Formerly known as "The Thoughts of a Gay Mormon." I'd now consider myself a very inactive Mormon, so my thoughts are no longer from an active, practicing Mormon and I didn't want my title to be misleading. And WARNING: I write very casually and use a lot of words and slang that could be taken offensively. My words aren't intended to offend, they are just my raw thoughts put on the page.
Idk no real point to this post, just haven't posted anything in a while and have some stuff to get out. It's Christmas time and I celebrate Christmas so here's a Christmas song. I'll post a non-holiday song as well.
So I can't remember what my last post was about. I do remember posting about how I was going to tell my brother in the coming weeks, well I did and it was really anti-climactic. I mean, We were just talking about life, he'd been pretty stressed and not feeling like himself so we were talking about all that kinda stuff, and we got down to it and it turns out he's known for a while. Someone I trusted had told him. It doesn't really bother me though, I just wish he would have told me he knows sooner so I didn't have to stress out about it for months and wonder how he was going to react. Turns out he was avoiding me too because he didn't necessarily want to have that talk, not because he has issues with it, but just because it's an awkward as fuck discussion, especially with your brother you've known for 21 years... It's just weird. We both could have been spared a lot of discomfort had I known he knew, but it's whatever. It's out, he knows, we're cool. Now I can honestly say that everyone important knows.
Anywho I'm back home for Christmas, and it's weird. I ]'m stoked to get out of Utah, but at the same time being 'home' doesn't feel like home. I've lived independently for so long, and lived in Utah for three years so being with my parents is nice, but it doesn't feel like home. The biggest issue here is that my hometown is really small. Everyone knows everyone and that sorta shit. Nobody here but my parents know I'm gay. Honestly the only 2 openly gay kids in my high school both had to transfer because they were bullied so badly. This place is a fucking mess of homophobia and bigotry. I don't mind telling people I'm gay anymore, but I don't really want my whole hometown knowing. Not because I'm scared, I couldn't give two shits what these assholes think of me, but because I'm done with this life and want to move on. I just feel like the stage of my life that took place here is over, and a new me was born, a gayer me, and I'm leaving confused, scared, old me in the past and in my hometown, and there is no need to try to introduce new me to a place that has so little to do with new me. Everyone here can remember me as the good normal kid I was.
At the same time, I went to sacrament meeting with my parents on Sunday. It was my first time at a church service in about 10 months. It was fine, I fucking love Christmas programs, but I honestly don't miss going to church at all. No part of me felt bad for not having been in months. The only problem was I could feel everyone thought differently of me. I'm 21, haven't gone on a mission, etc. etc. I can tell people at my home ward talk about me and stuff, you know like the basic church gossip like "Oh why didn't he go on a mission? What did he do to prevent him from serving?" And I kinda just want to be like "Yo mofos, I'm homo." or something. Does it matter tho? I don't care that they're talking about me, fuck dude I talk about people like that all the time, but I can't decide if I want people to know what's really happening, or if I should just leave them in the dark and let them think what they want. I can't decide how important it is to me that people know I'm gay.
I've always been the kind of person who thought being gay was no big deal, I figured it was just a characteristic that influenced who I was, but didn't define who I was. That's still true, but previously I've never felt the need to address it around people. However now I find myself wanting to tell people, even if it doesn't matter to them or matter that they know. How do I know who to tell and how to tell them without coming across like a needy bitch who wants attention? I really don't want attention, I really don't want to be like a vegan who has to bring it up every 8 seconds, but for some reason I feel myself wanting to tell people. I guess I just need to figure out it what point it matters to me that people know I'm gay.
I've hung out with some of the friends I had when I was in high school, and it's weird. I feel like a whole new, better person, but I regress to old confused scared me when I'm around them. The more I write this the more I realize that I need to realize that I'm a new person and I can't be afraid to introduce old friends to new me. This is why I still write on this blog. It helps me take a step back an look at myself differently and realize things I couldn't realize without writing. I did tell one of my old friends earlier today, but it was a lady so it was low-risk. I'm hanging out with my best guy friend from high school tomorrow, I need to not give fuck and if it arises, just tell him about new me. I'm not "into" him or anything so it doesn't matter, but dudes always react weird to finding out one of their friends is gay. Idk man. We'll see what happens.
Being in my hometown just reminds me of how scared and confused and fucked up I was in highschool. I'm so glad I was able to be honest with myself and figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I feel closer to my family than ever before, and I'm glad I'm out of the terrible part of life that was high school. I'm a newer, better, stronger person and I'm thankful for that everyday.
Before we start, Branches is so hawt right now. Check it (wait for the horn, it's mad cash).
Sooooo, this week I had an "oh F---" moment.
Let me preface this story by saying that I got a new job a few months ago basically doing my hobby. Don't want to give to much away, but I love my job. There's a few catches though. All my coworkers but one are Mormon, and the current owner and one of my managers are HELLA Mormon, like shit we played one of the Saturday conference sessions on the customer tv, then closed early for the second session. anyway the Mormon stuff doesn't bother me I'm used to it, but make a note of it. Also due to politics with my job I don't want to get into, we're getting ready to move to a new manager who is 20 years old, which is one year younger than I am. It doesn't bother me, so it's no big deal, However his father is the Hella Mormon owner of the shop. Not a big deal but it contributes to the story.
Sooo to the story.
Sometimes when I feel the need I use tinder, usually with my preferences set to women only, just in case someone were to open the app on my phone, but occasionally when I'm feeling it I switch to dudes and take it seriously, but not too seriously because c'mon it's tinder lol. So anywho when I tind for ladies, it's just right swipes (like) as fast as possible, "stackin' mad chicks" as my friend puts it. So I had a friend over who just broke up with his girlfriend, and he is back on the tinder game, so I swapped to ladies and did my mad right swiping thing, and we were having a good laugh, making fake conversations with the bots on there and what not (Note: bots are the fake accounts trying to get users to go to pornsites). Anyway the friend eventually left. Before this instance I hadn't been on tinder in months, so after my friend left I got ready to go to bed, and got back on tinder, I swapped my preferences back to dudes and BAM! it's my soon to be manager. YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. What the fuck tho.
