he admitted was my mothers discomfort on the subject. He told me that she still loved me and didn't think differently of me, but she was still trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I'm gay. We talked about a lot more shit, like who I should marry and what I should do with my life and it was great. It felt good to speak honestly to my dad, and to talk about being gay with him and not feeling bad about it and not sugar coating anything.

My mom called me a few days later and wanted to talk about the same kinda stuff, but as expected she didn't handle it well. She was trying to figure out what went wrong or what event or what could have influenced me as a kid to make me gay. I kinda just rolled with it and tried to explain that I've had gay feelings for as long as I could remember, but she just kept trying to pinpoint it to a single thing that would make me gay. Lol. Hopefully she'll come around soon enough. 

After talking to both of my parents the idea that I need to set the tone with my gayness came out. They basically said that the more casually I treat it, the more casually they'll treat it. I need to set the mood, so I can't be afraid to be gay and make gay comments around my family... It's kinda scary, but it needs to be done. Next time I'm at a family gathering I'll test the waters and let you know how it goes...

In other big news... I met a guy! He's and ex mormon who is new to the whole dating thing and what not, so we're kinda learning together. It's really cool though to be dating and to like, actually be into it, ya know? Like I actually care about dating this guy and I want to make a good impression and I'm really nervous and shit like damn it's fun but scary at the same time. It's really cool. We're going to have our first official date soon, but we've been texting like crazy and met a few times. I'm super stoked. When I would date girls I had no idea this is what real dating felt like damn it's fun.

Anywho that's enough for tonight.