Tuesday, November 7, 2017

Things I Wish I Knew While Coming to Terms With my Sexuality

I heard someone the other day say "Everyone's a little gay." Haha for real though, isn't everyone at least a little gay?

Been too long, I got too many songs.
Song time:

Aye first song is a bit depressing but I love when you can feel the emotion in songs. Second song deals with a thought a bit later on.

I know it's been over a year but I'm BACK ON MY BULLSHIT!!!

Haha for real though, things have been going so well I forgot about this blog, but recently I've had a few close friends come out to me, and usually I'm one of the first people they tell because I too am gay, and because, I'm fucking rad who wouldn't tell me? Anyway whenever people come out I always remember my blog, and I think "I should send them a link to my blog, maybe my past can help them a bit." but today I finally went back through and read some of my old post and damn I'm a lunatic. Anyway it gave me the idea to write a post about things I wish I knew while I was coming to terms with my sexuality.


1. Haha you're gay nerd.

Terrible way to word it, but man, I wish someone would have just told me "dude ur gay." I was on the fence so long. I'd see a dude and be like "man he's hot" but then I'd see a girl and be like "I could hopefully make it work with her" and somewhere in there had time to convince myself I might not really be gay. I can tell you now, if you're a closeted Mormon and you think you might be gay, chances are you hella gay bro. or brah, or whatever the female equivalent of bro is. I wish someone had sat me down and said "You're gay and there's nothing you can do about it. Accept it." So I'll tell you all now. You're gay and there's nothing you can do about it but embrace it and love yourself for it.

2. Haha others are gay nerds too.

I hear stories like this a lot. Young Mormon boys think they might be gay, get on tinder to look at dudes, they see someone they kinda know, and freak the fuck out and delete tinder, and accept they they will be outed ASAP by the person they met once a few years ago that they just saw on tinder. I got news for ya'll, it aint work like that. Sure, I'm guessing at some point someone somewhere outed someone via tinder, but chances here (UT) are that the people you saw are either in the same boat and you and equally scared by seeing you on tinder, or they have been in the same situation you are in, and totally understand it, and respect you and your situation because they know how shitty it is. God I wish I understood this, I did that shit too many times, and always thought I would be outed, and never was. It caused me a lot of unnecessary stress.

3. You're gay, who cares?

Ya'll we are lucky to live in a time where being gay really isn't a big deal. It's magical. I mean, we gotta be a bit careful because sure there's shitty people out there that don't like you because you're gay, but that's pretty fuckin' rare these days. I have officially come out everywhere, Facebook, instagram, snapchat. Fuck twitter and anyone who uses it (not really though I love you all, I just don't tweet). So far I haven't noticed anyone treat me differently (notice is the key word, I'm sure some people might, but I sure as hell don't notice, and that's what matters). The people who love you, they are smart. They love you for who you are, not for your sexuality. Sure some may be surprised when you come out, but most tend to get over it and get used to it quick. Plus a lot of them probably already know. It sad, but those close to you can pick up on shit like that. Don't discredit the intelligence of your friends and loved ones. The point of this is to say, don't stress being gay. I did a lot, it caused me a lot of problems connecting with friends. I wish someone had told me "Nobody will care that you're gay, it's not a big deal." I'm not saying it's not a big deal to you, because it is. It should be a big deal to you, but it just isn't a big deal to others. They have their own lives and their own shit to worry about, they have bigger fish to fry. So don't stress it so much.

4. If people don't accept you when you come out, they aren't people you want to have around anyway.

God I heard this so much, and hated people for it, so get ready to hate me. I would always think "yeah, but they're my friends and they mean so much to me we've had such great times. I really can't lose them." Yeah, people can mean a lot, but trust me when I say that on the very rare chance someone makes a stink about you being one of the gays, they really don't mean a lot, and you won't regret losing them. I had one friend in particular who was pretty homophobic (it seemed). He would use slurs and talk about how disgusting gays were when it came up, but when I told him I was gay, his tune changed immediately. He stopped using slurs, starting being more open minded about the gays, and we're still great friends. He truly means a lot to me. I had another friend who I was equally as close with, but he never used homophobic slurs or ever talked bad about gays. Because of this, when I came out to him, I did it pretty casually and pretty quickly thinking it would be no big deal, but he acted shocked and quickly quit inviting me places. Sure we had some great times, but he wasn't a person who was worth keeping around, and I felt no pain or heartache when he quit being my friend. I was too busy hanging out with those who accepted me. Those who really mean a lot will always stick around. Don't be afraid of losing people, because if being gay drives them away, you had no business gracing them with your time. Also, if you do lose a friend, you can still remember all the good times fondly. Losing someone doesn't have to taint old memories. You shouldn't let it taint old memories, but you shouldn't have to hide who you are to keep a friend.

5. Being gay is too fun to be sad.

Holy shit I love being gay. Dudes are just too fine for me to waste my time with women (sorry ladies, you're all great people though). I spent years depressed and lonely because I couldn't come to terms with my sexuality. I tried to be straight, tried to deal with women, and was always sad. It's because being gay (when you are gay) is too damn fun! Embrace the gay. Some of my gay readers may want to stay in the church though. Hear this though, you can be gay and stay with the church. And the church has said explicitly that it's fine. What a time to be alive, you can be openly gay in the Mormon church. So if you want to stay with the church, don't hide yourself, you're still fucking gay. Be the gayest you that you can be. It's too fun. Goddammit it's fun as hell. Sure you won't be able to date, but you can throw the sassiest Z-Snaps the congregation has ever seen. Don't hide yourself to make staying with the church easier. It won't. Being openly gay in the church is more fun, and healthier, than staying closeted in the church. If you're gay, BE GAY, and own it. The church will accept you, and you can be free. It's win win. To all the gays who don't stay with the church, you have nothing holding you back from being gay, so BE FUCKING GAY! It's just too fun to be the real authentic you. Stop hiding and being sad. Life is short, so have fun, be yourself, and eat ice cream year round.