I don't know why but i got kinda messed up over seeing him on tinder? It was just awkward as hell yo I don't know why. So here's where shit escalates.
I freak the fuck out, I don't really want people at work knowing I'm gay because it doesn't matter at all. I don't want it to affect the way they treat me. So I rush and throw my preferences back to females praying that it won't show him my profile. But then I'm sitting there and start thinking about all the people (especially in provo) who view both men and women on tinder, and their bio usually says something like "not gay, just looking for friends" or some shit like that. I mean, my new manager does seem like the kinda kid who would do something like that so I swap my preference back to dudes and go on the hunt. Yo I tore through like 80 dudes before finding my manager again. Shit was intense. I open his profile and the first thing that catches my eye is "Prince Charming" and I'm thinking ok, he wants to be someones prince charming, not necessarily gay, but then I really read it and it says "just looking for my prince charming" and YOOOOOOO! damn that's some hella gay shit right there. The kick in the pants is that I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who knows. Maybe his close friends know, but I don't think his family knows and I know none of our coworkers (some of whom are his family) know. It's a lot of pressure. I don't want to fuck it up for him,
So here's the deal. I swapped back to ladies and haven't gone back. this happened about a week ago. that story got a little crazy because just thinking it brings back some intense feelings. Let me clear up any questions you may be asking now.
-Are these emotions because you like your boss?
No, I don't want to be rude but he's just not my type so that has nothing to do with the story.
-Why did you react in such a weird way, since you yourself are gay? It shouldn't be a big deal right?
No it shouldn't be a big deal, but it's not every day you find out your super Mormon boss is gay. I guess that just because I'm gay I still really haven't had to deal with other people that are close to me being gay, hence the over-reaction. It's not a big deal, but I guess I just don't know how to handle it like it's no big deal haha. I also just realized while typing this that a lot of my reaction comes from pressure I now feel to not give anything away. I don't think anyone close to him besides me and maybe some friends know. I don't want to fuck up and reveal he is gay or something.
-do you plan on doing anything about it?
Hell naw. I have been in that situation and I have deep respect for anyone in it. I know how tough it is, and it's not my place to act on it for you. He will do what he feels comfortable, tell who he feels comfortable, and do it in his own time. I don't want to do anything to affect that.
So yeah, that happened. now I'm sitting here, about to see this coworker at work tomorrow and I don't think he knows that I know he's gay. I guess the point of this story was just to get out a weird and shocking experience. I've actually only ever met one other gay person face to face, so now this coworker makes two? Makes you realize that anyone could be gay, no matter how straight they are....
But here's my real fear, now that I know my coworker/boss is gay and Mormon, he could be on here and could read this. If that's the case dude, talk to me. Just write "talk to me" on my to-do list at work or something. Or just call me a homo I don't care. But only do it if you want and are comfortable talking to me about it. If not, just act like you never read this, if you for some reason did read this.
NOTE: This whole story is a fucking mess. I'm going to go back over it tomorrow and clean it up but I gotta sleep.
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Anyway that's the story. Thought it was share worthy. But on a more personal note, I usually say things like "everyone important knows" when talking about being in or out of the closet, but I realized that I still haven't told my brother. I've been chatting with my dad, and we kinda decided I just have to tell him and how he react is what it is (He's pretty mormon, got mad and super preachy when I didn't go on a mission. Told me I was going to hell for not actively asking the bishop for a calling, that kinda stuff). I set the gears in motion tonight to tell him, so it will happen in the next week or two. Wish me luck.
One last thing, I want to switch the title of my blog. I'm pretty inactive right now and don't want to give off the idea that I'm actively Mormon anymore. Would calling my blog something to do with "Provo Homo" seem insensitive? I honestly am not a politically correct person, but I don't want to offend anyone with the title of my blog. Living in provo and being a homo do come with complications and are the stem of a lot of my posts... Just let me know.
"Anyone could be gay, no matter how straight they are" -Badger 2015
So anyway I'm sure all of ya'll have been getting blasted by this whole new D. Todd Christofferson thingy on facebook about children of same sex couples and what not. I'm not here to talk about it or to tell people how to feel about it. I can say that it doesn't bother me, I think they have the right intentions and what not, but I was reading a lot of peoples' on my facebooks opinions, and holy shit some people are just stupid. There's the one group that's like "Oh the church hates innocent children just because their parents are the same gender" and then there's the other group that is like "Good, the church needs to be harsher and less supportive of homos" and what not. I dunno man, it just seems like the church doesn't want to come between parents and children by telling children that thier parents are sinners, at least until the child us old enough to fully understand the situation. Sounds Kosher to me?
That's not the point of this post. All the opinions have really got me thinking, which isn't good. I've come out to my parents and most friends and shit, but I'm still really fucking messed up when it comes to being gay and stuff. I'm stuck between really believing the church and feeling like shit, and thinking the church is total horseshit, and feeling scared. Let me break this down. I'm still living next to BYU, and almost everyone around me is mormon. I no longer attend church, and identify as inactive. I haven't renounced the church and don't intend to, nor do I intend to have my records removed from the church. Sometimes when talking to the people around me and talking about church, I still feel it. I still feel like it's the truest damn thing I ever heard, in which case I feel terrible for not going, and for not wanting to go to church. And then I start thinking about cute girls I could take on dates, and then I feel even shittier because I don't want to date or marry a woman... So over time my mentality switches to the exact opposite. I wonder why any sentient being would put me on a planet to experience life, and then limit the hell out of my experience under penalty of eternal unhappiness. (I guess telestial or terestrial isn't necessarily unhappiness, but I want that celestial shit yo). I don't understand how wanting to be in love, something that is considered one of the best and most necessary life experiences, could be taken and held off limits for me. This train of thinking makes me scared, because it makes me think "Is there a God, is there anything after death? What is the purpose?" and that shit is super scary to think about. I don't like it.
