Formerly known as "The Thoughts of a Gay Mormon." I'd now consider myself a very inactive Mormon, so my thoughts are no longer from an active, practicing Mormon and I didn't want my title to be misleading. And WARNING: I write very casually and use a lot of words and slang that could be taken offensively. My words aren't intended to offend, they are just my raw thoughts put on the page.
I've never been a big facebooker, but after the election I feel the need to share some thoughts on facebook. I drafted up a post and wanted to share it on here too. I grew up in a small town in nevada that was really conservative, so I've seen a lot of shit about the election on facebook, mostly targeting liberals and protestors. So here's my draft: I want to make it shorter, but idk how. I'll likely revise and post it tomorrow:
So I rarely post anything of substance on here, but recent events have made me feel the need to share my thoughts. Since the election I've seen tons of posts on here that go any sort of direction, some rude, some begging for kindness, I simply want to throw some of my observations and thoughts out there. Plus I've been toying with the idea of deleting facebook for a while, it's a huge time consumer and I feel as if nothing good comes from it, so in a few days I'll be deactivating it for a month or two to see how it goes, so these are my closing thoughts for now.
The election has brought a lot of different opinions out, I have thoroughly enjoyed it. The mixing of ideas and opinions to create the best environment for everyone is what I think makes America great. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, and everyones opinion should be valued and respected, no matter how it differs from our own. I saw a lot of posts saying "If you support X candidate you should unfriend me now!" and things like that. That is not a healthy approach. Surrounding youself in differing opinions opens up thoughts and ideas we never would have had otherwise, and opens our minds to be more understanding and makes it easier to connect with others. I encourage all my friends and aquaintences to have differing opinions, and know that I will always respect those opinions. We may not agree, but that is ok, and it is great. I want to learn from you, but hope you can have the respect to treat my opinions the same and want to learn from me. I hope nobody unfriend me because of my ideas and opinions, but if you feel you must, then go for it.
That being said, my political stance this election was pretty simple; "Anyone but Trump please." I have my reasons that I'll state in a minute, I just want to say that Trump won and I acknowledge that. The people have spoken and he will be my next president. I hope he does the best he can for the country. I will respect him. I will stand by his good ideas, question his questionable ones, and be the best and most supportive citizen I can be.
All of this leads into the main reason I'm writing this. No matter what opinions and ideas people have, violence and hate are never okay with me, especially against fellow countrymen and women. The fact that Trump ran on a platform based around hate didn't sit well with me. The fact the people from both political sides wished harm and death upon each other makes me sad. We are one country, we need to support and understand each other. That's why it bring me a lot a pain to see people calling each other out, especially the protestors. I want people to realize that the people protesting aren't "babies" and they aren't "pussies" who need to "get over it, Trump won." Protests are a legitamate way to voice concerns in a very public way that is easy to get noticed. And I know a lot of you are thinking "We didn't protest when Obama won, why should they protest now?" I'll tell you why. Obama never threatened to take away peoples' civil rights. Obama never promoted or stood for openly descriminating against people. As much as you can say about Trump and defend him, he has done both of those. The protests are because people are scared of having rights taken away, or being descriminated against. These concerns are legit. These concerns are scary. How do I know this?
I've never been a fan of saying things on facebook, ever, but I feel that at this time it is important that I help people understand. I know how scary the Tump/Pence presidency can be because I am gay. I am who I am, no matter how hard I tried, or how hard I prayed, I can't change who I am, and I have grown to accept and take pride in myself. I admitted to myself that I was gay four or so years ago, and stopped hiding it about two years ago. I only mention it as it comes up, I don't feel the need to make a big deal about it, because it doesn't define me, it's just a small part that makes up who I am. I am so much more than my sexuality.
I have goals in life, and dreams. I hope that in the next four or so years I'll meet someone, settle down and get married. I hope to start a career, I want to do things, go places in life. I never considered the fact that I may have difficulties reaching for these dreams and goals because of the government, but with Trump/Pence winning the election, I'm starting to realize I may have been wrong. Trump has said he will consider appointing Supreme Court Justices that would undo marraige equality. Pence passed legislation is his state that allowed descrimination of LGBTQ+ people. A lot of the head honchos in the trump camp are extremely anti-LGBT. This tells me that even if I meet the man of my dreams in the next year or two, there's a change we won't be able to legally be married. It means I could start a career, and then one day be fired for the sole reason that I'm gay. It has also opened up the doors for people to be more vocally homophobic. I've already been called slurs and offensive words be people I thought liked and support me. It terrifies me to think about it.