6.  There is happiness outside the church.

This is probably the most important thing to me. This might get a bit negative with the church, so if you are happy in the church skip this. I spent over a year in perpetual misery because I knew I was gay, knew I wanted to date men, but couldn't because I was told so often, and so loudly, that there WAS ZERO HAPPINESS OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. None. Only tears, misery and pain. I was told that every goddamn week, so even once I decided I couldn't live within the church rules, I still couldn't get myself to leave the church because I was already so sad, I didn't want to be more sad from being out of the church. I finally grew the sack and decided to not go to church. I wasn't going to make up and dumb excuses (I used to get sick a lot on Sundays, or "go to friends wards" a lot) but this week I decided not to go to church because I didn't want to, and for no other reason. I remember sitting in my room that Sunday. My roommates all walked in after church and were like "oh we missed you today why weren't you at church?" And I said "Because I didn't want to go." They all looked at me with faces of horror, and I waited for the existentialist dread and sadness of not having the church in my life to hit, but it never did. As a matter of fact, I'm more happy outside the church than I ever though I could be while in it. But nobody ever told me you could be happy outside the church so I spent over a year in sadness in the church, that I could have spent happy outside of it. Don't let fear of being unhappy keep you in the church. So I'm going to tell you all now, straight up. THERE IS HAPPINESS OUTSIDE OF THE MORMON CHURCH.

7. You can make your own Rumspringa

I always envied the Amish. They get a week (I think) to try everything. I knew I liked dudes, but had only ever been with women, so I didn't REALLY know did I? I wished I could just go make out with a dude and see if I enjoyed it. I thought I would, but I also thought I'd like making out with a lady, which I ended up hating. I was always unsure of my sexuality because I never had a real gay experience, but I didn't want to have a gay experience because if I ended up not liking it, then I had just sinned for no reason. Here's the catch though, the church will (almost) always take you back. Going on a date with a guy won't get you excommunicated, I don't think kissing a dude will either. Also, if you intentionally sin, it doesn't flip a switch in you body that allows SATAN full control of you life. If you sin, you're still yourself, you have all of the same thoughts and desires. So if you're unsure of your sexuality, go on a date with someone of the same gender, hell even kiss them. If you like it, great, sexuality confirmed. Maybe think about leaving the church. If you hate it, boom, you just crushed you gay feelings. Now staying in the church is easy. Yeah, you'll have to be ready to do some repenting, but that feeling of unease, that doubt in your sexuality will be gone, and you'll be able to give your all to the church. Don't be afraid to sin a bit. Everyone does, God will still love you. I finally realized after a year and a half of doubt and unhappiness, that having confirmation one way or the other (gay or not) would allow me to be the realest me. So I gave myself a one month "Rumspringa." I didn't go to church for that month, and I went on a few dates with a guy and ended up kissing him. I was still the same me though, the only thing that changed is that I KNEW FOR A FACT I was gay. I was so unsure for so many years that I didn't live a good life. But after that I knew who I was and what I wanted. ON the other hand, if I didn't like kissing a guy, then I could have gotten over my thoughts that I might be gay, gotten back in the church, and served them with all my heart and without doubts that I was living the right life for me.

I'm realizing now that my wording on this last point has gotten sloppy, sorry I'm a bit tired. What I'm trying to say is don't let fear of sin stop you from confirming your sexuality. If you're having doubts, act on them (carefully). Test the water. Testing the non-church waters won't kill you, and you can go back to the church waters at any time. Don't waste time making decisions that you don't know both sides to. If you need to, don't be afraid to learn both sides. I wish someone had told me that it was ok to date a guy, and that it was okay to kiss a guy, and that after I did those things I could still choose to go back to church. You don't have to be all in, or all out. And if you do leave the church, it isn't permanent. It will always be there if you want to go back to it.

NOTE: On those last few lines I'm not suggesting you bounce back and forth willy nilly. Leading a partner on to only leave them to go back to church is a shitty thing to do and makes you a shitty person. I'm saying you should inform yourself of both sides (through very casual non-committal experiences) and then make an educated decision for yourself, and hold to that decision. If you want to stay in church, good, serve them with all your heart. If you don't cool, but let the church go. Forget it, intend to never go back. If you decide to be gay with intent to later go back to the church, you're looking to get yourself fucked, and not in the fun way. Educate, decide, then carry out. Pick the side that makes you the most happy, and then milk it for all of it's happiness. Flip flopping won't give you any lasting happiness. Making a decision and sticking to your guns will. Just don't let fear prevent you from educating yourself of both sides, because nothing is more unhappy than picking and side and having doubts forever. Pick your side with all the information you need to make a lasting, happy decision.

Oke so that's my basic list. I'm realizing now that I quickly grew tired while writing and my coherency quickly deteriorates. Hopefully someone can get something of use out of this post. I do intend to post more, I've come a long way in the last year, and wanna catch ya'll up. Now I'm just writing with intent to help others, not just myself.

I have this titled "Everyone is Gay!" because it took a lot of people I knew coming out before I realized that others could use the help I never got, so now I want to help them. I'm finally in a good enough place to help them. I'm like a fucking veteran gay at this point, and should use my knowledge for good. I'm going to change the title to the list thingy though, with hopes that my title will be useful in helping those that need to see this list find it.

EDIT: Just learned Rumpringa lasts about 2 years for most Amish? What the fuck if that ain't the raddest shit I ever heard. Fucking own that shit bois!

funny pic
Image result for me @ myself whenever i develop feelings for someone


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