So I'm in this lose lose situation. And I'm so fucking tired of it, but I don't know how to go about fixing it. I know I can't have the security of religion with the happiness of being gay, but there's got to be something that will satisfy me. Usually I'm fine not thinking about any of this shit, but all these stupid posts on facebook got me thinking again and it's terrible. I don't care. At all. I had no idea so many of my mormon friends thought about homosexuality at all, or even cared about it, but suddenly every dumb motherfucker on facebook has an opinion. Why? A majority of them aren't even affected by it. I've never read so many bigoted comments from both sides of the spectrum.
I just don't know what to think or how to feel anymore. I just drown my feelings and thoughts in other activities, like sports, or now that it's cold outside, videogames. I feel like I'm not progressing or doing anything constructive, but fuck, at least I'm not thinking about how shitty of a situation I'm in. I don't really know the point of this post, I just had to vent. Sorry for the incoherent mess that is my thoughts. Time to go try to give myself diabetes from those delicious Costco cookies, and get some sleep. Hopefully this whole thing will blow over and I can get back to not worrying about it. I know that not worrying about it or even thinking about it may seem like a bad idea or a bad plan, but for now it's the only thing keeping me sane, so I'm going to ride this train till something drastic happens.
Lol it's been so long since I've posted I got a shitton of good music to post, I can't decide which song to go with. I guess this song since I been jammin' to it a lot lately
Ok so here's the skinny. I haven't posted one of these bitches in a while. There's a lot of reasons why, but here's the two big reasons why...
1. I was using this blog to try to help get rid of my depression. I was in a dark place and had nobody to talk to and nothing to do but stew in my own negative thoughts and used this blog as an attempt to fight it. I'm in a much better place now, I have a job I love and lots of good friends (not out to many of them but lol whatever) and I'm not as classically depressed as I was before (I still have bad days and shit tho) so I have little need to blog.
2. Making this blog public may have been a mistake. I used to have no cares as to what I said or how I said it, I used to just say "fuck it" and post whatever I needed to vent in whatever way I felt like at the time. After I made this blog public and got added to MOHO I received a lot of support and stuff for my blog which was great, but at the same time I'd like to think being public doesn't affect what I say, but even I know I'm just lying to myself. I can't help it, but when I know others and going to see my work I do things differently. I always have. Alone I dress like a fuckin' savage, idgaf what I look like, but when I go anywhere where people will see me I have to shower and dress presentable and do my hair and shit. It drives my family nuts. "Just throw on your slippers lets go!" followed by "No, let me get dressed it'll just take a minute or two" is commonplace in my family. Anyway that same concept happened with my blog and it made writing less relieving.
So here's why I'm writing now.... I'm in a better place, and just because I don't have much depression to vent anymore doesn't mean I shouldn't write. I feel like just getting my feelings out can help others that are in places I used to be. Plus I think writing is hella fun. So I'm going to try to write more and get more shit posted.
Another idea I've been toying with is slightly becoming more and more public, because at the end of the day it doesn't matter if I'm gay or not, or if people know or not. I'm the same person either way, Why do I need to hide it? I've seen a lot of stuff about people who are openly gay at BYU or openly gay Mormons and I envy their courage. That shit takes massive balls man. Idk I guess I'm kinda playing with this idea because I want to be fully out and not have to give a shit anymore, but unfortunately I kinda give a shit. Well I'm just playing with this idea so we'll see whether it happens or not.
Here's the "gay theme" if you want to call it that this post.
I recently texted another gay kid at BYU. we talked and really got along and could totally relate to each other, and I suggested meeting up and talking in person (I have no intentions of hooking up, I just want a friend I can talk to about gay shit who actually understands it). He seemed totally down with the idea at first, but then backed out last second with some bullshit message about "This isn't what I want, I can't do this or live this way.. blah blah blah." Like you wtf man, I just wanted to talk. Fucking chill. Why do people think that all gay dudes wanna do is get their noodle wet? Fawk that man. But even more important than that, it pains me to see this guy scared of himself. I guess one of my issues with the church is that it creates an environment where if you are different you are taught to be scared of yourself and your emotions and not to face them, which leads to so many fucked up issues down the road. Luckily I was able to somehow force myself to get over what I had been taught and to face my gay demons (That sounds hardcore tho) and now I'm in a much better place. I'm not saying I'm special or super strong willed or anything, but some people are taught harder and can't overcome the deep seated hatred of themselves that the church instills and they can't face their gay demons, and it totally fucks them up. The guy I was talking to was super nice, but he seemed really weird at the same time, Like he was doing a drug deal or some terrorist shit just by talking to me. I'm not the bad guy in this situation I just want to help people, and in turn help myself with what I'm facing in life, but I can't do that because people get so caught up on what the church wants us to be they can't even think about what they really are. I dunno man... It makes me sad.
So that seems really negative towards the church, and it's not really intended to be. I love the gospel, I think the church does a lot of great things, but it is a terrible environment for young gay people to grow up in. This is my opinion, but I feel like I was taught growing up to hate myself and to shun my gay side and hide the fuck outta it like hiding jews during the holocaust. That's a really racy comparison, but it fits. Sorry I'm being a bit vulgar, but I feel really strongly about this. A lot of my issues stem from the fact that I still kinda hate the gay inside me, and feel like it's awful and makes me an unworthy human being. I don't blame the church for it, but the church environment, The culture and the teachers I had and that sorta shit.
So anyway I just want people to know there is nothing wrong with facing your gay demons, It has helped me so much, it's helped me feel better about myself and become a better person. It's hard to do, I know, but I promise if you man up and do it, you won't regret it. I pains me to see people scared of themselves. Don't be. You are who you are and that won't change, so fucking own it. You are awesome, and have nothing to hide.
Ok so I have a cold and am tired so this is a bit ramble-y and I apologize, so here's funny pun to send ya'll off.
So here's the song. No explanation needed, I just like it.