So I can tell you first hand, the Trump presidency is scary. The people out protesting are just as scared if not more scared than I am. Instead of name calling, maybe we should reach out and try to understand each other, try to combat these fears, make sure they never become reality. We are so quick to judge and so slow to try to understand. Everyone has differenct concerns and fears, and they are all legit. We need to understand that, and understand each other. It saddens me to see people that care so little about their neighbor.
This leads to my last point, are all Trump supporters homophobic and racist? The easy answer is no. I've seen accusations thrown around, and fingers pointed. But people need to understand that when you were given two choices, both equally shitty, and you chose the one that puts peoples rights and well being in jeopardy, they are going to feel strongly about it. Anyone of my friends who voted for Trump, I can see why you did. I don't blame you, but I can tell you that it makes me feel as if my rights are expendable in your mind. It makes me feel as if you don't care about me, and other LGBT persons. It feels really awful. So when people blame you or call you racist or homophobic, we all know that you most likely aren't, but to a degree you do support it. The anger and dissapointment directed at you is legitamate. Just think about that please. I don't want to make you feel bad, I just want you to understand where people are coming from, and hopefully we can use this to combat any descrimination that may be brought up during this next presidency.
There's no telling what Trump will do, he may be the best president ever, he may treat LGBT people and minorities very well, but at this current state in time it looks to be the opposite, so please respect peoples' fears, and understand that they are real and legit. I've only hit on the fears and concerns I can share my insight on, I can't speak for women or minorities or anyone else who may feel scared by the new Pres. Just please think twice before calling someone out, think about where they might be coming from. Lets all understand each other so we can work towards one goal of not only making america great, but making the world a great place to live for everyone.
Thanks for reading, I hope it gives you a different look into some aspect of this voting season.
If any of you really need to reach me I'll be on facebook another day or two, then you can hit me up on instagram or snapchat, both @[name removed]. I love you all and appreciate everything that makes you all different and unique. embrace it.
Thats where the post ends, I actually just think I'll write a really shortened version of that, and link my facebook to this page if anyone wants to read the full thing
Idk so here's two songs for all ya'll. (Second song has a long intro)
So my last post was about the awkwardness that was present at Christmas with my family, how like everyone avoided the Gay topic. Shoutout to my boy Evan for the comment (for real though, thank you) about how the awkwardness was just my parents not wanting to offend me, and me not having set a clear idea of what is ok and what isn't. Right before heading back to Provo, the opportunity presented itself to sit down and talk with my father. Quick preface, my dad is a convert, he converted at 20 years old, married me mum who is a lifeling member. My dad was in the military.. etc. So my dad is a lot more open minded and 'progressive' if you want to word it like that. So we started talking and I told him about how I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life. And how I have no idea what the fuck I want to do with my life. Like shit, do I wanna be gay? Do I want to try to stick it out with the church and marry a woman... We had a real heart to heart and it was really nice. I explained how things felt awkward, and that I felt like any slightly gay topic was avoided like the plague, and he explained it was for two reason. First, my parents just weren't sure what they could or couldn't say that would or wouldn't offend me. I guess it makes sense that they don't want to offend me, but I want them to speak their minds and not hold back. I explained that to my dad and he was glad for the clarification. The other part to the awkwardness he admitted was my mothers discomfort on the subject. He told me that she still loved me and didn't think differently of me, but she was still trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that I'm gay. We talked about a lot more shit, like who I should marry and what I should do with my life and it was great. It felt good to speak honestly to my dad, and to talk about being gay with him and not feeling bad about it and not sugar coating anything.
My mom called me a few days later and wanted to talk about the same kinda stuff, but as expected she didn't handle it well. She was trying to figure out what went wrong or what event or what could have influenced me as a kid to make me gay. I kinda just rolled with it and tried to explain that I've had gay feelings for as long as I could remember, but she just kept trying to pinpoint it to a single thing that would make me gay. Lol. Hopefully she'll come around soon enough.
After talking to both of my parents the idea that I need to set the tone with my gayness came out. They basically said that the more casually I treat it, the more casually they'll treat it. I need to set the mood, so I can't be afraid to be gay and make gay comments around my family... It's kinda scary, but it needs to be done. Next time I'm at a family gathering I'll test the waters and let you know how it goes...
In other big news... I met a guy! He's and ex mormon who is new to the whole dating thing and what not, so we're kinda learning together. It's really cool though to be dating and to like, actually be into it, ya know? Like I actually care about dating this guy and I want to make a good impression and I'm really nervous and shit like damn it's fun but scary at the same time. It's really cool. We're going to have our first official date soon, but we've been texting like crazy and met a few times. I'm super stoked. When I would date girls I had no idea this is what real dating felt like damn it's fun.
