A Brief Moment

So occasionally I like party/dance music to get pumped for sports and stuff, and I just found this song and for some reason I love it. It's obviously a drinking song, but whatever.

Anywho so a while back I mentioned those flashes I get where I can imagine being with another man and being insanely happy. Well tonight while procrastinating I was on Facebook and some pictures came across my feed. The pictures were of a friend who is an avid mountain biker (the crazy kind where you do jumps and ride off cliffs) and he had taken his wife to an indoor biking complex and challenged her to jump a bike into a giant airbag. He yells encouraging things as she undertakes the task, and yells in joy when she does it safely. You can really feel the love he feels for her as she does the jump. It made me think about how I would feel if my significant other was undertaking a similar task. It's hard to explain because I don't really know what my significant other looked like, but it was a man, and the nervousness and excitement and love I felt as he was going to do a potentially dangerous task was amazing. It was a brief moment of total love and excitement and joy. It's hard to explain, but it's amazing. Just felt the need to get that out there.

I gotta go to bed it's getting late, just wanted to write about that experience I had today. It was pretty great.

I'll leave you with this:

Peace.

Something New?

My goodness I really do suck at titles. Anyway Now I'm listed on the MOHO listing so I thought I'd do a pretty basic post, just about myself. To this point only a few friends (and maybe some random people) have read my blog so I haven't cared to give a brief overview of myself, but now that people That don't know me but that I care about will read this it's time. Continuing on my theme of giving you songs to listen to as you read here you go, this one is one of my all time favorite songs:

Alright here we go:
Note: will be vague, I want to remain 100% anonymous

Age: 20
School: BYU
Major: Engineering of some flavor
Siblings: only one brother
Home state: Nevada
Places lived: Nevada, San Diego, and one summer in Peru
Favorite Movie: Dredd for action, Anchorman for Comedy, Nitro Circus 3d for everything else
Favorite Book: Airborne by Kenneth Oppel
Favorite Music: I like instrumental like Explosions in the Sky and Collapse Under the Empire, but I mostly listen to Indie/Bluegrass like The Rural Alberta Advantage, The Oh Hellos, Friendly Savages, etc. I like music.
Favorite TV show: Parenthood for serious stuff, Archer for comedy, Futurama for everything else
Favorite Color: Gray ("but that's not a color!") so purple.
Favorite Quote: I can handle pain until it hurts
Embarrassing story: One time I went to a movie and the ticket seller told me to enjoy the movie and I said "you too."

Umm I'm out of things, so here's a llist of things I found online. If you're bored of this skip past all these and I'll have some real stuff down there.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? 
No. 

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? 
I don't remember. 

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? 
I wish I cared?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? 
Roast Beast. 

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 
No. 

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? 
Nahhhhhh. 

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? 
I have no idea. I think so.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? 
In a heartbeat.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? 
It changes. Usually Cinnamon toast crunch.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? 
You should be asking if I tie my shoes at all....

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? 
No. 

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? 
Anything Chocolate. 

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? 
Smile. 

15. RED OR PINK? 
Gray. 

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? 
How little I care about things. 

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? 
My Grandma. 

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? 
Tan leather bby. 

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? 
Microwavable Pizza. 

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? 
The Decemberists. The Infanta

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? 
Laser Lemon (126 pack bby) 

23. FAVORITE SMELLS? 
Garlic. 

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? 
My hometeaching companion. 

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? 
Mountain. 

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? 
Supercross. 

27. HAIR COLOR? 
Some call it Strawberry Blonde, other call me a ginger. 

28. EYE COLOR? 
Hazel. 

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? 
All day 'erry day. 

30. FAVORITE FOOD? 
Meat. 

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? 
Comedy. 

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? 
Selma. 

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? 
Black. 

34. SUMMER OR WINTER? 
Summer. 

35. HUGS OR KISSES? 
Why not both? 

36. FAVORITE DESSERT? 
Anything Chocolate. 

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? 
Netflix? But really cardio.  

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? 
Computer. 

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? 
None right now

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? 
I don't have a mouse pad. I use the couch arm.