Well so at this point I'm out to most people that matter, and it feels great, but I've entered into a state of complete confusion. Like before I was out I was only allowed to think one way, but now that I can do what I want and be who I want, I don't really know what I want. I mean, it's become pretty apparent to me recently that it would be hard for me to be happy with a woman, and with the support of my parents and the weight of having to go to BYU off my shoulders, I think I'm ready to try dating who and what I want. The issue is that in my life I've always avoided dating due to a lack of interest or inability to date the people I want. Because of this I don't know how to date, or better yet how to get a date. I'm not sure Provo is the best place to learn the how to's of dating, but I really
like it here. I don't know if I should stay in Provo, if I should even go right back to school or take some time off, or what. All these issues are hitting me at once and I have no idea what to do about it. It's created a lot of confusion for me.
I think the real issue is that I'm dying to date someone. I really want the whole relationship deal, like caring about someone and having them care about me, and being connected to them more than just a friend (I'm not saying sex). I have just wanted that for a while now, and all the questions I'm asking myself that I mentioned above affect this desire to be in a relationship, and it's killing me.
I asked an engaged friend what the hell he was doing, like fuckin' a we're 20 years old man why is he getting engaged already, and his reply changed the way I've looked at relationships forever. He said something to the effect of "We'll I guess I found someone I want to hang out with more than anyone else. I'd rather sit and do homework with her, than play Halo with the boys ya know?" And like damn son that changed everything. I want to find someone that I want to hang out with like that you know? Someone that I care about so deeply.
So anywho due to not letting myself be gay up to this point I'm helplessly lost when it comes to dating or fuck even flirting? I was talking to a guy, semi-romantically and shit he was smooth man I was blushing and shit, but I had no idea how to respond or anything. I guess other than that there's no real point to this post. I just wanted to get it off my chest because it's frustrating as shit that I want nothing more than to be in a relationship but have no idea how to go about it.
Welp other than that life is plugging along I'm doing pretty well. It seems the depression is slowly lifting, some days it's really bad others it's not but I have noticed it's steadily getting better. I have a pretty close group of friends who all know I'm gay now, and it's hella awesome like I have a lot more fun now and can just be myself. All in all life is getting better and I'm pretty happy for once.
SOooo I've got more shit to post about so look for some new stuff coming soon.
Instead of doing a funny picture to end things here's a funny youtube video. I laughed wayyyyyy to hard at this.
Whenever I get really confused I say "Dude like I don't even know man" and it used to piss my mom off. She was like "I'm your mom, not dude, and definitely not man..." Anywho, the title is slightly fitting because I'm really confused about what to title this entry haha. Anyway I heard of a South African rap rave group a few years ago called Die Antwoord (pronounced: Dee Ant-voort) and liked them a bit but thought they were really strange. So I recently saw the movie Chappie and the two singers in Die Antwoord are two of the main characters, and a lot of their music is featured. I liked what I heard so I went home and looked them up. They're actually pretty cool people, even though their music is really really "out there." so I thought I'd post one of their songs to start. NOTE: IT'S EXTREMELY VULGAR AND HAS INAPPROPRIATE THEMES. It's good for getting pumped though:
Here's another amazing song from a group I been listening to a lot lately. This one is clean and more like the music I usually post. This will be long so two songs because I can.
So here we go. Shortly after my last post I realized I wasn't acting like myself. Last year I had an 8am Class I hated, and would wake up like 15 minutes before class started, and be like "Oh shit I gotta go!" and I'd spring up, get dressed, grab a muffin and run to class. I hate missing class. I could do that every day for a week on 3-4 hours of sleep a night. This semester however, I have a 10am class I really like, and I'll wake up with half an hour to get there, with 6-7 hours of sleep and I'd think "Alright let's do this, gotta go to class..." but then I'd get back in bed and go back to sleep. I didn't want to but mentally I couldn't force myself to get up. At first I thought I was being lazy, but I just didn't have the strength to face the day. After that I noticed I lost interest in tons of things. Friends would invite me to do things I love and I just wouldn't go with them, no excuse. And it's not like I was skipping stuff to stay home and watch netflix or play video games or something, I'd just lay in bed or sit at the table and think about how bad I'm fucking up my life and how there's no hope for me. I then realized that I may be clinically depressed. I consulted a friend who has been diagnosed and has been dealing with severe clinical depression for a while, and she told me I was explaining exactly how her depression started.
It's crazy, last semester I found a statistic that said 70-80% of all LGBT students at BYU develop depression at some point (not sure if develop is the right word but it gets the point across). When I read it I was like "haha bitches life is good I ain't getting depression" but damn do I regret saying that. It's like everything finally caught up with me. I finally grew some testes and went it and talked to my bishop. I told him I thought I had depression and he asked me some questions and told me it's not uncommon for college kids to get it. I then told him I liked dudes. The first thing he said after I told him was "Well that definitely is a factor of the depression then eh?" We had a good talk, tried to figure some things out, and I went on my way. We agreed I should tell my dad and see what he wanted to do about it (Get off campus medical help, or go to BYU's free mental health center). I put it off for a week or two, but finally I was talking to my dad and asked if he was free later that night, because I had something serious to talk about. He got nervous and asked if I'd done anything wrong, I said no and told him I'd call him later.
That night I called my dad up and the first thing he said was "What's wrong just tell me?" I don't really remember what I said but I awkwardly told him I thought I was depressed. He asked some basic questions, I explained how I was feeling, and he agreed I probably have an issue. He asked me how classes were going (grade wise) and I said not great. This was my biggest fear. All my life my parents have put a lot of emphasis and pressure on getting good grades. I remember my first C in college. Me mum made is seem like the world was ending. I got yelled at a bit for it. I was terrified of telling my parent's that my grades were suffering from this depression. After I told him it wasn't going well he calmly explained that if need be I could withdraw from the semester, but that we should talk about it a bit first. It was a huge relief. I could finally stop worrying about my parents reaction when I dropped that bomb on them and focus on fixing myself (getting myself back to the way I was). He then moved on to ask me what could be causing the depression. I told him about the academic pressure that the school causes, and also the pressures I feel from him and my mom, and the pressure they put on me and how it affects me. He told me that he and my mother were ok with me not doing well, and that they would support me and help me if I needed to take a semester or two off. He asked if there was anything else contributing, and I mentioned I had some personal issues that I was working through with the bishop that were obviously contributing. He asked me what they were, but I explained it was extremely personal and I'd rather not talk about it. He asked for hints or ideas, and I told him it wasn't a sin or I wasn't in trouble, but I had some stuff I needed to figure out. That ended the conversation.
