I've been watching the show parenthood (I watched up to the last season, then school got in the was so I'm just starting the final season). Being a very family oriented show it makes me think about family. A lot. Spoiler ALERT--- The dad/grandpa just got out of the hospital and it made me think about my own father going to the hospital, and how I would handle it. It makes me think a lot, about my relationships with my family members and such, but also with relationships I hope to garner in the future. Now being Mormon I try my hardest not to think about this because I'm supposed to marry a woman and replenish the earth, but lately it's been hard. I have these weird flashes when I hear songs or watch a video or something, and its just a feeling or an idea that comes to me seemingly from nowhere. These feelings/ideas/thoughts are all about me and another man. It's not a set person or anything, but all I know is it's a guy. and I'm excited to be with him and he's handsome and I'm genuinely happy. After this bouts come and pass It's back to normal. it's really hard for me to sit down and picture being with another man, whether it be dating or marriage. I've been trained not to think about it, or think about it negatively, so it's hard for me to imagine it in a positive way at any given time. During these flashes though, it's completely different. It's what I'm pretty sure I know I want, and it's like my brain is telling me "yo this is what you want" but because social pressures and stuff I can't imagine it on my own.
When I think about marriage or even steady dating it's like whatever. It's always me and a cute girl, and I like her, but it's just that. Then I try to think about the same thing with a guy, and it's awkward like I don't know how. During these flashes though it feels amazing to think about these things. I recently had a flash. I was trying to nap as my brother took his turn driving us home for Christmas, and a song came on. It's a freaking perfect song, it's soft, but fun, and feels like warmth and summer (which makes sense since the song is called June Hymn) and during the song thoughts of a wedding came to my head. I was excited and anxious. It was my wedding with another guy. I felt warm and loved, but best of all I felt happy. It's weird for me. Sure I'm a happy person, but I rarely feel really truly happy. I feel good a lot, even great sometimes, but sine highschool when I started feeling like shit for my gay thoughts and feelings I don't get that sense of true excitement and happiness too much, especially when it comes to relationships. But in my mind, thinking about that song, and my wedding, and stuff It was just pure unadulterated happiness (not sure if unadulterated makes sense there but I do what I want... EDIT just looked it up, and it hella makes sense yo!).
The only reason I write this is because watching parenthood one of the couple (I think gramma and grampa) were getting really close and showing that they really loved and cared for another, and the thought of myself doing the same think came up, and I was caring for another guy. I felt love, and peace, and happiness. It feels great like I really enjoy these feelings when they hit me. It makes me wonder if the dilemma I'm faced with isn't as hard as I'm making it. Gives me stuff to think about.
Anyway first day of school just went off, it was boring. This semester will be hard, but I can do it. Gotta catch some Z's now fools. Here's a sloth because I can.
Peace.
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