Thursday, December 4, 2014

Day 2

Well I got a lot on my chest so deal with it I'm posting 2 days in a row. Yolo or something like that right?

Last night was a mess haha, I was beyond tired and had work in the morning and a fair amount of homework. Now most of the homework is done, and I finally have time to relax. I got some bigass projects due soon but I can only work on them on campus so it's kinda nice because I get home and can just relax. Good stuff mang. Anywho I'll likely be on campus all night tomorrow so I'm just chillen tonight because I know I won't be able to tomorrow.

So anyway here's the skinny. I gotta preface this by saying yeah, I'm mormon, like for real. Go to church every week and all that jazz, but I do have a decently foul mouth I know. This is my blog, so deal with it. Having a foul mouth doesn't mean I'm a bad mormon or that I don't believe the church. I'll explain how it started another day, but please just realize that swearing doesn't mean I'm a bad mormon or bad person. Yesterday I mentioned telling a full story about coming to acknowledge the fact that I might not be straight, so why not right now?

My Senior year of highschool, deep in the repressing stages of my feelings, I really started noticing feelings towards a male classmate, and was kinda like "shit yo what's happening like I can't still be feeling like this these feelings should be gone by now damn get me outta here" Like it really was that frantic. Anywho I managed to repress those feelings as well, but it planted the idea in my head. Then freshman year more confusion arose, and about winter time I was just like damn, I think I might be gay. But at the same time I was like "Yo, I hate shopping, I hate fashion, I hate all the stereotypical 'gay' stuff, so what's really going on here?" One night I decided to figure it out. I went to bed an hour or so early, and just laid there and thought to myself "what do I want out of life (relationship wise), who am I (was I covering parts of my personality when I was in my repressing faze?)?" and other deep question like this. However before hand I promised myself I would be honest with myself, and be okay with what ever I decided. No more parents telling me anything is bad or good or the way things are supposed to be, just me, and myself. Nobody had to know what happened in my thoughts that night. After a few hours of thinking and hashing things out to myself, I was able to admit my attraction towards men was legit, like I couldn't deny it anymore no matter how much I wanted to.

I've always hated labels, but had you asked me at the time to label myself it likely would have been Bi. I still wasn't able to let go of what I was supposed to be, but I opened up to myself and my real feelings. This was about the same time a mission was coming into the picture, so I promised myself that I would get things "cleared up" before I left. I was able to keep the parents at bay in the mission department, but my sophomore year I wasn't so lucky. We had a big talk, and my father being the more rational one just asked that I fill out my papers. I didn't need to actually submit them, just fill them out. So I started the process. I had a meeting with my bishop, and was like "yo this is it, drop the bombshell right now, just walk in there and be like 'Yo bish I like the dude, I'm a fan of the man' you got this." but of course, guess who pussied out? Yours truly. At this point I was about to explode like I just had to tell someone. I was tired of bottling a secret up for years and years and just had to let it out. I was seriously suffering. Half the time I was googling things about how the LDS church receives and deals with gays and stuff that I could barely study. So I tried to schedule my next bishops meeting ASAP, but of course it was like 3 weeks out.

I waited patiently, and the day finally came. I was mad nervous, like the kinda nerves that make your tummy feel funny. I went in and sat with the bishop and I was like sweating in the middle of December and I was borderline nauseous. The meeting was standard, and it was coming to a close, and I remember thinking "you gotta do this or you'll never forgive yourself." Being an action sports junky I use this to get myself to do scary stunts all the time, and it worked this time as well. My bishop said "I think we're all done here, do you have any additional concerns?" and before I could think I managed to get out and "umm acutally... yeah..." My bishop asked what it was, and then came one of the most painful silences ever, followed by an even more painful mumbling by me where I was trying my hardest to avoid saying what I needed to. It was like "uhm.. yeah... well I uh.... I uh.. don't really know how to say this... uhh... So I guess... I uhh guess that I uhhh... will just say it?" Which led to a shorter silence. I had never said anything about this out loud to another person before, and took a lot of mental power to force it out, but I just said "I think that right now, I feel more attracted to men than women.." Holy damn brah like the peace I felt after that can rarely be matched. It was finally out. My issue... my secret was out and another person knew it. I was still a bit nervous for my bishops response, but it was out and I already felt a ton of relief. My bishop thought about what I said for a minute, and then quietly said "well I can tell you that you aren't alone..." and at first I was like "hell yeah there's other homo dudes at BYU like gimme their numbers" but I quickly realized this had other connotations as well.

You might think it's odd to say that "coming out" can be a spiritual experience, but it was. I felt warm, I felt loved, I felt like this big issue I had stressed countless hours about and hated myself for, wasn't a big deal and that Heavenly Father loved me no matter what.

A shot talk with my bishop later I was walking back to my truck with the biggest smile on my face. I had never felt so at peace with myself, with my mind and with my feelings and thoughts. I finally felt okay with myself. It was amazing. There was a fresh layer of snow on the ground, everything felt peaceful and happy. I was floating on the clouds. It really was an experience I'll never forget.

The next day I was chilling with a really good friend who was taking the lessons for the first time and at the point where he was really considering baptism. I had mentioned that I had something I needed to talk to my bishop about (not a sin or anything) that concerned my life and going on a mission. We were hanging out, I was eating all of his cool ranch doritos and we were playing some league of legends (it's what I was doing to keep my mind of my gay thoughts) and he asked how my meeting with the bishop went. I told him how good it felt and everything, and he had to know what it was. I said that I wouldn't tell him what it was about, but if he guessed it I wouldn't deny it.

He quickly started off with "you're physically healthy right? You're shoulder is okay and everything (multiple shoulder injuries and surgery all in one year were still bothering me a bit at that point)" to which I replied yeah I'm physically fine." to which he kept rambling on "you still believe the church, you haven't sinned, you're not gay.... you aren't-"At that point I threw up the classic wobbly hand (as to say 'so-so' with you hand) and dropped a quite "eh?" My friend gasped and was like "no way!" I quickly explained gay wasn't the word I'd use, but I explained where I was. He was totally understanding and we had the first of many great talks about it. It was a great week for me.

It's hard to explain to people that don't live with a secret or a burden for that long just hoe it feels to come clean about it and tell someone. Not only that, but I hated myself and thought I was a bad person for these thoughts and feelings I had and was trying to repress/run from. It really felt like someone took a physical burden from me. I've never felt so light and happy in my life. I did have a weird phase shortly after where I felt hellllla gay. Like I'd walk on campus and someone would look at me and I'd be like "shit he knows!" and duck away quickly. In all truth he was likely looking at me funny because I was ducking away quickly from him haha, but it was great. This time was quickly followed by a darker time, but I'll get into that later.

I now love the winter (early winter) because it brings back remnants of those light and happy and peaceful feelings. I just wanted to talk about how it felt to not hold my "secret" all to myself anymore, and how "coming out" actually turned out to be a spiritual and great experience. I should probably hit the hay now though, gotta work on me projects tomorrow. I'll leave you with this .Gif that makes me laugh, even though it really kind of explains what it's like trying to hide from your own feelings n shit.


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