It was a huge step in the right direction. We came up with a plan to get me in to see a professional, and it took a huge weight off my shoulders. It allowed me to focus more on fixing the depression, instead of how to tell my parent's I'm not doing well/how to hide the fact that I'm not doing well in school. I was blown away by my father response. I got started on the plan we made, and then rolled along this weekend. I went out and had some fun with friends Friday and Saturday, and Sunday my dad asked if I'd be free to Skype. I knew he wanted to follow up with what we had talked about, so I told him when a good time was, and Skyped him Sunday afternoon. My mom was sitting with him, and they got straight into talking about how I was feeling. At first it felt a bit accusatory but after a minute my mom cleared the air and said she wasn't accusing me of anything and she wasn't mad. The tone in her voice was concern.
My mom has always been a bit crazy (in a good way) where if things aren't going her way or the way she had planned, she makes them go her way, and for my brother and I that was always punishment or yelling or nagging till things were going how she wanted. A few times my mom had threatened to take away the financial support she was giving me. Before I came to college my parents made me the deal that if I could pay for school and my everyday expenses (food and what not) that they would pay for housing. They didn't mind helping me pay for food (they weren't going to let me starve) but wanted me to cover most of it. Sounded like a deal to me, and that's the way it's worked since freshman year. Over the years as issues with grades have arisen my mom has used taking away their support in paying for my housing as motivation for me to get things back on track. It was a huge relief when this time, when I was actually in a bad situation, she really just cared for me and didn't bring up money or anything at all. I could tell she really just wanted the best for me.
We talked a lot about therapy and stuff, and withdrawing from school, and then we got back onto the causes of the depression. My parents were incessant on knowing the reasons. I kept just talking about school and stuff, but noted my personal issues that I was working out with the bishop. They asked what my personal issues were and I said I'd really rather not talk about it. They asked if I was in trouble or had done anything wrong. I said no, and they told me that if that's the case I had nothing to fear. Now being completely honest I told them to wait a sec and ran to my bathroom and tried to phone up one of my really good friends to get his advice. Unfortunately there was no answer, so I quickly checked to make sure nobody could hear me, and walked back to my computer with no idea what to do.
Here's the thing, I'm a pretty tough person. I can't remember the last time I cried. In the last 2 years I've broken 3 bones, had surgery on one, and severely fractured the inside of my knee with no tears. I walked myself to the hospital close to half a mile with a destroyed collar bone without shedding a single tear. However as I sat down I couldn't handle it. I mean, to save my image it wasn't like a full on cry, but yo I was tearing up pretty bad and ya I was pretty much crying. I'm sure some of you have felt it before but all the pressure and everything was hanging on this moment. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how my parents would react (check some of my old posts to see how homophobic my parents were growing up) and I just was terrified.
I sat back down and voiced my want to not share my personal issues. My Mom got a bit mad and said "At this point if you don't tell us I'll be more mad at you that anything you possible could just tell me." So I decided to just go for it. I'm not good at breaking the new to people, so I said "Well, you guys get on me for not dating, what if I had a reason for not dating?" and my parents were like what is it? So I said it was a lack of interest. My dad said "That's no big deal you don't have to date..." and I said "Well I want to date.... just...." and my dad was like "Oh a lack of interest in women?" and I nodded, and my dad asked "But you are interested... in guys?" to which I nodded again. At that moment it was out. The secret I'd hid from my parents for nearly 10 years was out. They now knew everything about me. I was terrified of the reaction (I honestly thought my mom wouldn't believe it/try to fix me) but the first thing said was by my mother, who said to my father "Oh so like, gay?"
It makes me laugh thinking about it now, but that was the first thing said after I "came out" to my parents. We had a really good talk, and quite frankly I'm still blown away by how understanding my parents were. I don't know what i expected really, but man it was way better than I ever could have hoped for. We discussed leaving BYU (I likely will) leaving the church (I probably won't right now) and things of that nature. It was amazing. To end my dad said "Well you are the way you are and there's no changing that. So be yourself, and decided what will honestly make you happy. If it's leaving BYU and/or the church, then so be it. We just want you to be happy and do what is best for you." Holy shit man I mean... I'm still speechless.
So that happened like a few days ago and I'm still just blown away. I feel free. I feel like I can finally talk to my parents. I'm hiding noting. I have a good friend that wants to move in with me in the summer, and I yoloed and told him everything I was dealing with (don't want a friend to find out after living with me for a few months that I'm gay, because then there's potential for it to go really bad). He was super chill though and said nothing would change. It's just a huge relief to see that people still love me and support me. Growing up I thought if people found out I'd be disowned and excommunicated and all my friends would want to burn me, which I know is unreasonable but it's always made me scared to tell people. I mean, I just keep lifting weights off my shoulders this week it feels awesome.
Now I owe a lot to a buddy of mine who's on his mission. I emailed him about all my issues and my fears about talking to my parents and he said (and this is straight outta his email) "I love you [name], and if you can pray for the strength to talk to your dad I would do it, I think its a good idea to talk to him, I know he loves you and will want to help you too, just go for it." Me and this friend have a history of doing crazy shit together, and when I was scared to do something he'd just say "Dude just do it, yolo mate, no balls." at the end of the email when he says "just go for it" it was like he was there joking with me saying "no balls dude do it." That probably doesn't mean much to other people, but that can get me to do just about anything, and it worked here. Gotta thank my friend for the motivation to do this.
Well this entry has been written over 3 days, and is really long, gets a bit ramble-ish but I had to get it out. There's still a lot more I need to write but give me a few days. I'm going to start posting more to hopefully help get some shit off my chest and get me out of this depressed state I seem to be in.
Now to end on a lighter note ya'll have to see the movie The Kingsmen. it's an over the top spy movie about the british secret service, but man the british kills me they're all like "Don't even fink about showin ya face in here again bruv, get out ya pleb" and it's just super funny to hear them talk. great movie. 10/10 would reccomend.