42. FAVORITE SOUND? 
Rain. 

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? 
Peru? 

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? 
I'm pretty fearless, somewhat artistic, very creative. 

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? 
San Diego. 

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? 
Provo Utah. 

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? 
Brick. 

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? 
Red. 

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS? 
If I didn't would I be doing this?


Anyway hope that helps you get a to know me a bit better.
Here's the real stuff you're probably wondering:

Realizing I was gay: I always kinda thought I was, About 12 years old in a sex ed class I got the idea I might be, but being Mormon I just tried not to be. I tried to convince myself I was "normal." Freshman year of college is when I started accepting it.

Have I told anyone: 4 friends, all really close, it was really hard telling each one of them.

Do my parents know: Hell naw, maybe one day.

Did I serve a Mission: Not yet. It's not looking like I will but you never know.

Dating or anything: I wish. I'm laying low while at BYU

Quick self description:
I'm super chill, like mellow, but I like to have fun. I'm quiet till you get to know me. I'm an adrenaline junky. I dress/act like a skater. I'm pretty basic really. Not much too me. I just want to have fun with life.

My name is Rod and I like to Party.

This has been a long enough and boring enough post. If you want to take time and read through some of my older posts (my titles aren't useful, I'm terrible at titles) there's some fun stuff. My second post (I think) deals with me coming to terms with being gay and the church and stuff. It's a good one. I actually have a few posts dealing with me "coming out" to a friend. 

If you have any advice, suggestions, anything let me know.

I always end with a funny picture:



Peace

Yolo or something

I think Imma start dropping songs at the start of entries for you guys to listen to as you read what I have to say. Just optional music that I like, because I can. If you don't wanna listen to it you don't have to.

So I just found MOHO, which is like a directory for gay Mormon blogs, and I think I'm going to try to get mine listed on there. I read a few of the blogs on there and noticed that most of them are very formal, almost philosophical at times, asking deep questions and provoking deep thoughts about what it's like to be a gay Mormon, and I'm just sitting here like "awww damn I'm way to casual for that" but I think it could be a refreshing view for people to read. This is just like my pure uncensored thoughts and feelings written as casually as possible. I know I prefer reading stuff like this over the super formal stuff, so we'll see what happens. I need a better name for this blog though haha. It's currently titled "The Thoughts of a Gay Mormon" Which is like how can I possibly make it more bland? Seriously it's a straightforward boring name. Seeing that that's not who I am, I want a more appropriate name. I've thought of calling this blog "The Homo Momo" (Momo being slang for Mormon) but not too many people use Momo and it can be taken offensively so I opted out of that name haha.

On a much less gay note I went and saw American Sniper and it was fantastic! I highly recommend it to anyone. I know it's rated R, but if you can get over that it's a great movie to watch and really makes you appreciate the military and what they have to go through to keep us safe. Also watch the TV show archer it will change your life. It's hilarious.

P.S. black twitter is the best.


Anywho if I do get added to MOHO expect some general stuff coming soon just to clear up some stuff to random people who may read this.

Peace.

Been a few days...

But I'm learning Italian now! I have a good friend who can speak fluently and I want to be able to at least kinda communicate with him when he get's home from Italy, and I'd also like to study abroad there, so I'm using duolingo to try to learn. I'll probably take an Italian class or two over spring/summer semesters. We'll see what happens.

Sooooooo, here's what's happening with me lately. I found a dope ass band called Beta Radio... Check them out. Chill ass music. Love it. Anywho on a slightly gayer note I just watched a video where some fraternal twins just came out to their father on the phone. It was crazy how emotional it was for them. I felt so much for them as they painfully told their father they were gay. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the response of their father. Unfortunately the title of the article I clicked on kind of ruined the suspense, but as their father muddled through his first words after the gay bomb was dropped, I could feel the tension as the twins had no idea what their father was going to say. It was really weird watching it, like I was thinking "man they are so brave, I can't imagine having to sit there and wonder how a reaction was going to go, it's crazy" and then shortly after I was like "shit I'm gay..." Like while watching it it felt so foreign to me, like I had never been through anything even slightly related, but I have.