Ok now onto the main stuff. It's 2016. Woo. I guess. I've never been into the whole "New year new me" type shit. If you really wanna change yourself, do it ASAP. Do it the minute you think about it. Don't wait for a "new year" to change your life. It's like every procrastinators wet dream. If something is really worth doing or changing, you won't put it off to the new year. I don't do resolutions. I do set goals for myself. Very loose though, just stuff that can't be done asap, but that I want to work on. I set the goals yearly, but mine for 2016 started back in November or so when I cam up with the idea. I want to become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality in public. I'm still hiding shit like I'm in the closet, but I'm not. I've stated that I don't give a shit if people know I'm gay anymore, but I don't act that way. So I want to start acting that way. Well, that's bad wording. I don't want to act like I don't give a shit, but I want to be more comfortable with it, and not hide it like I'm hiding a dead body or something. It's just something I've been trying to work on and will continue to focus on in 2016.
This whole thing goes along with the theme of being comfortable about being gay.
So after thanksgiving I've been a little on edge when it comes to family. I love them dearly, we all get along well and we all have a really good time, so I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was bothering me, until a night or two ago. Although I'm "out" to my family, they still treat it with much awkwardness. Whenever the subject of homosexuality comes up at all, my parents give me weird looks and I can tell they tiptoe around the subject. They don't treat me or the subject like they are understanding or caring. They treat it like it's best not to bring it up or discuss it, and I'm not sure if they treat it like that due to their own discomfort with it, or with the thought that I am gay, or if they think that I'm a pussy when it comes to my gayness and will be offended. I don't know why they do it, but it really fucking annoys me. When came out to them (and when I came out to me brother) I told them that they can talk to me about any part of it, or ask me any questions about it, and no matter how offensive or awkward they might think it would be, I wouldn't get upset of offended and would answer just about anything. Both times my parents and my brother had no questions and kinda shut down talking about it as fast as they could. So this leads me to believe they avoid the topic because of their own insecurities with it, and I don't know how to go about addressing them. but it annoys me because it's like they're secretly ashamed of me or ashamed for me, and feel the need to hide it even though I have no desire to hide it. I don't know how to go about resolving this problem, but it's really kinda pissed me off all holiday. I love my parents dearly but I really wish I could just talk to them about this shit casually, and not have to sit them down and have a serious conversation about it with them.
They don't ask about my dating life or anything that could even come close to talking about me being gay, they just avoid it all. My dad still talks about girls that would be perfect for me though (as if one could be) and shit like that. It's no big deal, but it irks me. The other night some hot af dude came on tv and someone made a comment questioning his attractiveness and I almost jumped in with a comment but backed off last second because I didn't know how it would be received. Another time my mom was writing a list on blank paper and her column wasn't perfectly vertical, and my brother made a comment like "can you please write straight?" and my mom replied "It is straight." and I was about to say "Really mom, that's about as straight as I am." But once again backed off because I don't feel like my parents want to talk about it. I don't know man, maybe I'm making a big deal outta this, maybe not, But it's been bothering me either way. I need to evaluate the situation, and maybe address it tomorrow? We'll see what happens.
Oh and fuck my hometown. I told that one girl i was gay, but my dude friend I didn't. It never came up or even came close to coming up in conversation so I left it alone. Other than that I feel terrified of my homosexuality here. Nobody is gay here and it's still heavily looked down upon, so even though it's not a big deal it's been kinda emotionally draining with it in the back of my head the whole time I've been here. I'm pretty ready to go back to Provo so I can be myself again.
Oh but Christmas rocked, it's been fun, I guess what I'm saying is even though everything's been fun and great, it hasn't been REAL. it's been faked, forced, and the conversation directed. My second Sunday I didn't want to go to church and my dad guilted me into it, and when I brought up not taking the sacrament (i'm still worthy, but I don't associate with the church much and don't feel the need to take it) He told me to just take the sacrament and that if I'm worthy I shouldn't even consider not taking it. It's almost like my parents are in denial and acting like everything is "normal."
All in all tho, good times at home. A little confusing, but I'm glad I came home. Hope ya'll had great holidays as well. As always, sorry things get a bit rambley, but I do what I want. Hope you all have a great 2016, and great 2017 and so on. I just hope ya'll do what makes you happy and do what you need to do without making excuses. Seize the day motherfuckers.