So there you have it, I'm out to my parents and am trying to figure out where to go from here, but for now I feel great. Sorry for the long post, here's some funny pictures to make it up.
(that's exactly what someone who does cocaine would say...)
Soooo, hope ya'll like banjo. Shout out to a friend who just showed me a song that is 4 minutes of Banjo!
Anywho shit's getting really weird in my life right now. A week or so ago my Bishop told my brother he was worried about my ecclesiastical endorsement, which for those of you who don't go to BYU is a letter from one's bishop stating they are well in the church (worthy and have good attendance) and would do well at BYU. without an endorsement you can't go to BYU. So basically I'm not going to my ward enough to get a new endorsement for next year. I go to a friends ward a lot (it meets later in the day, and I sleep through my ward a lot) but you're supposed to go to your assigned ward to count towards your endorsement. So now everyone in the ward is being super inviting and stuff which is nice but it's kinda obnoxious, and my parents found out so they're calling my brother who is apparently spying on me and getting information on what I'm doing and when. So last Sunday I slept through priesthood (my church is backwards, it goes priesthood first, sacrament last) but I woke up in time for sunday school and while I was walking there I got a super angry voice mail from me mum about how I wasn't in church. She called my brother and he told on me haha. Now I gotta be even more careful to makes sure nothing like this blog gets back to me, but at the same time I feel like my parents might understand me more if they knew I was gay.
Anyway I went and had a meeting with my bishop and we talked about life and my endorsement and stuff, and it went well. My bishop is a great guy. I scheduled another meeting with him this week where I'm going to tell him I'm gay see what he says. I'm not saying I'm trying to "overcome" being gay, but I like to hear what people think and get opinions on what to do. Plus it might help him understand why I sometimes sleep through church (I'm usually just not motivated enough to get up for church, which is why I go to my friends ward at 1pm). I love the church but sometimes it's hard to go...
Also, on a brighter note, I got a girlfriend haha. I went and visited a friend from my freshman year, and she asked about my dating life, and I told her it was non-existent and asked her about hers, which was a little lack-luster. She asked "how come we've never dated each other?" to which I had no response so she asked if I'd be her boyfriend. I was happy to say yes, so I guess I have a girlfriend now. Shortly after one of her roommates made a joke about how she turns all of her boyfriends gay, and I thought "shit she only been dating me for five minutes and I'm gay." We had a good laugh, but after her roommates went to bed I told her the truth. She was super cool about it and agreed to stay my girlfriend haha. It was a good night all in all.
So the tinder story from a while back is heating up like crazy. That's the things that's causing the most craziness in my life right now. One night when I have more time I'll defo write all about it, but it's far too late for how long that will take right now.
Also, I took down my most recent post (before this one). It was a little to serious for my taste and gave away more about me than I wanted. We'll just pretend it never happened haha.
So occasionally I like party/dance music to get pumped for sports and stuff, and I just found this song and for some reason I love it. It's obviously a drinking song, but whatever.
Anywho so a while back I mentioned those flashes I get where I can imagine being with another man and being insanely happy. Well tonight while procrastinating I was on Facebook and some pictures came across my feed. The pictures were of a friend who is an avid mountain biker (the crazy kind where you do jumps and ride off cliffs) and he had taken his wife to an indoor biking complex and challenged her to jump a bike into a giant airbag. He yells encouraging things as she undertakes the task, and yells in joy when she does it safely. You can really feel the love he feels for her as she does the jump. It made me think about how I would feel if my significant other was undertaking a similar task. It's hard to explain because I don't really know what my significant other looked like, but it was a man, and the nervousness and excitement and love I felt as he was going to do a potentially dangerous task was amazing. It was a brief moment of total love and excitement and joy. It's hard to explain, but it's amazing. Just felt the need to get that out there.
I gotta go to bed it's getting late, just wanted to write about that experience I had today. It was pretty great.
My goodness I really do suck at titles. Anyway Now I'm listed on the MOHO listing so I thought I'd do a pretty basic post, just about myself. To this point only a few friends (and maybe some random people) have read my blog so I haven't cared to give a brief overview of myself, but now that people That don't know me but that I care about will read this it's time. Continuing on my theme of giving you songs to listen to as you read here you go, this one is one of my all time favorite songs:
Alright here we go:
Note: will be vague, I want to remain 100% anonymous
Age: 20
School: BYU
Major: Engineering of some flavor
Siblings: only one brother
Home state: Nevada
Places lived: Nevada, San Diego, and one summer in Peru
Favorite Movie: Dredd for action, Anchorman for Comedy, Nitro Circus 3d for everything else
Favorite Book: Airborne by Kenneth Oppel
Favorite Music: I like instrumental like Explosions in the Sky and Collapse Under the Empire, but I mostly listen to Indie/Bluegrass like The Rural Alberta Advantage, The Oh Hellos, Friendly Savages, etc. I like music.
Favorite TV show: Parenthood for serious stuff, Archer for comedy, Futurama for everything else
Favorite Color: Gray ("but that's not a color!") so purple.
Favorite Quote: I can handle pain until it hurts
Embarrassing story: One time I went to a movie and the ticket seller told me to enjoy the movie and I said "you too."
Umm I'm out of things, so here's a llist of things I found online. If you're bored of this skip past all these and I'll have some real stuff down there.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? No.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I don't remember.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? I wish I cared?
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Roast Beast.
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? No.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Nahhhhhh.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? I have no idea. I think so.
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? In a heartbeat.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? It changes. Usually Cinnamon toast crunch.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? You should be asking if I tie my shoes at all....
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? No.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Anything Chocolate.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Smile.
15. RED OR PINK? Gray.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? How little I care about things.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My Grandma.
19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Tan leather bby.
20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Microwavable Pizza.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The Decemberists. The Infanta
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Laser Lemon (126 pack bby)
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Garlic.
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My hometeaching companion.
25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE? Mountain.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Supercross.
27. HAIR COLOR? Some call it Strawberry Blonde, other call me a ginger.
28. EYE COLOR? Hazel.
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? All day 'erry day.
30. FAVORITE FOOD? Meat.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Comedy.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Selma.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? Why not both?