It's super hard to explain like after watching it I was like "Aww that was cute... I'm glad I'll never have to do that." but then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just thought "Aww dammit, I will have to do that, I've done similar stuff. I'm gay dammit." Like idk do you ever see people with the same problems you have and you're kinda like "Shit I'm glad I'm not them that suckkkssss haha bitches!" but then you realize that you do/are going through what they are and the realization hits you and it sucks and you realize you're a bitch too? I'm kinda rambling now but I don't really care at all.

Anyway that's what's happening. As far as Tinder story goes I've talked to someone about it and I'm going to slip the note, but with the new semester I don't see the dude anymore so I need to figure out when he works haha. Stalker mode engaged. We'll see what happens.

Here's a fantastic song for ya'll:

And I'll leave you with a funny picture. If you don't watch Archer you should:

Peace.

Gotta say this

Here's a tidbit I've never said to anyone ever. It's going to get pretty gay just so you know so if by chance you know me and don't want to see the super gay side of me now might be a time to back out haha.

I've been watching the show parenthood (I watched up to the last season, then school got in the was so I'm just starting the final season). Being a very family oriented show it makes me think about family. A lot. Spoiler ALERT--- The dad/grandpa just got out of the hospital and it made me think about my own father going to the hospital, and how I would handle it. It makes me think a lot, about my relationships with my family members and such, but also with relationships I hope to garner in the future. Now being Mormon I try my hardest not to think about this because I'm supposed to marry a woman and replenish the earth, but lately it's been hard. I have these weird flashes when I hear songs or watch a video or something, and its just a feeling or an idea that comes to me seemingly from nowhere. These feelings/ideas/thoughts are all about me and another man. It's not a set person or anything, but all I know is it's a guy. and I'm excited to be with him and he's handsome and I'm genuinely happy. After this bouts come and pass It's back to normal. it's really hard for me to sit down and picture being with another man, whether it be dating or marriage. I've been trained not to think about it, or think about it negatively, so it's hard for me to imagine it in a positive way at any given time. During these flashes though, it's completely different. It's what I'm pretty sure I know I want, and it's like my brain is telling me "yo this is what you want" but because social pressures and stuff I can't imagine it on my own.

When I think about marriage or even steady dating it's like whatever. It's always me and a cute girl, and I like her, but it's just that. Then I try to think about the same thing with a guy, and it's awkward like I don't know how. During these flashes though it feels amazing to think about these things. I recently had a flash. I was trying to nap as my brother took his turn driving us home for Christmas, and a song came on. It's a freaking perfect song, it's soft, but fun, and feels like warmth and summer (which makes sense since the song is called June Hymn) and during the song thoughts of a wedding came to my head. I was excited and anxious. It was my wedding with another guy. I felt warm and loved, but best of all I felt happy. It's weird for me. Sure I'm a happy person, but I rarely feel really truly happy. I feel good a lot, even great sometimes, but sine highschool when I started feeling like shit for my gay thoughts and feelings I don't get that sense of true excitement and happiness too much, especially when it comes to relationships. But in my mind, thinking about that song, and my wedding, and stuff It was just pure unadulterated happiness (not sure if unadulterated makes sense there but I do what I want... EDIT just looked it up, and it hella makes sense yo!).

The only reason I write this is because watching parenthood one of the couple (I think gramma and grampa) were getting really close and showing that they really loved and cared for another, and the thought of myself doing the same think came up, and I was caring for another guy. I felt love, and peace, and happiness. It feels great like I really enjoy these feelings when they hit me. It makes me wonder if the dilemma I'm faced with isn't as hard as I'm making it. Gives me stuff to think about.

Anyway first day of school just went off, it was boring. This semester will be hard, but I can do it. Gotta catch some Z's now fools. Here's a sloth because I can.



Peace.

Last day of Vacation

So it's my last night of vacation, and I'm not ready for it to end, so I'm stalling going to bed by typing this. I thought I would explain why I say "that's gay" and other similar things that can be construed as negatively using words meaning homosexual.

