anywho I know I promised the Gay tinder story this time, but I have a shorter idea because I still have some homework to get done, and Gay tinder is going to take a long time to write, and it's still developing, like I'm in the middle of some shit I should likely resolve before delving into that story.
I wanted to talk about my swearing. I get a shit-ton of dirty looks here at BYU for it, but it's like yolo I do what I want. Basically one summer my family took a trip down to San Diego (I lived there quite some time) from Nevada to visit old friends and stuff. This was either the summer before 7th grade, or the one before 8th grade (Junior High bby!). Anywho my dad had a military shindig so we stayed out in the hotel on North Island on the base, which was like 100 feet from the beach. Being beach lovers me and my brother were out there constantly. At one point me mum was in the hotel and my bro and I were alone on the beach. He asked me if I ever swore, and I was like "yeah when I get really mad I'll think like the A word or something." He asked if I was being for real, then admitted he swore like a sailor when he was alone.
He told me he asked our home ward bishop why swearing was a sin. The bishop replied that it was the offence intended in the word that was the sin, not the word itself. So my brother proposed the idea that if I wasn't offended and he wasn't offended, swearing to each other wasn't a sin. My want to be cool and edgy overtook me, and I said "Fuck" out loud for the first time ever that day. Shit got a bit wild after that, some gnarly swearing storms to each other (always out of fun, not anger or anything cuz that was a sin). We eventually got over the initial excitement of swearing, and things mellowed out.
some time later my bro asked me if I swore in front of people. I admitted to using not bad bad words like piss and hell and fag (I had no idea what it meant at the time lol) but never anything BAD or anything. I did swear like a sailor in private, but not to other people. About freshman year of highschool, I made a mormon friend who swore pretty heavily. I always avoided it, but it I was never bothered by it so we got along really well. Here's where things get a little weird.
I now know the cause of this, but I started feeling bad, and gross, and almost unworthy in the eyes of the church for a while. The weird thing was I had no reason at all to feel like that. Sure I was a punk, but I never did anything bad. At this point in highschool I was hanging out with mormons mostly, or other good kids, and avoided trouble at all costs. So why did I feel bad? It didn't feel right, so I began swearing in front of my friends (them only, nobody else was to know) to almost give myself a reason to feel bad. As the years went on, the feelings got worse, and my swearing grew. I began including the F word in my everyday speech, I quit watching what I said in front of other people, I was really only careful around mormons, because I didn't want anyone telling me mum haha. By senior year though I had quit caring altogether, and was swearing in front of mormon teachers who were on the high council with my dad. Crazy stuff.
I made one other mormon friend who swore with me, but lost my original swearing mormon friend. Other than that I hung out with non-mormons, but still good kids. I'm still great friends with a few highschool kids, but I quit hanging out with mormons altogether in highschool because of this unworthy feeling.
I now know that feeling was my gay thoughts and stuff. They were always there, and they made me feel unworthy, inadequate, and dirty. I legitimately hated myself for a majority of highschool and had no idea why. I really think that if I hadn't gown up thinking that being gay was the root of all evil, I may have never picked up such an awful swearing habit. Now I embrace it, and use it to filter out all the obnoxious mormons at school. I ditched the F word at BYU (except around close friends, and after failing a test in the testing center), but it keeps all the insane mormons out. I've found a lot of good friends who embrace me swearing and all. The next question is can they handle my love of the man? That's what I'm sitting at now haha.
Favorite F word at BYU was defo in the testing center. I walked out feeling good, and saw a 56% on the screen, and shook my head, chuckled, and in a normal non-whisper said "Fuck it"
I thought I was going to have holy water thrown on me after that haha. People in general need to relax and accept people for who they are, not judge them on every little thing they do wrong. If all people would chill and be non-judgmental I wouldn't have to worry about telling people I'm gay, but that's a rant for another time.
I know I said this would be quick, and it looks long, but I'm a pretty quick typer so it actually was pretty quick for me, plus it's a lot shorter than the Tinder story would have been.
PS I'm likely going to make this blog public soon. We'll see what happens. We'll see what kinda response a swearing gay mormon gets.
Peace.
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