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? Anything Chocolate.
37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO? Netflix? But really cardio.
38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION? Computer.
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? None right now
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don't have a mouse pad. I use the couch arm.
42. FAVORITE SOUND? Rain.
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Peru?
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I'm pretty fearless, somewhat artistic, very creative.
46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? San Diego.
47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW? Provo Utah.
48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? Brick.
49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR? Red.
50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS? If I didn't would I be doing this? Anyway hope that helps you get a to know me a bit better. Here's the real stuff you're probably wondering: Realizing I was gay: I always kinda thought I was, About 12 years old in a sex ed class I got the idea I might be, but being Mormon I just tried not to be. I tried to convince myself I was "normal." Freshman year of college is when I started accepting it. Have I told anyone: 4 friends, all really close, it was really hard telling each one of them. Do my parents know: Hell naw, maybe one day. Did I serve a Mission: Not yet. It's not looking like I will but you never know. Dating or anything: I wish. I'm laying low while at BYU Quick self description: I'm super chill, like mellow, but I like to have fun. I'm quiet till you get to know me. I'm an adrenaline junky. I dress/act like a skater. I'm pretty basic really. Not much too me. I just want to have fun with life. My name is Rod and I like to Party. This has been a long enough and boring enough post. If you want to take time and read through some of my older posts (my titles aren't useful, I'm terrible at titles) there's some fun stuff. My second post (I think) deals with me coming to terms with being gay and the church and stuff. It's a good one. I actually have a few posts dealing with me "coming out" to a friend. If you have any advice, suggestions, anything let me know. I always end with a funny picture:
I think Imma start dropping songs at the start of entries for you guys to listen to as you read what I have to say. Just optional music that I like, because I can. If you don't wanna listen to it you don't have to.
So I just found MOHO, which is like a directory for gay Mormon blogs, and I think I'm going to try to get mine listed on there. I read a few of the blogs on there and noticed that most of them are very formal, almost philosophical at times, asking deep questions and provoking deep thoughts about what it's like to be a gay Mormon, and I'm just sitting here like "awww damn I'm way to casual for that" but I think it could be a refreshing view for people to read. This is just like my pure uncensored thoughts and feelings written as casually as possible. I know I prefer reading stuff like this over the super formal stuff, so we'll see what happens. I need a better name for this blog though haha. It's currently titled "The Thoughts of a Gay Mormon" Which is like how can I possibly make it more bland? Seriously it's a straightforward boring name. Seeing that that's not who I am, I want a more appropriate name. I've thought of calling this blog "The Homo Momo" (Momo being slang for Mormon) but not too many people use Momo and it can be taken offensively so I opted out of that name haha.
On a much less gay note I went and saw American Sniper and it was fantastic! I highly recommend it to anyone. I know it's rated R, but if you can get over that it's a great movie to watch and really makes you appreciate the military and what they have to go through to keep us safe. Also watch the TV show archer it will change your life. It's hilarious.
P.S. black twitter is the best.
Anywho if I do get added to MOHO expect some general stuff coming soon just to clear up some stuff to random people who may read this.
But I'm learning Italian now! I have a good friend who can speak fluently and I want to be able to at least kinda communicate with him when he get's home from Italy, and I'd also like to study abroad there, so I'm using duolingo to try to learn. I'll probably take an Italian class or two over spring/summer semesters. We'll see what happens.
Sooooooo, here's what's happening with me lately. I found a dope ass band called Beta Radio... Check them out. Chill ass music. Love it. Anywho on a slightly gayer note I just watched a video where some fraternal twins just came out to their father on the phone. It was crazy how emotional it was for them. I felt so much for them as they painfully told their father they were gay. I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the response of their father. Unfortunately the title of the article I clicked on kind of ruined the suspense, but as their father muddled through his first words after the gay bomb was dropped, I could feel the tension as the twins had no idea what their father was going to say. It was really weird watching it, like I was thinking "man they are so brave, I can't imagine having to sit there and wonder how a reaction was going to go, it's crazy" and then shortly after I was like "shit I'm gay..." Like while watching it it felt so foreign to me, like I had never been through anything even slightly related, but I have.
It's super hard to explain like after watching it I was like "Aww that was cute... I'm glad I'll never have to do that." but then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I just thought "Aww dammit, I will have to do that, I've done similar stuff. I'm gay dammit." Like idk do you ever see people with the same problems you have and you're kinda like "Shit I'm glad I'm not them that suckkkssss haha bitches!" but then you realize that you do/are going through what they are and the realization hits you and it sucks and you realize you're a bitch too? I'm kinda rambling now but I don't really care at all.
Anyway that's what's happening. As far as Tinder story goes I've talked to someone about it and I'm going to slip the note, but with the new semester I don't see the dude anymore so I need to figure out when he works haha. Stalker mode engaged. We'll see what happens.
Here's a fantastic song for ya'll:
And I'll leave you with a funny picture. If you don't watch Archer you should:
Here's a tidbit I've never said to anyone ever. It's going to get pretty gay just so you know so if by chance you know me and don't want to see the super gay side of me now might be a time to back out haha.
I've been watching the show parenthood (I watched up to the last season, then school got in the was so I'm just starting the final season). Being a very family oriented show it makes me think about family. A lot. Spoiler ALERT--- The dad/grandpa just got out of the hospital and it made me think about my own father going to the hospital, and how I would handle it. It makes me think a lot, about my relationships with my family members and such, but also with relationships I hope to garner in the future. Now being Mormon I try my hardest not to think about this because I'm supposed to marry a woman and replenish the earth, but lately it's been hard. I have these weird flashes when I hear songs or watch a video or something, and its just a feeling or an idea that comes to me seemingly from nowhere. These feelings/ideas/thoughts are all about me and another man. It's not a set person or anything, but all I know is it's a guy. and I'm excited to be with him and he's handsome and I'm genuinely happy. After this bouts come and pass It's back to normal. it's really hard for me to sit down and picture being with another man, whether it be dating or marriage. I've been trained not to think about it, or think about it negatively, so it's hard for me to imagine it in a positive way at any given time. During these flashes though, it's completely different. It's what I'm pretty sure I know I want, and it's like my brain is telling me "yo this is what you want" but because social pressures and stuff I can't imagine it on my own.