Basically, when I was in junior high and early highschool I was an uptight bitch. Like I was super serious especially when it came to school work, and didn't goof off at all. I quickly realized I had very few friends, and my brother was coming home with new friends every day. I looked closely at my brothers character, and then at myself. Why did he have friends and I didn't? Well it was because he was fun and I wasn't.

After I noticed that I started trying to change my personality. I realized I could take school seriously, but be a more loose and relaxed person. It was a matter of attitude. Just because I work hard and take my work seriously didn't mean I had to be uptight all the time. I could chill and crack jokes while doing my work ya know? Anywho about this time I really started looking more at character traits and attributes people had that made the fun to be around. One thing that I noticed as an instant turn off is when people were easily offended. I became a pretty crude person, and when people were easily offended it was like "damn bitch lighten up" and I didn't ever want to talk to them.

So I looked at what made me offended by things. I was offended because things were mean? But what made them mean? There were a lot of reasons that I thought made things "mean" but what it really boiled down to is how I received things. Someone could say "you look good today" and I could take it as a compliment, or I could be all like "bitch I only look good? Why don't I look great are you calling me fat and ugly?" like really I realized it's possible to be offended by anything. And I mean literally anything. But what would being offended get me? Nothing besides the reputation as a bitch, and it wouldn't make people want to hang out with me. So I decided that if being offended gets me nothing, why do it?

It took a while, but I learned to just not be offended. I've had people say pretty mean things about me, but I was like "whatever?" That really is the best word I learned to use in highschool. Just because some dick in highschool calls me a "pussy ass bitch" doesn't mean it's true. It's only true if I believe it or allow it to get to me. So just don't? It's that easy. Just don't let what people say get to you. I learned to be who I was and be proud of it, and not let the things others say affect me.

Now because of this realization I am no longer offended by really anything. I also quickly learned that laughter is the one thing that can make a day instantly better. There is no downside to laughter, so I find humor in everything I do. Once my mum and I had to spread manure over my front lawn to fertilize the grass we had/were going to plant, and it sucked. I could have just had a bad attitude and had no fun, but instead I climbed the biggest stack of manure out there and yelled "I'm king of crap!" and made me mum laugh and I laughed and tons of poop/crap jokes ensued, and we actually had a good time. Over time this ability to find humor in anything has gotten a bit out of hand to the point where I can laugh at anything. I can laugh at 9/11 or a funeral, or pretty much anything people think is terrible. To me there is no "too soon" for jokes. Joking about 9/11 won't make it worse, it won't make more or less people die that tragic day, but laughing makes my day better, so why not laugh about it? Some people think it's a bad ability to have, but I like it.

Anyway when I realized I was gay, I just applied this to being gay. I make gay jokes all the time (to my friends who know). That why on this blog I'll say things like "_____ is pretty gay" or "all the homo." It's not because I really am that gay or anything, but because I can joke about myself. Being gay (and mormon) sucks, but if I can make it funny or fun at all I will. So if people are reading this and you think I'm weird because I say odd things about being gay, it's because I'm having fun with it. I don't intend to offend anyone.

To end on a lighter note (this is not my convo, found it on the internet):

                     

Peace

Haha!

Just made my blog public, and it got one view, so I made it private again. You one lucky bastard got a closer look into my life than anyone else ever has.

Anywho with crimmus break drawing to a close I'm nervous and pissed, but a little excited. I'm nervous because school is a bitch, and pissed because school is a bitch, but excited because it's easier to be gay when I'm not living with my parents haha. Also, I'm about to yolo and bust a move on the tinder story whether it turns out bad or good I don't really care (I started saying yolo ironically and I'm sad to say it stuck). I'm also nervous because I'm going to talk to the friend I just told in person, and who knows how that will go. Damn Ron Burgundy really summed up my feelings right now when he so passionately yelled "I'm in a glass case of emotion!" Oh well. I'm going to hang out with some good friends tomorrow and then I'm driving home Sunday. Hopefully I don't get pulled over again. I can't use Christmas to get me out of a ticket anymore.

I'll probably make my blog public again soon. so If you do see this let me know your feelings on my blog please. Is it good/fun to read, or am I a nutjob?

Here's my reaction if you say mean things about my blog.

Peace