When I think about marriage or even steady dating it's like whatever. It's always me and a cute girl, and I like her, but it's just that. Then I try to think about the same thing with a guy, and it's awkward like I don't know how. During these flashes though it feels amazing to think about these things. I recently had a flash. I was trying to nap as my brother took his turn driving us home for Christmas, and a song came on. It's a freaking perfect song, it's soft, but fun, and feels like warmth and summer (which makes sense since the song is called June Hymn) and during the song thoughts of a wedding came to my head. I was excited and anxious. It was my wedding with another guy. I felt warm and loved, but best of all I felt happy. It's weird for me. Sure I'm a happy person, but I rarely feel really truly happy. I feel good a lot, even great sometimes, but sine highschool when I started feeling like shit for my gay thoughts and feelings I don't get that sense of true excitement and happiness too much, especially when it comes to relationships. But in my mind, thinking about that song, and my wedding, and stuff It was just pure unadulterated happiness (not sure if unadulterated makes sense there but I do what I want... EDIT just looked it up, and it hella makes sense yo!).
The only reason I write this is because watching parenthood one of the couple (I think gramma and grampa) were getting really close and showing that they really loved and cared for another, and the thought of myself doing the same think came up, and I was caring for another guy. I felt love, and peace, and happiness. It feels great like I really enjoy these feelings when they hit me. It makes me wonder if the dilemma I'm faced with isn't as hard as I'm making it. Gives me stuff to think about.
Anyway first day of school just went off, it was boring. This semester will be hard, but I can do it. Gotta catch some Z's now fools. Here's a sloth because I can.
So it's my last night of vacation, and I'm not ready for it to end, so I'm stalling going to bed by typing this. I thought I would explain why I say "that's gay" and other similar things that can be construed as negatively using words meaning homosexual.
Basically, when I was in junior high and early highschool I was an uptight bitch. Like I was super serious especially when it came to school work, and didn't goof off at all. I quickly realized I had very few friends, and my brother was coming home with new friends every day. I looked closely at my brothers character, and then at myself. Why did he have friends and I didn't? Well it was because he was fun and I wasn't.
After I noticed that I started trying to change my personality. I realized I could take school seriously, but be a more loose and relaxed person. It was a matter of attitude. Just because I work hard and take my work seriously didn't mean I had to be uptight all the time. I could chill and crack jokes while doing my work ya know? Anywho about this time I really started looking more at character traits and attributes people had that made the fun to be around. One thing that I noticed as an instant turn off is when people were easily offended. I became a pretty crude person, and when people were easily offended it was like "damn bitch lighten up" and I didn't ever want to talk to them.
So I looked at what made me offended by things. I was offended because things were mean? But what made them mean? There were a lot of reasons that I thought made things "mean" but what it really boiled down to is how I received things. Someone could say "you look good today" and I could take it as a compliment, or I could be all like "bitch I only look good? Why don't I look great are you calling me fat and ugly?" like really I realized it's possible to be offended by anything. And I mean literally anything. But what would being offended get me? Nothing besides the reputation as a bitch, and it wouldn't make people want to hang out with me. So I decided that if being offended gets me nothing, why do it?
It took a while, but I learned to just not be offended. I've had people say pretty mean things about me, but I was like "whatever?" That really is the best word I learned to use in highschool. Just because some dick in highschool calls me a "pussy ass bitch" doesn't mean it's true. It's only true if I believe it or allow it to get to me. So just don't? It's that easy. Just don't let what people say get to you. I learned to be who I was and be proud of it, and not let the things others say affect me.
Now because of this realization I am no longer offended by really anything. I also quickly learned that laughter is the one thing that can make a day instantly better. There is no downside to laughter, so I find humor in everything I do. Once my mum and I had to spread manure over my front lawn to fertilize the grass we had/were going to plant, and it sucked. I could have just had a bad attitude and had no fun, but instead I climbed the biggest stack of manure out there and yelled "I'm king of crap!" and made me mum laugh and I laughed and tons of poop/crap jokes ensued, and we actually had a good time. Over time this ability to find humor in anything has gotten a bit out of hand to the point where I can laugh at anything. I can laugh at 9/11 or a funeral, or pretty much anything people think is terrible. To me there is no "too soon" for jokes. Joking about 9/11 won't make it worse, it won't make more or less people die that tragic day, but laughing makes my day better, so why not laugh about it? Some people think it's a bad ability to have, but I like it.
Anyway when I realized I was gay, I just applied this to being gay. I make gay jokes all the time (to my friends who know). That why on this blog I'll say things like "_____ is pretty gay" or "all the homo." It's not because I really am that gay or anything, but because I can joke about myself. Being gay (and mormon) sucks, but if I can make it funny or fun at all I will. So if people are reading this and you think I'm weird because I say odd things about being gay, it's because I'm having fun with it. I don't intend to offend anyone.
To end on a lighter note (this is not my convo, found it on the internet):
Just made my blog public, and it got one view, so I made it private again. You one lucky bastard got a closer look into my life than anyone else ever has.
Anywho with crimmus break drawing to a close I'm nervous and pissed, but a little excited. I'm nervous because school is a bitch, and pissed because school is a bitch, but excited because it's easier to be gay when I'm not living with my parents haha. Also, I'm about to yolo and bust a move on the tinder story whether it turns out bad or good I don't really care (I started saying yolo ironically and I'm sad to say it stuck). I'm also nervous because I'm going to talk to the friend I just told in person, and who knows how that will go. Damn Ron Burgundy really summed up my feelings right now when he so passionately yelled "I'm in a glass case of emotion!" Oh well. I'm going to hang out with some good friends tomorrow and then I'm driving home Sunday. Hopefully I don't get pulled over again. I can't use Christmas to get me out of a ticket anymore.
I'll probably make my blog public again soon. so If you do see this let me know your feelings on my blog please. Is it good/fun to read, or am I a nutjob?
Here's my reaction if you say mean things about my blog.
